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Live from the Netflix's The Joke
Festival, welcome to A Really Bad Idea.

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It's the roast of Kevin Hart.

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And Philly is definitely in the house.

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Please welcome the roundest thing on
tires, Shane Gillis.

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Welcome to the roast of Kevin Hart live
in Los Angeles where we're, yeah.

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Where we're here to celebrate a guy we
used to like in a city that was once

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important.

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Kevin will be out in a minute, I'm sure
he's backstage fucking shadowboxing or

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doing a group prayer or whatever the
fuck he does.

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I'm your extremely white host, Shane
Gillis.

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White host.

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Big applause.

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All right.

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I'd just like to thank Netflix for
choosing me to host this celebration of

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black excellence.

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Look, I'm not saying there's a lot of
black people here tonight, but backstage

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a production assistant asked me what
color drank I want in my dressing room.

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Chose purple.

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I'm going to be setting the tone, but to
help us with the rhythm, please welcome

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Philadelphia's own, the legendary,
Grammy Award winning, The Roots.

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Welcome everyone to the roast of Kevin
Hart.

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We're about to roast your ass.

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Yes. Yes.

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Hey! The world.

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I can't figure it out.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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Wow.

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See, it's burning me to hold on to this.

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I know this is something I got to do,
but I don't know why you chose to do

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this. What you about to do?

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You see, your friend's sandwiched you at
your bed.

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What? But tonight, I'm going to need you
to have a seat because we're going to

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talk about your worst.

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Yeah.

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Okay, Kevin.

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Go ahead. Go ahead.

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What the fuck is going on?

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Yeah.

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Flexing baby shoes. Yeah, you know that
you're glowing.

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Your movies do too.

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They burn.

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Break it down.

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You son of a bitch.

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Loser. Can you feel it burning?

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balls on you, Usher.

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You got some fucking balls on you, man.

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I said, come out here and set the shit
off for me and have a good fucking time.

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You come out here and do a song I've
never heard.

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You can go fuck yourself for all I care.

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Come on, man. That's it.

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Let's do it big one time. Come on, Kev.

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The fuck you gonna do with those?

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The fuck you about to do with those?

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I mean, you know.

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Usher, if you don't get them cherries,
the fuck out my face.

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Get them fucking cherries out my goddamn
face, man.

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Get your ass out.

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stage, man.

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So get off the fucking stage. Hey,
listen.

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Congratulations.

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Good luck.

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You don't need it, buddy.

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Yeah, yeah. You know what, Usher?

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Fuck you. How about that?

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Fuck you, Usher.

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You can take whatever friendship we had
and throw it in the trash.

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Y'all make sure y'all go see my guy on
tour. He's on the stadium tour. Go get

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your fucking tickets.

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That's my brain.

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What's going on, Los Angeles? Make some
goddamn noise in this bitch tonight.

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I want to welcome y'all to the roast of
him, of that nigga,

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me.

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That's right, Kevin Hart.

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We are about to have a good goddamn time
tonight, guys. And you know what I love

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to do? I love to fucking set the tone.

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I love to make sure that the people
inside the room are possessed with the

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energy that we need so that we can have
a good fucking time. So I'm going to ask

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you again, are y'all ready to have a
good fucking time tonight?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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I'm going to tell you right now, this is
going to be way better than the Tom

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Brady roast. Way better.

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Way better.

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The reason why is because I'm not a
bitch.

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Tom is a bitch. Tom sat there the whole
time.

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With the fucking white man face.

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Went on radio stations after.

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Shut the fuck up, Tom.

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He was a bitch. Roots, was Tom a bitch?

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Yeah, goddamn right he was. He was a
fucking bitch.

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I ain't no bitch.

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You bring whatever it is that you got. I
can give two fucks. You go and say what

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you want to say.

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Say it. I don't give a shit.

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At the end of the day, I'm Kevin.

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Motherfucking Huck.

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I'm the man up in this bitch. Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Y'all know what I'm talking about.

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That's right, Los Angeles.

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Jesus, do you ever shut the fuck up?

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Have you even left the forum?

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Or have you just been here screaming
into that mic the last two years waiting

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for daddy to come home?

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Well, unlike your real dad, I actually
showed up. Oh, you son of a bitch.

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You son of a bitch.

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And I brought you a jersey.

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Oh, you son of a bitch.

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That's newborn size.

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Does that fit you? Give me the fucking
jersey. All right, sit down.

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Fucking hobbit.

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All right, this won't take long because,
as you guys know, I'm a busy man. But I

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do have a few words for you before I
return to my affairs in Las Vegas.

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Oh, wait.

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I'm talking about affairs in Las Vegas.
Was that off?

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I'm not supposed to talk about affairs
in Vegas?

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I think I broke another rule.

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Fuck it, I talked about it.

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So what was it that you were screaming
at my rose?

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to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

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You had that podium.

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Those were your words, Kevin.

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Who's squirming that little high chair
now, bitch?

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Put a pillow underneath. Make you look
taller.

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Hey, Kevin, what the fuck have you done
to my roast?

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Seriously, I played in the NFL for 23
seasons, but I've never seen anyone drop

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the ball like this.

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How did the goat roast go from me to
you?

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I won seven Super Bowls.

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Kevin has been in two ride-along movies.

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I've won five Super Bowl MVP awards.

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Kevin, you're the third most famous
person in Jumanji.

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That was a good movie, though.

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And look at this pathetic deus.

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I guess it wouldn't be a Kevin Hart
project if it wasn't a shitty sequel.

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You've got Cheryl Underwood.

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Big Jay Oakerson?

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Naeem Lin?

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Who the fuck are these people?

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And how did they get here? I thought
they shut down Spirit Airlines.

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And what happened to Nikki

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Glaser? She looks like shit.

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Oh, my bad. Sorry, Chelsea.

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Draymond Green is here.

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Yeah.

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Draymond's here.

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For now.

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He'll probably get thrown out in the
next ten minutes.

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You know we're not roasting Steve Kerr,
right?

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And it looks like we actually have some
real Eagles fans here.

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Yeah.

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Not like Kevin, who only shows up at the
big games when the Eagles are playing

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well. You know, Kev, we actually have a
name for those people. They're called

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Cowboys fans.

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And when I run into Eagles fans, they
always want to bring up the Philly

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Special. They love to talk about the
Philly Special.

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Yeah, I don't.

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And I tell them, hey.

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His name is Shane Gillis. Have some
respect.

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You're special.

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Kevin, you took a lot of shots at my
family during my roast.

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But I'm too classy to go after your
beautiful wife.

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Or am I?

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What's up, girl?

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I know in the past people you've been
accused of being homophobic. And I

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really hope that's not true because
you're about to get that teeny tiny

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little ass of yours reamed tonight.

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And I cannot wait to watch this.

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Payback's a bitch and so are you, Kevin
Hart. Let's fucking go.

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The main event, Kevin Hart versus...

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Well,

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that was fucking annoying.

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God, a lot of arrogant people here.

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Now, Kevin, if you're thinking this is
just going to be a bunch of jokes about

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you being short and annoying, that's
true.

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We will be doing that.

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But we're also going to be talking about
how you're a shitty comedian, a star

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fucker, and an absentee father.

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We're all here to honor Kevin Hart.

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And what a better way to do that than to
take a paycheck while pretending to have

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fun.

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You're a whore, Kevin.

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Speaking of whores, hey, Chelsea.

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Yeah.

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We have Chelsea Handler, middle name
Penis.

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Penis Handler.

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That's going to catch on. Alright, fuck
you guys. That was my best one.

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If you guys upgrade your account from
standard to premium, Chelsea turns into

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a male comedian.

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Oh, this is going to be terrible.

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If that was offensive, I'm fucked.
Alright.

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My buddy Big Jay Oakerson is here. Give
it up for Jay.

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Jay's the only guy in the Epstein files
for actual pizza.

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I don't know if you can see it, but he
paints his fingernails, which, you know,

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that's kind of weird, huh?

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He's like a 50-year-old emo goth
comedian.

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You guys ready for crowd work? Yeah.

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Anyway.

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Big J gets a new manicure every week
because apparently Fat Girl Pussy Juice

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dissolves nail polish.

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What do you mean, Jesus Christ? Oh, this
is going to go so bad.

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I know what's going to happen. I know
how bad this is. All right, fuck it.

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My friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here. Give
it up for Tony.

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Tony Hinchcliffe looks like he burns
things in his living room and waits for

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the firefighters to come rescue him.

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When they asked Tony if he wanted to
roast Kevin Hart, he got so excited he

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spit all the cum out of his mouth.

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Hell yeah, Kev. Thank you.

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Tony Hinchcliffe is the only guy that
goes to Trump rallies just so he can

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dance to the village people.

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I've been to Tony's apartment in Austin.

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He literally has thrones.

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For real.

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Tony has a throne overlooking Austin.

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Austin is a 19-year-old twink who lives
across the street and works out without

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his shirt on.

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Cheryl Underwood is here. Give it up for
Cheryl.

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Cheryl's a lifelong Republican, and
she's actually thinking about getting

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into politics. She's running for a seat
in the Big Mama's House of

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Representatives.

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Cheryl's husband killed himself.

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Apparently, black does crack if it's
married to Cheryl and jumps off a

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fucking roof.

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I'd do it for the balcony. I'd do it for
the upper decks.

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Fuck all these people down here.

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Why would you put rich pussies down
here? Look at these animals up here.

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Yeah.

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Fucking right.

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Regina Hall is here.

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I think her, yeah.

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Hey,

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Regina, how are you?

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Her husband's doing well, so we're just
going to move on from that.

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Naeem Lin is here. He's one of Kevin's
best friends, openers and writers. Give

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it up for him.

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Naeem's a really good writer. Him and
Kevin worked together on The Roast of

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Tom Brady, where Naeem came up with such
classics like That Was Crazy, and Oh,

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Hell No, and everyone's favorite, Damn,
She Went There.

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Guy's a fucking genius.

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Pete Davidson's here. Give it up for
Pete.

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00:18:41,530 --> 00:18:43,930
Pete Davidson, a.k.a. Wigger Dracula.

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00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:47,920
Ivan Tosok at Comedy.

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00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:52,280
Just having fun, a little fun, dude.

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00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:56,920
Pete recently got all of his tattoos
removed, so now you actually have to

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00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,000
talk to him to find out he's a complete
fucking idiot.

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00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:05,520
That's all I got, dude.

249
00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:10,060
Draymond Green is here. Give it up for
Draymond.

250
00:19:16,140 --> 00:19:17,600
Yeah, sick, yeah, fuckin' boo!

251
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:24,120
With a name like Draymond Green, he only
had a few options in life.

252
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:28,000
Pro athlete, pimp in a documentary, or
wealthy cartoon duck.

253
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:36,500
He plays for the Golden State Warriors.

254
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,620
Golden State Warriors sounds like a
nickname they had for people who died of

255
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:48,940
AIDS in the 1980s.

256
00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,400
The Golden State Warriors logo is a
bridge.

257
00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:57,760
Don't show that to Cheryl's husband.

258
00:20:00,260 --> 00:20:02,800
Seriously, keep that bridge away from
Cheryl's husband.

259
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,180
I called her yesterday.

260
00:20:08,420 --> 00:20:09,420
Shut up.

261
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:12,860
I was really, I felt terrible about
that. I had to call her. All right.

262
00:20:14,530 --> 00:20:16,930
She was crazy about it. She was like,
you gonna make fun of my husband who

263
00:20:16,930 --> 00:20:17,709
fell off a bridge?

264
00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:18,710
I'm like, yep.

265
00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:25,510
And speaking of black men who once made
an impact years ago, Kevin Hart.

266
00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:34,370
Here's a fun fact about Kevin. Kevin has
a 44-inch vertical leap.

267
00:20:34,590 --> 00:20:36,970
And I know that because he can kiss his
wife on the lips.

268
00:20:41,230 --> 00:20:43,950
Being 5'1 sucks, but at least you can
tell them apart from all the other

269
00:20:43,950 --> 00:20:44,950
blacks.

270
00:20:49,970 --> 00:20:51,750
Yeah, they told me to be racist, huh?

271
00:20:53,630 --> 00:20:55,970
What am I going to make fun of? Oh, you
got a huge dick and you're a

272
00:20:55,970 --> 00:20:56,970
billionaire? Yeah.

273
00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:02,170
When you see Kevin stand next to all his
normal-sized black friends, he looks

274
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:03,530
like the period at the end of a
sentence.

275
00:21:10,230 --> 00:21:11,990
Yes. Yes, Kevin, thank you.

276
00:21:13,330 --> 00:21:18,030
This is where... To really understand
Kevin's origins, you have to go back to

277
00:21:18,030 --> 00:21:18,909
the beginning.

278
00:21:18,910 --> 00:21:22,190
Kevin's ancestors came to America in a
slave ship and a bottle.

279
00:21:27,850 --> 00:21:28,850
Yeah.

280
00:21:29,190 --> 00:21:30,190
Yeah.

281
00:21:32,430 --> 00:21:33,430
The bottle.

282
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,740
He grew up in Philadelphia where his
mother worked at the University of

283
00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:40,260
Pennsylvania and his father was one of
the California raisins.

284
00:21:43,660 --> 00:21:45,840
I'm just joking around. He wasn't
raising anybody.

285
00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:53,040
Unfortunately, that's true.

286
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,160
Kevin's dad wasn't there for him because
he was addicted to cocaine, which is a

287
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:01,580
lot more respectable than not being
there for your kids because you're

288
00:22:01,580 --> 00:22:03,080
filming fucking Jumanji 3.

289
00:22:04,540 --> 00:22:05,540
That's pathetic.

290
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:17,640
A lot of people say Kevin's movies are
formulaic. Yeah,

291
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,140
baby formula.

292
00:22:21,780 --> 00:22:23,560
That was the best one.

293
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,600
We were like, yo, baby formula.

294
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:33,410
And every time you put one of Kevin's
movies on, you say to yourself, Ah, I

295
00:22:33,410 --> 00:22:34,410
see where this is dang.

296
00:22:36,750 --> 00:22:41,570
Now, he wasn't always a movie star. He's
had a few setbacks. Kevin got a DUI.

297
00:22:44,230 --> 00:22:47,510
Isn't that funny? Just a little tiny
DUI, his feet barely reaching the

298
00:22:47,510 --> 00:22:48,510
pedals.

299
00:22:48,930 --> 00:22:50,010
It's a cute DUI.

300
00:22:50,650 --> 00:22:54,230
It was actually, honestly, it was a
pretty serious accident. He wrapped his

301
00:22:54,230 --> 00:22:55,530
micromachine around a dandelion.

302
00:22:59,890 --> 00:23:00,890
Anyway.

303
00:23:01,370 --> 00:23:04,950
Things got worse for Kevin only a few
years later when he got fired from the

304
00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,050
Oscars for homophobia.

305
00:23:07,290 --> 00:23:10,670
They found an old tweet of his where he
said if his son was gay, he would break

306
00:23:10,670 --> 00:23:11,910
a dollhouse over his head.

307
00:23:13,270 --> 00:23:14,270
I know, that's crazy.

308
00:23:15,350 --> 00:23:16,910
He used to be funny. How about that?

309
00:23:18,430 --> 00:23:20,330
That was really funny. That was so long
ago.

310
00:23:22,330 --> 00:23:25,910
After that, after he got fired for being
homophobic, he went on like an apology

311
00:23:25,910 --> 00:23:29,530
tour. We had to go around and do
interviews and shit. And in one of the

312
00:23:29,530 --> 00:23:32,590
interviews, he said, I'm in love with
the man I'm becoming.

313
00:23:35,890 --> 00:23:36,890
Gay.

314
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:39,250
Fucking homo.

315
00:23:40,910 --> 00:23:43,450
I'm going to break a dollhouse over his
head after that fucking shit.

316
00:23:47,050 --> 00:23:50,050
I guess one of the reasons no one can
afford a house in America these days is

317
00:23:50,050 --> 00:23:52,450
because Kevin keeps breaking them over
his son's fucking head.

318
00:23:55,070 --> 00:23:56,070
A few months ago.

319
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:59,920
Kevin performed at the Riyadh Comedy
Festival, sponsored by the Saudi

320
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:00,920
government.

321
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,020
They actually, they offered me a ton of
money to do it, but I said no. Kevin

322
00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,020
said yes.

323
00:24:11,660 --> 00:24:16,580
The reason I said no was to honor the
brave police officers and firefighters

324
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:18,240
who lost their lives that day.

325
00:24:20,980 --> 00:24:21,980
Right, Pete?

326
00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:33,850
Kevin actually did really well in Saudi
Arabia, but only because they thought he

327
00:24:33,850 --> 00:24:34,850
was the monkey from Aladdin.

328
00:24:40,010 --> 00:24:41,690
Abu. They were thinking about Abu.

329
00:24:43,010 --> 00:24:44,010
Abu.

330
00:24:44,230 --> 00:24:47,910
Abu, which is actually coincidentally
what Kevin hears every time he puts out

331
00:24:47,910 --> 00:24:49,410
one of his dog shit specials.

332
00:24:50,070 --> 00:24:51,070
Abu.

333
00:24:53,730 --> 00:24:57,210
Kevin didn't just do comedy in Saudi
Arabia. They actually gave him a sword

334
00:24:57,210 --> 00:24:59,070
and a shield and they made him fight a
scorpion.

335
00:25:02,890 --> 00:25:05,610
And then at night, they'd put one of
those little falcon helmets on him so he

336
00:25:05,610 --> 00:25:06,610
could go to sleep.

337
00:25:09,230 --> 00:25:10,230
All right.

338
00:25:10,630 --> 00:25:15,550
Well, look, I know this day is just full
of degenerate scumbags, and they're

339
00:25:15,550 --> 00:25:17,950
going to be up here saying a lot of
racist, terrible things tonight.

340
00:25:18,450 --> 00:25:20,010
But, yeah, you guys like that?

341
00:25:23,370 --> 00:25:24,370
But not me.

342
00:25:24,770 --> 00:25:29,210
I'm not going to be doing that. I've got
a nice PG short joke that I'd like you

343
00:25:29,210 --> 00:25:30,790
guys to be a part of, okay?

344
00:25:31,860 --> 00:25:33,260
Kevin is so short.

345
00:25:35,780 --> 00:25:38,740
Kevin's so short that they're going to
have to lynch him from a bonsai tree.

346
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:51,740
That was three weeks of deliberation on
that joke.

347
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:58,420
Look, I understand how serious the word
lynch is, but bonsai is so funny.

348
00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:05,860
Anyway, you're the fucking man, and I'm
happy to be here, and I genuinely love

349
00:26:05,860 --> 00:26:09,380
you, and seriously, you're a
once-in-a-lifetime talent, and

350
00:26:09,380 --> 00:26:11,440
unfortunately, that lifetime is ours.

351
00:26:13,580 --> 00:26:15,260
Let's get this fucking show started.

352
00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:25,660
And now, our first roaster of the night,
the Roastmaster General, Jeff Ross.

353
00:27:00,940 --> 00:27:02,420
What's up, Rose fans?

354
00:27:06,300 --> 00:27:07,800
Look at this place.

355
00:27:09,020 --> 00:27:12,140
Everybody's here tonight. Wow, wow, wow.

356
00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:19,880
John Stamos, Usher, I see you, George
Wallace, and Peter Dinklage.

357
00:27:20,420 --> 00:27:22,160
Blackface is never okay.

358
00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:26,940
Kevin Hart.

359
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:32,980
We've been friends a long time, but the
world first fell in love with you when

360
00:27:32,980 --> 00:27:35,440
Michael Jackson dangled you over that
balcony.

361
00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:49,720
Tonight, live all over the world, we
celebrate the crack baby that could.

362
00:27:51,500 --> 00:27:53,540
The preemie with a dreamie.

363
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,500
The man who put the elf in Philadelphia.

364
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:01,560
The great Eddie Smurphy.

365
00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:07,420
You know, Kev, those mic drops aren't as
cool when you're dropping them from two

366
00:28:07,420 --> 00:28:08,420
feet, right?

367
00:28:10,220 --> 00:28:14,420
Yeah, tonight I dress like your idol,
Eddie Murphy, because he's not coming.

368
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:19,020
Your idol doesn't give a fuck about you,
Kevin.

369
00:28:21,260 --> 00:28:23,920
No, Eddie, but we did get Donkey from
Shrek.

370
00:28:24,410 --> 00:28:26,030
Say hello to Cheryl Underwood.

371
00:28:33,470 --> 00:28:35,450
Cheryl's pronouns are hee-haw.

372
00:28:43,330 --> 00:28:45,350
I love you, Cheryl Underwood.

373
00:28:46,970 --> 00:28:51,270
By the way, Underwood is also where they
found Pete Davidson's dad on 9-11.

374
00:28:56,780 --> 00:29:00,920
Pete Stout was a firefighter that died
heroically and somehow Pete gets all the

375
00:29:00,920 --> 00:29:02,120
pussy his dad deserves.

376
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:09,580
In honor of his dad, Pete only fucks
nines and elevens.

377
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:13,920
Hit it.

378
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:22,960
I love this.

379
00:29:23,780 --> 00:29:25,260
Comics roasting comics.

380
00:29:26,890 --> 00:29:30,750
You don't see a lot of guys who look
like Shane Gillis in L.A. unless they're

381
00:29:30,750 --> 00:29:32,490
handcuffing a Mexican toddler.

382
00:29:44,710 --> 00:29:48,530
Jersey's finest, Chelsea Handler. I love
you so much, Chelsea. I do.

383
00:29:48,990 --> 00:29:49,990
I do.

384
00:29:51,899 --> 00:29:55,620
Chelsea told me she's been getting into
microdosing, which is what she calls

385
00:29:55,620 --> 00:29:56,700
fucking a white guy.

386
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:01,560
Congrats, Chels.

387
00:30:01,940 --> 00:30:04,920
I read you just bought your new house
from RFK Jr.

388
00:30:06,260 --> 00:30:09,020
Hey, do you want to see my bag of
raccoon dicks?

389
00:30:09,980 --> 00:30:13,440
And then RFK was like, no thanks,
Chelsea, I have my own.

390
00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:24,550
Steph Curry couldn't make it tonight,
but he did carry Draymond Green all the

391
00:30:24,550 --> 00:30:25,550
way here.

392
00:30:32,230 --> 00:30:35,470
Love you, buddy. I'm not going to make
fun of you because you're violent.

393
00:30:37,950 --> 00:30:40,770
You've been ejected more times than a
Kevin Hart DVD.

394
00:30:47,030 --> 00:30:49,270
Tony Hinchcliffe, so proud of you.

395
00:30:50,669 --> 00:30:55,470
Tony, I love you like a little brother,
but I've had it up to here with your

396
00:30:55,470 --> 00:30:56,470
politics.

397
00:31:02,570 --> 00:31:06,270
Everyone's here, baby. Look at this
place. Everyone loves you, Kevin Hart.

398
00:31:07,510 --> 00:31:08,510
MGK.

399
00:31:09,490 --> 00:31:10,490
Fuck.

400
00:31:11,850 --> 00:31:15,430
For a guy who's only going to need one
pallbearer someday, you sure have a lot

401
00:31:15,430 --> 00:31:16,430
to choose from.

402
00:31:18,510 --> 00:31:23,510
What a story. What a story. Your dad was
a street hustler and addicted to crack

403
00:31:23,510 --> 00:31:24,510
cocaine.

404
00:31:24,850 --> 00:31:27,950
So I guess being dependent on the rock
runs in the family.

405
00:31:30,490 --> 00:31:31,490
Hit it.

406
00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:43,950
Kevin, I know your dad walked out on
you, and then I went to see one of your

407
00:31:43,950 --> 00:31:45,930
movies, and then I walked out on you.

408
00:31:48,300 --> 00:31:52,180
Maybe you're spending too much time in
the gym working out. It's arm day. It's

409
00:31:52,180 --> 00:31:54,200
leg day. When is it script day?

410
00:31:56,660 --> 00:31:59,580
Do you even read these pieces of shit
before you say yes?

411
00:32:00,380 --> 00:32:02,060
Come on, spell Jumanji.

412
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:11,420
And sure, sure, Kevin went to a ditty
party. So what?

413
00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:15,940
They just locked him in a room and put
Paw Patrol on his iPad.

414
00:32:24,750 --> 00:32:27,910
Kevin always flies private. What a waste
of leg room.

415
00:32:31,570 --> 00:32:35,410
Yes, Kev, people mock you for being
short.

416
00:32:35,730 --> 00:32:37,110
But you know who else was short?

417
00:32:37,550 --> 00:32:38,550
Prince.

418
00:32:38,790 --> 00:32:42,490
Prince was 5'2". We just don't talk
about it a lot because Prince was great.

419
00:32:48,790 --> 00:32:51,670
But you, Kev, you're not just an
entertainer, you're a brand.

420
00:32:52,590 --> 00:32:56,030
You're like Martha Stewart, but without
the respect of the black community.

421
00:32:58,110 --> 00:33:00,970
And I can say that because I'm dressed
like Eddie Murphy.

422
00:33:02,090 --> 00:33:03,690
Hit it. Ah, never mind.

423
00:33:04,670 --> 00:33:05,870
Play something sweet.

424
00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:09,030
Today's Mother's Day.

425
00:33:10,610 --> 00:33:11,850
Shout out to the mom.

426
00:33:13,610 --> 00:33:14,990
And the motherfuckers.

427
00:33:17,260 --> 00:33:21,480
Kevin, I both lost our moms way too
soon, and I'm sorry yours isn't here

428
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:23,240
tonight to see all the love in the room.

429
00:33:23,820 --> 00:33:26,020
I know how important she was in your
life.

430
00:33:26,380 --> 00:33:27,380
She was strict.

431
00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:31,940
One time you were acting up, and she
beat you with a Hot Wheels track. Is

432
00:33:31,940 --> 00:33:32,940
that right?

433
00:33:33,860 --> 00:33:38,720
But Kevin being Kevin was undaunted, put
the track back together, got in his Hot

434
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:40,440
Wheels car, and drove right to
Hollywood.

435
00:33:44,860 --> 00:33:50,520
You always say, everybody wants to be
famous, but nobody wants to do the work.

436
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,340
You do the work. You're a motivator.

437
00:33:55,460 --> 00:33:58,980
And you don't know this, Kevin, but you
motivated me.

438
00:33:59,460 --> 00:34:03,480
At the last roast, you said, every time
you look at me, I look thicker and

439
00:34:03,480 --> 00:34:04,480
thicker.

440
00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,500
And everybody laughed, and that hurt.

441
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:11,020
But you inspired me to go and get my
first colonoscopy.

442
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,659
And that cancer screening was more
entertaining than any screening you've

443
00:34:16,659 --> 00:34:17,679
ever invited me to.

444
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,840
They found a stage three tumor in my
colon.

445
00:34:24,300 --> 00:34:27,600
But luckily, like you, Kevin, it stopped
growing.

446
00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:33,360
If you hadn't made fun of me and saved
me from colon cancer, I wouldn't have

447
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:36,020
been able to come up here tonight and
shit all over you.

448
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,960
Thank you for saving my life, little
buddy.

449
00:34:40,800 --> 00:34:41,800
I love you.

450
00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,740
The Roastmaster General, everybody. Give
it up for Jeff Rock.

451
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:08,680
And how about an even bigger applause to
all the Roastmaster soldiers that just

452
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,020
wrote all those jokes for him.

453
00:35:12,580 --> 00:35:14,900
What you talking about, Gillis?

454
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:18,360
If you're wondering why Jeff is dressed
as Eddie Murphy, good.

455
00:35:18,620 --> 00:35:22,000
You should be. It doesn't make any
sense, and it's kind of embarrassing.

456
00:35:24,180 --> 00:35:26,660
Jeff's face looks like it fell out of a
fucking lava lamp.

457
00:35:33,520 --> 00:35:34,600
They could have used it on me.

458
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,080
What you talking about, Gillis?

459
00:35:38,320 --> 00:35:39,218
That's good.

460
00:35:39,220 --> 00:35:40,220
That's good.

461
00:35:41,300 --> 00:35:43,400
Jeff's the only guy to kiss the wailing
wall and use tongue.

462
00:35:45,520 --> 00:35:47,280
A lot of Jews here tonight. That's not
good.

463
00:35:48,980 --> 00:35:52,540
Well, I meant for the jokes, not just in
general. You get it. Whatever. Fuck you.

464
00:35:53,740 --> 00:35:55,500
Oh, not us. Shut up.

465
00:35:57,960 --> 00:35:59,680
Our next roaster is Naeem Lin.

466
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:01,700
Yeah, Naeem.

467
00:36:04,930 --> 00:36:06,150
Naeem, that's a dumb name.

468
00:36:06,390 --> 00:36:09,590
It sounds like the noises a deaf guy
makes when he gets stuck trying to put

469
00:36:09,590 --> 00:36:10,590
on a turtleneck.

470
00:36:12,410 --> 00:36:13,410
Naeem.

471
00:36:14,830 --> 00:36:15,830
Naeem.

472
00:36:17,790 --> 00:36:21,510
I'd say Naeem is like family to Kevin,
but they actually spend a lot of time

473
00:36:21,510 --> 00:36:23,850
together. Please welcome Naeem Land,
everybody.

474
00:36:24,050 --> 00:36:25,050
Give it up for Naeem.

475
00:36:36,620 --> 00:36:37,620
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

476
00:36:38,180 --> 00:36:43,000
Hey, everyone. I'm probably the most
unrecognizable face up here. I have a TV

477
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:45,000
show, but it comes on BET.

478
00:36:47,800 --> 00:36:52,460
I've been working with Kevin for 25
years, and this motherfucker said he put

479
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:54,220
me in this roast because it could help
my career.

480
00:36:54,700 --> 00:36:57,740
You could have helped my career by
putting me in a movie 15 years ago.

481
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,820
You about to do Ride Along 3, and I
still ain't rode along.

482
00:37:05,870 --> 00:37:09,790
Looks you over there all proud, like a
father that finally showed up on draft

483
00:37:09,790 --> 00:37:10,790
night.

484
00:37:15,730 --> 00:37:19,650
You arrogant fuck. When Kevin first told
me about the roast, he said, Tom Brady

485
00:37:19,650 --> 00:37:23,270
did 100 million views, so I'm probably
going to do 200 million views.

486
00:37:23,870 --> 00:37:26,530
This motherfucker think he more famous
than Tom Brady.

487
00:37:28,510 --> 00:37:31,810
Tom has seven Super Bowl rings. That's
like seven Oscars.

488
00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:34,150
You're 46 with a Kids' Choice Award.

489
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,360
You don't have an Oscar, an Emmy, a
Tony, or a Grammy.

490
00:37:47,100 --> 00:37:49,320
The only Grammy you had died in 1985.

491
00:37:53,280 --> 00:37:54,520
Oh, no, Mama.

492
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:56,360
Grammy died.

493
00:37:57,020 --> 00:37:58,240
Where we gonna live now?

494
00:38:02,380 --> 00:38:05,560
The only thing that you and Tom Brady
got in common is you both love your

495
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:06,560
career more than your wife.

496
00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:10,820
I'm sorry, Nico.

497
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,640
Kev, did you know you're the only second
black person to be roasted in the last

498
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:17,479
30 years?

499
00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:19,660
It's just you and your brother, Flavor
Flav.

500
00:38:22,620 --> 00:38:25,960
This guy's a fucking scam artist. How
the fuck you promoting fitness and

501
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:26,960
tequila?

502
00:38:35,320 --> 00:38:39,000
You told me all these big names were
going to be up here. Look at this batch

503
00:38:39,000 --> 00:38:40,000
of bullshit up here, man.

504
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,500
What the fuck is Draymond Green doing
here?

505
00:38:44,650 --> 00:38:46,890
Stupid ass name. What the fuck is a
Draymond?

506
00:38:50,310 --> 00:38:53,530
Your mother didn't know who your father
was, so she just combined two of the

507
00:38:53,530 --> 00:38:54,530
guys' names.

508
00:38:58,110 --> 00:38:59,350
Who the daddy, girl?

509
00:39:00,970 --> 00:39:02,530
It's either Andre or Lamond.

510
00:39:06,150 --> 00:39:07,510
I'm just calling him Draymond.

511
00:39:18,890 --> 00:39:20,870
Your name sounds like an ugly paint
color.

512
00:39:23,150 --> 00:39:26,850
And I was thinking about making the
kitchen Draymond Green.

513
00:39:35,690 --> 00:39:39,110
Man, I thought The Rock would at least
be here because I got some shit to say

514
00:39:39,110 --> 00:39:42,830
about him. But actually, you know, it's
good he's not here because I'd rather

515
00:39:42,830 --> 00:39:44,950
talk shit behind his back. I feel safer.

516
00:39:46,650 --> 00:39:48,250
Big J, you be The Rock.

517
00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:51,560
Alright, this is the closest you'll get
to being in shape, so savor the moment.

518
00:39:53,420 --> 00:39:54,680
Rock, I'm sick of your shit.

519
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,900
Fucking sellout, always playing the
white guy in movies.

520
00:39:58,820 --> 00:39:59,820
Nigga, please.

521
00:40:00,820 --> 00:40:02,460
Ain't no white guys named Dwayne.

522
00:40:04,820 --> 00:40:08,780
If you apply for a job at Target and you
write Dwayne Johnson on it, that shit's

523
00:40:08,780 --> 00:40:09,780
going in the trash.

524
00:40:11,420 --> 00:40:13,360
That's a DEI joke, you stupid
motherfucker.

525
00:40:16,300 --> 00:40:18,260
Let me chill. I don't want no smoke with
rock.

526
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:20,540
That's what almost killed Lamar Odom.

527
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,760
Jeff Ross is here collecting this one
check for the year.

528
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:30,960
Yeah.

529
00:40:31,740 --> 00:40:34,200
This might be Jeff's last rose if he
don't get that kidney.

530
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:43,800
Jeff, you look like the only kid that
Michael Jackson visited in the hospital

531
00:40:43,800 --> 00:40:44,800
that lived.

532
00:40:47,110 --> 00:40:48,270
Make a wish, motherfucker.

533
00:40:53,970 --> 00:40:55,430
Chelsea Handler, yeah.

534
00:40:58,030 --> 00:40:59,030
Hey, Chelsea.

535
00:40:59,550 --> 00:41:02,090
I see you over there aging at the speed
of white.

536
00:41:06,770 --> 00:41:09,730
Take a picture of Chelsea now. I
guarantee you won't recognize her by the

537
00:41:09,730 --> 00:41:10,730
end of the night.

538
00:41:14,730 --> 00:41:16,310
Over there with all that makeup on.

539
00:41:17,060 --> 00:41:23,980
casket ready i can't wait till they

540
00:41:23,980 --> 00:41:30,060
do a remake of golden girls so you can
get a fucking job again all right you'd

541
00:41:30,060 --> 00:41:36,600
be like a less fuckable betty white and
i'm not talking betty in her prime i'm

542
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:40,440
talking betty right now yeah betty's
dead

543
00:41:45,520 --> 00:41:48,100
We got one of the kings of comedy here,
Cheryl Underwood.

544
00:41:57,200 --> 00:42:00,460
Cheryl, they've been talking about doing
a biopic on Kev's life. I think he'd be

545
00:42:00,460 --> 00:42:01,460
great to play his dad.

546
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:10,740
Pete Davidson here. Pete is just another
former SNL cast member that's going to

547
00:42:10,740 --> 00:42:11,820
overdose at some point.

548
00:42:17,610 --> 00:42:18,610
I don't like you, Pete.

549
00:42:21,550 --> 00:42:23,250
Where the fuck is Dave Chappelle, man?

550
00:42:23,530 --> 00:42:28,250
I thought, yeah, I thought... I thought
he'd be here stealing more money from

551
00:42:28,250 --> 00:42:29,250
Netflix.

552
00:42:30,590 --> 00:42:32,990
I know you're watching, Dave. I saw your
last special.

553
00:42:33,230 --> 00:42:34,550
Some jokes would have been nice.

554
00:42:37,530 --> 00:42:39,450
Hour-long speech, 20 million.

555
00:42:40,270 --> 00:42:42,890
He's the reason the damn subscription
goes up every six months.

556
00:42:45,870 --> 00:42:48,270
By the way, Dave, Kev hates you.

557
00:42:51,870 --> 00:42:53,890
He hates you more than the transgender
community.

558
00:42:57,490 --> 00:43:00,770
I actually don't know why the trans hate
you. You're married to a Filipino

559
00:43:00,770 --> 00:43:01,770
ladyboy.

560
00:43:09,330 --> 00:43:12,890
Okay. They said I gotta say something
nice before I go, so here goes.

561
00:43:13,110 --> 00:43:15,090
Kev, you're not leaving an inspiration
to me.

562
00:43:15,550 --> 00:43:18,750
but to all comics and black people as a
whole, because you didn't stop at just

563
00:43:18,750 --> 00:43:19,890
being a great entertainer.

564
00:43:20,290 --> 00:43:23,810
You became a mogul, a businessman,
creating generational wealth for not

565
00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:25,650
only your family, but other employees.

566
00:43:27,330 --> 00:43:31,330
When slavery ended, we were promised 40
acres and a mule.

567
00:43:31,890 --> 00:43:35,310
We didn't get our 40 acres, but we got
our mule. That's you, my boy.

568
00:43:46,860 --> 00:43:47,860
Keep it going for Naeem, everybody.

569
00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:51,600
Yeah. He did great.

570
00:43:51,980 --> 00:43:55,560
Also, Naeem, great choice there at the
end to talk shit on Dave.

571
00:43:57,920 --> 00:43:59,460
We'll let that go, for sure.

572
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:03,520
That was an interesting shot.

573
00:44:05,380 --> 00:44:07,620
Our next roaster is Chelsea Handler.

574
00:44:12,620 --> 00:44:13,860
She loves sex.

575
00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:15,080
Isn't that interesting?

576
00:44:16,910 --> 00:44:18,690
You should talk about it for 30 years,
you fuck.

577
00:44:19,870 --> 00:44:21,790
She even released her own sex tape.

578
00:44:22,130 --> 00:44:26,010
Sex tape is also what she uses to keep
from tripping over her own pussy lips.

579
00:44:30,070 --> 00:44:31,170
Can you skip that part?

580
00:44:32,490 --> 00:44:33,490
Go ahead.

581
00:44:34,530 --> 00:44:35,690
Go ahead. There we go.

582
00:44:36,010 --> 00:44:37,230
Chelsea is a Zionist.

583
00:44:40,730 --> 00:44:41,870
I'm not saying that's good or bad.

584
00:44:43,810 --> 00:44:46,430
Speaking of dead kids, she's a big fan
of abortions.

585
00:44:49,070 --> 00:44:51,490
Chelsea's been scraped more times than
the grill at Benihana.

586
00:44:55,690 --> 00:44:59,450
Speaking of tossing tiny shrimp into a
child's mouth, Chelsea Handler went to

587
00:44:59,450 --> 00:45:01,590
dinner at Jeffrey Epstein's house in
2010.

588
00:45:05,950 --> 00:45:06,950
It's just a fun one.

589
00:45:07,970 --> 00:45:10,730
You can look it up. There's articles. It
wasn't like a big party. There was like

590
00:45:10,730 --> 00:45:11,730
seven people there.

591
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:16,280
It was like Prince Andrew and Woody
Allen were there.

592
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:19,140
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea
Handler.

593
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:30,860
Oh, my God. Thank you, Shane.

594
00:45:31,100 --> 00:45:34,320
And I thought I was going to have the
best kiss on this day as tonight.

595
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:48,180
I saw you tonight. I thought, oh my God,
is that Drewski in whiteface?

596
00:45:50,820 --> 00:45:55,060
Happy Mother's Day, everybody. What a
beautiful way to spend Mother's Day.

597
00:45:57,780 --> 00:46:00,020
Shane, I feel like I could be your
mother.

598
00:46:00,840 --> 00:46:04,560
Mostly because you look like you have
fetal alcohol syndrome.

599
00:46:07,560 --> 00:46:11,760
Hi, everybody. It's me, your resident
whore for the evening.

600
00:46:15,320 --> 00:46:18,600
I just want to clarify, I'm rich, I'm
famous, and I'm hot.

601
00:46:18,800 --> 00:46:21,800
Obviously, I'm going to be fucking a lot
of guys, okay?

602
00:46:23,720 --> 00:46:25,220
Let's get the party started.

603
00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:31,760
I'm just glad that my whore elevator
never stops on any of your fucking

604
00:46:31,760 --> 00:46:32,760
floors.

605
00:46:37,360 --> 00:46:42,420
And Shane, just so you know, Judaism and
Zionism are two different things. Kind

606
00:46:42,420 --> 00:46:48,020
of like how Chinatown and Koreatown are
two different things, but your favorite

607
00:46:48,020 --> 00:46:49,760
slur works in both places.

608
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:56,380
Shane has been accused of being
anti-Asian, which is ironic, considering

609
00:46:56,380 --> 00:46:59,840
he has the complexion and physique of a
steamed dumpling.

610
00:47:07,310 --> 00:47:11,890
street is that Shane's a lazy lover and
the only way to get him to go down on a

611
00:47:11,890 --> 00:47:15,590
woman is to put pussy on the buffet at
Golden Corral.

612
00:47:22,330 --> 00:47:27,890
The first time I met Kevin was almost 20
years ago and I remember thinking, what

613
00:47:27,890 --> 00:47:31,830
is 50 Cent's dick doing walking around
all by itself?

614
00:47:38,440 --> 00:47:44,280
think Kevin was discovered during one of
the rocks colonoscopies but that's not

615
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:49,220
true I was actually one of the very few
people very first people that gave Kevin

616
00:47:49,220 --> 00:47:54,080
a platform for his comedy when I gave
him a weekly spot on Chelsea lately and

617
00:47:54,080 --> 00:48:00,850
I had no idea thank you I had no idea
when I did

618
00:48:00,850 --> 00:48:05,810
this that we would be subjected to three
Jumanjis, two ride-alongs, two die

619
00:48:05,810 --> 00:48:09,070
-hards, endless amounts of
heart-to-hearts, and whatever make-a

620
00:48:09,070 --> 00:48:12,070
-wish situation you have going on with
the plastic fucking cup boys.

621
00:48:13,090 --> 00:48:15,310
So first, I'm here to apologize.

622
00:48:16,330 --> 00:48:20,710
And second, I'm here to do something we
don't see white people do enough of in

623
00:48:20,710 --> 00:48:23,810
Hollywood. Take credit for a black
person's career.

624
00:48:29,420 --> 00:48:32,620
I'm going to circle back to you in a
minute because I am really here on

625
00:48:32,620 --> 00:48:35,300
behalf of women in America and abroad.

626
00:48:37,760 --> 00:48:41,540
Welcome to tonight's episode of To Catch
a Predator.

627
00:48:43,260 --> 00:48:46,880
This is a real who's who of statutory
rapists.

628
00:48:49,420 --> 00:48:52,040
We're all just lucky none of you could
afford an island.

629
00:48:55,509 --> 00:48:59,430
Netflix assembled this panel of men to
remind us that there are worse things

630
00:48:59,430 --> 00:49:02,250
than Louis C.K. jerking off in front of
you.

631
00:49:03,790 --> 00:49:07,590
Congratulations, you guys. You did it.
You helped sway the last selection.

632
00:49:07,990 --> 00:49:08,990
Way to go.

633
00:49:09,250 --> 00:49:11,490
You should be proud, boys.

634
00:49:13,670 --> 00:49:17,530
Now that your favorite leader is making
the draft mandatory, I assume that all

635
00:49:17,530 --> 00:49:19,530
of you will be signing up to go fight in
Iran.

636
00:49:19,830 --> 00:49:23,870
Or do you tough-talking pussies only go
to the Middle East for comedy festivals?

637
00:49:36,620 --> 00:49:37,620
Pinchcliffe is here.

638
00:49:40,240 --> 00:49:44,480
Tony is what happens when women don't
have safe access to abortion care.

639
00:49:46,680 --> 00:49:50,060
Tony and Shane both live in Texas where
abortion is illegal.

640
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:54,040
But on the upside, if you see one of
them doing comedy, there's a pretty good

641
00:49:54,040 --> 00:49:57,420
chance your uterus will start dry
heaving on its own.

642
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:03,780
Tony is a real guy's guy, or what's more
commonly known as a bottom.

643
00:50:10,060 --> 00:50:13,640
you have the face of a school shooter
and the personality of someone who gets

644
00:50:13,640 --> 00:50:14,640
shot first.

645
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:25,540
Look at you. You look good. You got like
a little Hollywood glow up.

646
00:50:25,860 --> 00:50:28,540
I didn't know veneers came in deli
mustard yellow.

647
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:34,520
But it actually looks a little bit
better in person. You must be using

648
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:36,180
Crest White Supremacist strips.

649
00:50:39,310 --> 00:50:43,130
Tony and Shane, this must be so exciting
for you guys. Usually on Sunday nights,

650
00:50:43,210 --> 00:50:45,850
you just burn a cross on someone's lawn.

651
00:50:46,790 --> 00:50:49,690
And tonight, you get to roast a whole
black guy.

652
00:50:52,290 --> 00:50:54,170
Well, a half of one, because it's Kevin.

653
00:50:56,150 --> 00:51:00,010
Tony, quick question. If you're here
tonight, who's keeping Joe Rogan's balls

654
00:51:00,010 --> 00:51:01,010
warm in their mouth?

655
00:51:12,170 --> 00:51:13,290
Oakerson is here tonight.

656
00:51:14,750 --> 00:51:15,790
Let's keep moving.

657
00:51:16,250 --> 00:51:17,550
Cheryl Underwood.

658
00:51:18,350 --> 00:51:22,690
Regina Hall. I'm not going to use my
time to insult two black women when I'm

659
00:51:22,690 --> 00:51:24,270
dealing with this fucking group of
idiots.

660
00:51:25,850 --> 00:51:27,650
Draymond Green is here tonight.

661
00:51:29,230 --> 00:51:32,390
I like Draymond a lot. I like what
you're putting down.

662
00:51:32,630 --> 00:51:36,670
Draymond has achieved something many
black men in the NBA have never

663
00:51:36,670 --> 00:51:38,830
accomplished. He married a black woman.

664
00:51:44,140 --> 00:51:47,600
In preparation for this roast, I looked
up everybody's star signs. So I found

665
00:51:47,600 --> 00:51:52,540
out I'm a Pisces, I know Pete is a
Scorpio, and Jeff Ross has cancer.

666
00:52:00,300 --> 00:52:03,860
Let's give it up for the least
problematic man on the stage tonight,

667
00:52:04,040 --> 00:52:05,040
Pete Davidson!

668
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,040
Whoever thought I would say that
sentence?

669
00:52:10,540 --> 00:52:12,900
Pete is our moral compass tonight.

670
00:52:14,030 --> 00:52:19,190
Pete recently welcomed his first child
that he knows of.

671
00:52:19,550 --> 00:52:23,870
A beautiful baby girl. Congratulations,
Pete, on becoming a father. I can see

672
00:52:23,870 --> 00:52:27,650
you've turned over a new leaf. I'm just
glad that Tony Hinchcliffe didn't have a

673
00:52:27,650 --> 00:52:32,070
baby and that he has a daughter now. You
know, if he had a daughter, her first

674
00:52:32,070 --> 00:52:33,210
words would be, me too.

675
00:52:40,710 --> 00:52:42,720
And now... Sorry, if you had a son.

676
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:44,820
And now back to Kevin.

677
00:52:45,440 --> 00:52:50,140
Kevin had a DUI in 2013 and then had a
little dipsy doodle off Mulholland in

678
00:52:50,140 --> 00:52:51,140
2019.

679
00:52:51,860 --> 00:52:55,560
And then had the nerve to call one of
his movies Ride Along.

680
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:00,180
Even Tiger Woods is like, no thanks,
I'll walk.

681
00:53:03,760 --> 00:53:08,080
But I do want to congratulate you,
Kevin, on your tequila. Kevin's tequila

682
00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:10,180
is called Grand Core Amino.

683
00:53:10,810 --> 00:53:13,770
which is Spanish for Eddie Murphy said
fuck no.

684
00:53:15,770 --> 00:53:21,270
It's the only tequila brand in the world
where if you want to swallow a tiny

685
00:53:21,270 --> 00:53:25,790
shriveled up little worm, Kevin will
personally drive to your house and face

686
00:53:25,790 --> 00:53:26,790
fuck you.

687
00:53:28,050 --> 00:53:31,330
I do want to say this, however, about
Kevin, because Kevin is one of the few

688
00:53:31,330 --> 00:53:36,870
male comedians who's never been gross or
inappropriate around me. He has never

689
00:53:36,870 --> 00:53:38,870
been disrespectful to me.

690
00:53:39,290 --> 00:53:44,210
or any other woman in his presence. And
the only time he ever said anything

691
00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:49,190
sexual was when he was shit-faced at one
of the Chelsea Lately rap parties, and

692
00:53:49,190 --> 00:53:51,390
you were like, he was like, Chelsea,
Chelsea, Chelsea!

693
00:53:54,010 --> 00:53:56,410
Chelsea, you fucked the wrong black guy!

694
00:53:57,870 --> 00:53:59,950
You fucked the wrong black guy!

695
00:54:01,010 --> 00:54:03,930
And I thought that was so cute that you
thought there was only one.

696
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:17,300
is actually starting to look familiar
but the worst thing about Kevin is if

697
00:54:17,300 --> 00:54:21,900
you do Kevin one favor he will never
stop asking you to do him more favors

698
00:54:21,900 --> 00:54:26,440
and the reason people say yes is because
it's the only way to get you to shut the

699
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:31,700
fuck up and somehow you seem to think
that you're the greatest negotiator, the

700
00:54:31,700 --> 00:54:35,260
best, is what you say. And I would like
to let everyone here know that the most

701
00:54:35,260 --> 00:54:40,040
recent favor Kevin asked me to do for
him was to film his TV show, Funny AF,

702
00:54:40,220 --> 00:54:42,420
which is a very gay name, by the way.

703
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:48,600
And it'd be a great show. You're right,
it is a good show. But I was in Majorca

704
00:54:48,600 --> 00:54:51,180
at the time, like any other rich white
woman would be.

705
00:54:51,940 --> 00:54:58,080
So after I said no to Kevin for the 11th
time, Kevin chartered a private plane.

706
00:54:58,750 --> 00:55:04,350
for me and my entire family to fly from
Spain to Los Angeles.

707
00:55:05,270 --> 00:55:08,750
Except here's the truth. My family was
never with me, Kevin.

708
00:55:09,270 --> 00:55:14,150
I just said that to get you to leave me
alone. So you chartered a 16-seat

709
00:55:14,150 --> 00:55:17,650
Gulfstream for me and my dog.

710
00:55:19,570 --> 00:55:24,830
So I would like to correct the record
from best negotiator to huge fucking

711
00:55:24,830 --> 00:55:25,830
idiot.

712
00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:31,120
Nice note, since this is a roast and
everyone's so disgusting, I would just

713
00:55:31,120 --> 00:55:35,240
like to say, as a woman, I am proud to
be friends with a male comedian who

714
00:55:35,240 --> 00:55:40,140
respects women, who spends time with his
family, and who loves his wife, Aniko.

715
00:55:40,420 --> 00:55:43,200
That makes me proud to be your friend.
So I'm going to give you that, you

716
00:55:43,200 --> 00:55:44,200
little fucking nugget.

717
00:56:00,810 --> 00:56:04,570
It takes a lot of people. Yeah, how
about one more time for Chelsea? Yeah,

718
00:56:04,570 --> 00:56:05,570
yeah, yeah.

719
00:56:08,210 --> 00:56:09,210
Fucking asshole.

720
00:56:11,170 --> 00:56:13,770
It takes a lot of people to support the
career of Kevin Hart.

721
00:56:14,030 --> 00:56:18,570
Here to honor Kevin's stand-ins and body
doubles, please welcome Lizzo.

722
00:57:21,740 --> 00:57:23,620
you know, they gonna kick you out the
lollipop guild.

723
00:57:25,480 --> 00:57:27,260
Kevin, what's going on with this dayist?

724
00:57:27,560 --> 00:57:31,220
I was promised real celebrities. Where
are all your friends from the Diddy

725
00:57:31,220 --> 00:57:32,220
Files?

726
00:57:32,940 --> 00:57:34,200
You know all of them.

727
00:57:35,720 --> 00:57:37,500
I feel overdressed right now.

728
00:57:38,280 --> 00:57:39,300
Do y'all like my outfit?

729
00:57:43,040 --> 00:57:45,260
I found it in Tony Hinchcliffe's closet.

730
00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:48,500
Right next to Tony Hinchcliffe.

731
00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:55,780
fan of my music um but the lyric is
blame it on the juice not blame it on

732
00:57:55,780 --> 00:58:02,640
the jews the fuck is wrong with you me
and tony actually have something

733
00:58:02,640 --> 00:58:07,160
in common i played james madison's
crystal flute and he played donald

734
00:58:07,160 --> 00:58:14,140
trump's skin flute chelsea um a flute is

735
00:58:14,140 --> 00:58:17,920
something you wrap your lips around that
won't leave you after you blow it just

736
00:58:17,920 --> 00:58:20,740
want you to know that shane gillis

737
00:58:23,470 --> 00:58:26,910
that introduction. You look good. You've
been chasing your beard with milk.

738
00:58:30,210 --> 00:58:37,050
Shane Gillis looked like somebody trying
to draw Buzz Lightyear from memory.

739
00:58:40,370 --> 00:58:42,290
I just made that one up on the spot.

740
00:58:45,990 --> 00:58:49,570
Shane, I wrote you a song. In case
nobody told you.

741
00:58:57,420 --> 00:59:02,980
rest of us boy Draymond Green is here
why

742
00:59:02,980 --> 00:59:09,200
is everyone booing him I'm excited to
see you personally I've never seen

743
00:59:09,200 --> 00:59:12,400
Draymond Green in person I always
thought he was just six Kevin Hart's in

744
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:17,320
a trench coat so that's fucking cool um
Jeff Ross

745
00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:23,580
looking like my bloody tampon Jeff

746
00:59:23,580 --> 00:59:25,940
got ready for tonight by spending

747
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:33,260
in a swimming pool you know i believe
that everybody is beautiful except for

748
00:59:33,260 --> 00:59:37,980
you jeff you ugly as shit you look like
an old white black woman

749
00:59:37,980 --> 00:59:44,280
okay okay okay that was mean that was
mean there's so much negativity here

750
00:59:44,280 --> 00:59:48,380
tonight and y'all know that's not my
thing i like to write songs that uplift

751
00:59:48,380 --> 00:59:52,500
and inspire women so that they don't
make bad decisions like fucking pete

752
00:59:52,500 --> 00:59:53,500
davidson

753
00:59:57,230 --> 00:59:58,230
I would fuck you.

754
01:00:00,190 --> 01:00:02,570
There's more to that joke, and I'm just
going to stop it right there.

755
01:00:05,230 --> 01:00:06,230
Let's keep going.

756
01:00:07,210 --> 01:00:08,350
In all seriousness.

757
01:00:11,510 --> 01:00:14,790
Oh, this is live? Okay, cool.

758
01:00:18,290 --> 01:00:20,970
But in all seriousness, Kevin, thank
you.

759
01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:24,310
It's an honor to share the stage with
someone who's opened the door for so

760
01:00:24,310 --> 01:00:25,550
many black men.

761
01:00:26,220 --> 01:00:27,260
Thank you, Chelsea Handler.

762
01:00:29,180 --> 01:00:30,180
Wakanda forever!

763
01:00:33,300 --> 01:00:36,860
Chelsea, your set was incredible, and
your tits are even better, babe.

764
01:00:38,780 --> 01:00:39,780
Woo!

765
01:00:40,340 --> 01:00:44,840
Kevin and I are both mocked for our
size, and we share that pain, but I can

766
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:46,340
lose weight. You can't get taller,
nigga.

767
01:00:50,940 --> 01:00:52,760
Ain't no Ozipic for being short and
greasy.

768
01:00:58,220 --> 01:01:01,680
here tonight. And as a thank you, I have
a new album coming out.

769
01:01:04,420 --> 01:01:05,960
And I actually named it after you.

770
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:07,280
It's called Bitch.

771
01:01:08,980 --> 01:01:11,740
You're not just a bitch, you're my
bitch, Kevin. I love you so much.

772
01:01:16,460 --> 01:01:23,100
Here we go for Lizzo.

773
01:01:27,280 --> 01:01:30,220
I'd really love to make fun of her, but
I met her earlier this week, and she's

774
01:01:30,220 --> 01:01:31,500
actually pretty fucking cool.

775
01:01:32,640 --> 01:01:36,780
Who would have thought that? But anyway,
actually, I'd still like to do it. Go

776
01:01:36,780 --> 01:01:37,780
back.

777
01:01:38,940 --> 01:01:42,060
Lizzo looks like the final boss of a Red
Lobster video game.

778
01:01:49,260 --> 01:01:53,160
People keep saying Lizzo's washed up,
but I believe the correct term is

779
01:01:53,160 --> 01:01:54,160
beached.

780
01:01:56,750 --> 01:01:58,670
Nice flute, you fat fucking bitch.

781
01:02:06,610 --> 01:02:07,610
We're having fun.

782
01:02:09,030 --> 01:02:15,070
I got it, Lizzo. I got him, Lizzo. No,
come on. Why you gotta give me? I've

783
01:02:15,070 --> 01:02:16,730
been getting a lot. What the fuck's your
problem, Chelsea?

784
01:02:19,410 --> 01:02:20,410
Goddamn.

785
01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:24,330
Guys, next guy we're gonna talk about is
Pete Davidson. Pete Davidson.

786
01:02:25,480 --> 01:02:29,460
Pete Davidson is here to remind me that
being on SNL does not make you a better

787
01:02:29,460 --> 01:02:30,460
comedian.

788
01:02:32,100 --> 01:02:35,880
Pete showed up at the Kids' Choice
Awards high on ketamine.

789
01:02:36,820 --> 01:02:38,620
I actually think that's pretty fucking
awesome.

790
01:02:40,380 --> 01:02:43,460
At least you didn't show up to that
event on Viagra like a lot of the people

791
01:02:43,460 --> 01:02:44,460
in this room did.

792
01:02:47,600 --> 01:02:48,760
There's a lot of pedophiles here.

793
01:02:52,880 --> 01:02:56,980
Pete, this is actually an intervention
for you. Please start doing drugs so you

794
01:02:56,980 --> 01:02:58,220
can be fun and interesting again.

795
01:02:59,780 --> 01:03:02,500
He has a new podcast on Netflix and it
fucking sucks.

796
01:03:05,000 --> 01:03:07,600
Pete's the fucking man. I love him. Make
some noise. Pete Davidson, everybody.

797
01:03:21,930 --> 01:03:22,930
at this day.

798
01:03:23,190 --> 01:03:24,910
Can't call me a star fucker anymore.

799
01:03:27,550 --> 01:03:31,750
Great job hosting, Shane. You look like
you got CTE playing fantasy football.

800
01:03:37,510 --> 01:03:40,930
Shane, you got fired from SNL. Do you
know how hard that is?

801
01:03:41,290 --> 01:03:43,390
I tried for eight years and couldn't do
it.

802
01:03:45,090 --> 01:03:46,390
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

803
01:03:46,860 --> 01:03:51,000
looking like both a child molester and
the doll they give the child to show

804
01:03:51,000 --> 01:03:52,060
where he touched them.

805
01:03:56,720 --> 01:04:01,080
Tony reminds me of Charlie Kirk in that
he's definitely been on camera letting a

806
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:02,420
guy unload in his throat.

807
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:07,340
Oh, you don't know me?

808
01:04:08,020 --> 01:04:09,020
You don't know me?

809
01:04:09,340 --> 01:04:10,340
Yeah.

810
01:04:11,060 --> 01:04:12,060
Yeah.

811
01:04:12,400 --> 01:04:13,400
Kill Tony.

812
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:15,240
Please. Someone.

813
01:04:15,740 --> 01:04:16,740
Fucking kill Tony.

814
01:04:19,460 --> 01:04:23,480
Tony, nothing you say tonight will hurt
my feelings. I was in a beef with Kanye,

815
01:04:23,580 --> 01:04:25,660
so I've taken shots from better gay
Nazis.

816
01:04:29,560 --> 01:04:30,560
Thank you.

817
01:04:30,800 --> 01:04:31,800
Yeah.

818
01:04:32,540 --> 01:04:34,060
What's left of Lizzo is here.

819
01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:39,200
Either that or Eddie Murphy just
premiered the newest clump.

820
01:04:47,150 --> 01:04:50,330
Lizzo mostly dates men, but identifies
as LGBTQ.

821
01:04:57,590 --> 01:05:01,230
Chelsea Handler is here. Thanks for
saying nice things about me. That was

822
01:05:01,230 --> 01:05:05,590
nice. Chelsea is so old that when she
blew 50 Cent, he was just a nickel.

823
01:05:09,010 --> 01:05:10,650
Regina Hall is here. Pass.

824
01:05:13,090 --> 01:05:14,750
Naeem Lynn, also pass.

825
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:17,000
Hi, Jeff.

826
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:19,480
Jeff, you look like the inside of a
clam.

827
01:05:27,520 --> 01:05:30,760
Jeff looks like my dad if he somehow
survived 9-11.

828
01:05:39,340 --> 01:05:42,280
The Babadook, I mean Cheryl Underwood,
is here.

829
01:05:44,440 --> 01:05:45,440
Hello, ma'am.

830
01:05:48,290 --> 01:05:51,890
Cheryl has a daytime Emmy because nobody
can see her at night.

831
01:05:54,670 --> 01:05:56,750
We play hide and seek later. You're on
my team.

832
01:06:01,530 --> 01:06:02,630
I'm sorry.

833
01:06:03,410 --> 01:06:05,750
By the way, guys, Cheryl isn't smiling.

834
01:06:05,990 --> 01:06:09,510
She's just unhinging her jaw so she can
swallow Kevin whole.

835
01:06:14,530 --> 01:06:15,870
Big J is here.

836
01:06:16,360 --> 01:06:18,480
Big Jay Oakerson, good friend of mine.
Love you.

837
01:06:19,540 --> 01:06:23,460
Women say Jay is like a big teddy bear
because eventually they find out he's

838
01:06:23,460 --> 01:06:24,780
been recording them the whole time.

839
01:06:28,660 --> 01:06:29,700
Draymond Green is here.

840
01:06:30,560 --> 01:06:31,560
Yeah.

841
01:06:33,980 --> 01:06:37,720
Why do you look blacker than usual? Is
it because you got burnt by the suns?

842
01:06:47,670 --> 01:06:50,970
Draymond's so dirty, even Magic Johnson
refuses to play with him.

843
01:06:54,050 --> 01:06:56,350
And of course, we have Kevin Hart.

844
01:06:57,410 --> 01:07:03,150
Yep. I love you too, buddy. What can you
say about Kevin that hasn't already been

845
01:07:03,150 --> 01:07:05,470
yelled out by a guy with Tourette's at
the BAFTAs?

846
01:07:11,970 --> 01:07:16,250
Kevin looks like Draymond's Funko Pop.

847
01:07:22,280 --> 01:07:26,940
You know, I get lumped in a lot with
Kevin because we both performed at the

848
01:07:26,940 --> 01:07:28,080
Riyadh Comedy Festival.

849
01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:31,960
But the difference is, Kevin went to
Saudi Arabia for a day's work. Well,

850
01:07:31,980 --> 01:07:33,660
I've been owed that money since I was
seven.

851
01:07:38,660 --> 01:07:39,940
Yes, thank you.

852
01:07:41,540 --> 01:07:43,320
Yeah, that's all I wanted to do.

853
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:49,420
First of all, I just want to say I love
you very much. You've always been super

854
01:07:49,420 --> 01:07:53,120
nice to me. We actually met at the
Bieber roast, which is super cool that

855
01:07:53,120 --> 01:07:54,300
now it's this.

856
01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:59,300
You're a very hardworking person, and
when it's all said and done, you know,

857
01:07:59,300 --> 01:08:01,600
in the comedy world, what's most
important is you'll be remembered.

858
01:08:01,880 --> 01:08:05,240
And I think that's fucking something.
Thanks for having me.

859
01:08:14,960 --> 01:08:17,580
Yeah. Pete. Hell yeah. Give it up for
Pete. He just killed.

860
01:08:21,020 --> 01:08:22,020
Fuck yeah, Pete.

861
01:08:22,859 --> 01:08:26,399
Now we're going to talk about Draymond
Green. Draymond Green is here.

862
01:08:28,060 --> 01:08:29,479
Yeah. Fuck him.

863
01:08:33,580 --> 01:08:37,720
Draymond Green has four NBA
championships the way Ringo Starr has 11

864
01:08:37,720 --> 01:08:38,720
number one albums.

865
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:47,220
Draymond's always taking credit for the
accomplishments of his more talented

866
01:08:47,220 --> 01:08:49,680
friends. See, Jeff? It's not just you.

867
01:08:52,300 --> 01:08:55,960
Draymond is the first player to make
four All-Star teams for just setting

868
01:08:55,960 --> 01:08:56,960
picks.

869
01:08:58,859 --> 01:09:01,040
Thought that would get more. Fuck you
guys. You don't know ball.

870
01:09:04,380 --> 01:09:06,740
Go ahead. Make some noise. Draymond
Green, everybody. Give it up for

871
01:09:06,740 --> 01:09:07,740
Draymond.

872
01:09:22,439 --> 01:09:25,260
I think this is the part where I'm
supposed to say, fuck all of you for

873
01:09:25,260 --> 01:09:26,260
booing me.

874
01:09:28,359 --> 01:09:35,279
But I actually... But I actually need
y'all to laugh at these jokes

875
01:09:35,279 --> 01:09:37,899
they wrote for me, so y'all love
apologies, I'm sorry.

876
01:09:38,600 --> 01:09:43,380
I know I probably seem a little
uncomfortable up here, but I'm in the

877
01:09:43,380 --> 01:09:44,380
NBA.

878
01:09:44,439 --> 01:09:46,540
I'm not used to working around this many
white people.

879
01:09:47,460 --> 01:09:49,859
I feel like Hoosiers in this bitch.

880
01:09:52,270 --> 01:09:58,910
Kevin, you let all these white boys talk
bad about us, our culture, our beautiful

881
01:09:58,910 --> 01:10:01,190
black women. You fucking sellout.

882
01:10:02,810 --> 01:10:06,230
Uncle Tom ain't got shit on you.

883
01:10:07,410 --> 01:10:10,490
And I'm putting cases on all you white
motherfuckers.

884
01:10:12,110 --> 01:10:14,630
Shane Gillis, look at you.

885
01:10:15,430 --> 01:10:16,810
Big pastry face.

886
01:10:18,990 --> 01:10:20,170
That mustache.

887
01:10:21,290 --> 01:10:23,650
You look like a 1930s baseball card.

888
01:10:28,910 --> 01:10:32,750
If you look closely at Jeff Ross, you'll
notice he has no eyebrows.

889
01:10:34,770 --> 01:10:37,090
They were lost when he went through
Kevin Hart's windshield.

890
01:10:41,410 --> 01:10:43,130
Kevin Hart had a video game.

891
01:10:43,470 --> 01:10:45,510
They call it Grand Theft... Uh-oh.

892
01:10:49,580 --> 01:10:50,960
Tony Henscliffe. What's up, man?

893
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,640
Always flexing that he grew up in the
hood.

894
01:10:55,180 --> 01:10:56,180
Well, yeah.

895
01:10:56,320 --> 01:10:58,420
That's what you were to a fucking cross
burning.

896
01:11:01,600 --> 01:11:03,000
Pete Davidson's here.

897
01:11:04,820 --> 01:11:06,080
Pete Davidson's here.

898
01:11:06,740 --> 01:11:07,740
Why?

899
01:11:10,780 --> 01:11:12,080
You fucked the Kardashian.

900
01:11:13,760 --> 01:11:17,800
You got those big ass lips and terrible
fucking decision making skills.

901
01:11:19,020 --> 01:11:20,320
You get an N-word pass.

902
01:11:21,480 --> 01:11:22,900
It's only good for an hour.

903
01:11:23,560 --> 01:11:24,680
And use it wisely.

904
01:11:34,780 --> 01:11:37,660
I'll tell you who's having a terrible
Mother's Day.

905
01:11:38,880 --> 01:11:40,040
Chelsea Handler's kids.

906
01:11:43,820 --> 01:11:47,240
Chelsea's had so many abortions, she's
killed more innocent blacks than the

907
01:11:47,240 --> 01:11:48,240
LAPD.

908
01:11:52,840 --> 01:11:56,420
Listen, I did not write these jokes.
Chelsea, you were really nice to me. I'm

909
01:11:56,420 --> 01:11:57,420
sorry.

910
01:11:59,540 --> 01:12:02,160
In her defense, several of them were
armed.

911
01:12:05,920 --> 01:12:07,140
I should stop here.

912
01:12:09,900 --> 01:12:11,520
And no, no, go back.

913
01:12:11,860 --> 01:12:12,860
We're not done.

914
01:12:13,700 --> 01:12:14,880
Not fucking done here.

915
01:12:15,260 --> 01:12:19,700
And no, I never have and never will
smash Chelsea Haller.

916
01:12:20,180 --> 01:12:21,260
I'm Draymond Green.

917
01:12:21,800 --> 01:12:22,840
I don't hit threes.

918
01:12:37,040 --> 01:12:40,720
You might have seen that three-point
shootout I did with Kevin.

919
01:12:41,520 --> 01:12:42,520
He was awful.

920
01:12:43,840 --> 01:12:46,700
Kevin, you put up enough bricks to build
your dad a new crack house.

921
01:12:51,120 --> 01:12:54,920
Just so Kevin didn't look terrible, they
deliberately had me miss shots.

922
01:12:55,680 --> 01:12:56,680
I'm like, sure.

923
01:12:57,040 --> 01:12:58,900
Anyone can blow a shot, right, Kev?

924
01:13:00,380 --> 01:13:02,340
Like when you blew your shot at the
Oscars.

925
01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:03,680
Oh, you son of a bitch.

926
01:13:04,680 --> 01:13:06,140
What the fuck is your issue, man?

927
01:13:07,840 --> 01:13:08,860
Kevin and I are boys.

928
01:13:09,260 --> 01:13:10,440
We play poker together.

929
01:13:11,020 --> 01:13:13,900
When we first started playing, he didn't
know anything.

930
01:13:14,500 --> 01:13:15,580
I had to explain.

931
01:13:16,200 --> 01:13:17,340
A straight flush.

932
01:13:18,000 --> 01:13:20,640
is what you should have done with that
get hard script.

933
01:13:22,640 --> 01:13:24,440
You should have flushed that piece of
shit.

934
01:13:26,780 --> 01:13:28,200
Kevin is terrible at cards.

935
01:13:28,660 --> 01:13:31,220
He's gotten better, but he's still
fucking terrible.

936
01:13:32,060 --> 01:13:34,300
He plays poker the way he makes all his
movies.

937
01:13:34,700 --> 01:13:35,840
Bet it all on the flop.

938
01:13:41,260 --> 01:13:45,840
We always clean him out. Because if you
pay attention, Kevin has a subtle tail.

939
01:13:47,470 --> 01:13:48,810
Oh, shit! Pocket Kings!

940
01:13:49,250 --> 01:13:51,550
I'm going to beat all you motherfuckers!
Dumb bitches!

941
01:13:51,770 --> 01:13:53,130
It's me, motherfuckers!

942
01:13:57,830 --> 01:14:00,070
And you can always tell when Kevin's
bluffing.

943
01:14:00,490 --> 01:14:03,050
Like when he says how great the next
special is going to be.

944
01:14:06,170 --> 01:14:07,690
I've seen all of Kevin's movies.

945
01:14:08,070 --> 01:14:12,570
It's the only time I can go to a theater
and the people sitting behind me don't

946
01:14:12,570 --> 01:14:13,630
mind me blocking their view.

947
01:14:16,340 --> 01:14:19,400
During Borderlands, I heard someone
yell, up in front.

948
01:14:24,080 --> 01:14:27,480
They didn't write a joke for Naeem. The
writers didn't know who the fuck you

949
01:14:27,480 --> 01:14:28,480
were.

950
01:14:29,960 --> 01:14:32,640
But I'm here for you, Kev, because we're
family.

951
01:14:34,080 --> 01:14:37,360
People don't know this, but my wife and
your wife are cousins.

952
01:14:38,660 --> 01:14:41,940
They say you can choose your friends,
but you can't choose your family.

953
01:14:42,420 --> 01:14:45,600
If I could do that, I'd be at a fucking
Dave Chappelle roast.

954
01:14:46,040 --> 01:14:47,040
Thank y'all.

955
01:14:58,020 --> 01:14:59,020
Great job, Draymond.

956
01:15:00,400 --> 01:15:01,400
Way to go, Draymond.

957
01:15:03,220 --> 01:15:04,220
Here we go now, Draymond.

958
01:15:06,900 --> 01:15:08,040
That's pretty good. Fuck.

959
01:15:08,260 --> 01:15:09,260
All right.

960
01:15:09,660 --> 01:15:14,120
The next guy is Big Jay Oakerson. Now.

961
01:15:14,680 --> 01:15:16,060
A lot of people, yeah, hell yeah.

962
01:15:16,920 --> 01:15:21,420
A lot of people don't know this, but Big
Jay actually got his start playing banjo

963
01:15:21,420 --> 01:15:23,740
with the other animatronic bears on
Splash Mountain.

964
01:15:27,820 --> 01:15:29,740
Jay and Kevin were once best friends.

965
01:15:30,720 --> 01:15:34,000
Jay, if it makes you feel any better, if
Kevin didn't abandon you, you would have

966
01:15:34,000 --> 01:15:35,720
just ended up like fucking Naeem Lynn.

967
01:15:38,920 --> 01:15:42,020
Alright, thought that was pretty funny.
Okay.

968
01:15:42,960 --> 01:15:46,320
For real, I do love you and I hope this
goes well for you. You're the fucking

969
01:15:46,320 --> 01:15:47,360
man. Make some noise.

970
01:15:48,020 --> 01:15:49,020
Oh,

971
01:15:51,420 --> 01:15:58,060
thank you.

972
01:15:58,300 --> 01:16:00,720
What's up? Thank you, Roots.

973
01:16:02,320 --> 01:16:04,520
Kia Forum. What is this place? Falling
the fuck asleep?

974
01:16:06,260 --> 01:16:08,720
Let's fucking go. What a crowd. God
damn.

975
01:16:09,020 --> 01:16:10,020
T-Pain.

976
01:16:10,280 --> 01:16:11,340
Fucking MGK.

977
01:16:12,420 --> 01:16:13,640
John fucking Stamos.

978
01:16:13,860 --> 01:16:17,180
Why is John Stamos at a Kevin Hart
roast?

979
01:16:18,120 --> 01:16:19,120
He is?

980
01:16:19,820 --> 01:16:22,800
John Stamos is your friend. There was no
black people on Full House.

981
01:16:25,560 --> 01:16:28,460
Shane Gillis. How good is Shane Gillis
doing tonight, everybody? Come on.

982
01:16:31,020 --> 01:16:34,040
Isn't Shane what we all thought
Schwarzenegger and the Maid's Kid was

983
01:16:34,040 --> 01:16:35,040
going to look like?

984
01:16:35,660 --> 01:16:38,500
A big lummoxed body with a Mexican lady
mustache?

985
01:16:41,480 --> 01:16:43,860
Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General is
here, everybody.

986
01:16:46,600 --> 01:16:50,980
Jeff Ross, if you're not a pedophile,
God sure thought you were going to be.

987
01:16:52,160 --> 01:16:57,020
Because why would he make your face look
like a thumbprint cookie? Jeff Ross

988
01:16:57,020 --> 01:16:59,900
looks like he ferries people to Epstein
Island in a hot air balloon.

989
01:17:01,080 --> 01:17:03,800
And I wrote that without even knowing
how he was going to dress tonight.

990
01:17:09,070 --> 01:17:12,390
The queen of roasting is not here
tonight, Nikki Glaser, of course,

991
01:17:12,450 --> 01:17:15,310
because it's Chelsea Handler's week with
the substance.

992
01:17:19,870 --> 01:17:22,290
They each get one week. You can't cross
over.

993
01:17:26,290 --> 01:17:29,730
Handler, you old bag of Botox. I feel
like you're a girl that I would call by

994
01:17:29,730 --> 01:17:31,070
her last name if I knew you better.

995
01:17:31,330 --> 01:17:35,490
Handler. You know, Handler here famously
had sex with 50 Cent.

996
01:17:35,900 --> 01:17:38,520
and Asian-American comedian Joe Coy.

997
01:17:38,800 --> 01:17:42,300
Damn, Goldilocks, what is your problem
with regular-sized dicks?

998
01:17:43,060 --> 01:17:45,160
Do you have to try them all out first?

999
01:17:47,500 --> 01:17:49,340
Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent Fix.

1000
01:17:49,560 --> 01:17:52,100
What do you guys think that smells like?
I bet you got some ideas.

1001
01:17:52,420 --> 01:17:53,420
I wrote a few down.

1002
01:17:56,820 --> 01:17:57,940
Lilac and corn chips.

1003
01:17:59,220 --> 01:18:01,180
Witch hazel and purple vitamin water.

1004
01:18:02,420 --> 01:18:04,000
Logan Berry and fired gun.

1005
01:18:05,430 --> 01:18:07,070
Old hands and new sneakers.

1006
01:18:07,270 --> 01:18:08,470
You can play at home if you want.

1007
01:18:10,210 --> 01:18:11,910
Pumpkin spice and P. Diddy rumors.

1008
01:18:12,250 --> 01:18:13,950
Hashtag 50 cent handler smells.

1009
01:18:16,850 --> 01:18:18,030
Cheryl Underwood is here.

1010
01:18:18,650 --> 01:18:20,210
Cheryl Underwood, a comedy legend.

1011
01:18:21,390 --> 01:18:25,550
And a beautiful black woman with the
word black in bold italics.

1012
01:18:26,310 --> 01:18:29,030
Cheryl Underwood is as black as the road
is black.

1013
01:18:29,690 --> 01:18:33,330
She looks like somebody made a genie
wish for a puddle of mud to come to

1014
01:18:33,330 --> 01:18:34,330
life.

1015
01:18:35,470 --> 01:18:38,490
If Cheryl Underwood is black, it's
interstellar phenomenon.

1016
01:18:39,030 --> 01:18:42,410
If she stood against a brick wall, the
roadrunner could run right through her.

1017
01:18:44,270 --> 01:18:47,770
Cheryl Underwood is so black, we had to
bring on Draymond Green just to color

1018
01:18:47,770 --> 01:18:48,970
balance the fucking cameras.

1019
01:18:55,430 --> 01:18:59,430
He became friends earlier.

1020
01:19:01,390 --> 01:19:03,150
My good friend Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

1021
01:19:06,530 --> 01:19:09,210
Tony fucking Hinchcliffe is here. Make
some noise, goddamn.

1022
01:19:12,470 --> 01:19:16,350
A lot of people might not remember, but
Tony actually got canceled one time by

1023
01:19:16,350 --> 01:19:20,150
his very own Asian opener for calling
Tony a racist. Yeah.

1024
01:19:20,390 --> 01:19:25,250
And then Tony hired a new Asian opener
to prove that he wasn't a racist, which

1025
01:19:25,250 --> 01:19:28,490
I thought was the original Asian opener
because I'm a racist.

1026
01:19:34,830 --> 01:19:38,370
How about Tony's mouth, by the way? All
the mouths over here. Pete Davidson's

1027
01:19:38,370 --> 01:19:39,370
fucking mouth is crazy.

1028
01:19:39,870 --> 01:19:43,290
I've known Pete since he was 17 years
old. I always dreamed that one day his

1029
01:19:43,290 --> 01:19:45,210
head and body would grow into his teeth
and dick.

1030
01:19:48,630 --> 01:19:51,750
Between Tony, Pete, Cheryl, we don't
need chairs up here. We need fucking

1031
01:19:51,750 --> 01:19:52,750
stables.

1032
01:19:54,190 --> 01:19:56,810
Thank God we kept them all over here
before they buck Handler.

1033
01:19:59,770 --> 01:20:00,770
You know...

1034
01:20:01,200 --> 01:20:04,100
Lizzo. How about that? How crazy is
that? Lizzo probably doesn't even know

1035
01:20:04,100 --> 01:20:07,120
this. She doesn't even know this, but we
were in a movie together.

1036
01:20:07,740 --> 01:20:12,100
We were in the movie Hustlers, where I
played a strip club DJ, and Lizzo very

1037
01:20:12,100 --> 01:20:13,900
bravely portrayed a stripper.

1038
01:20:14,140 --> 01:20:15,200
Very bravely.

1039
01:20:16,100 --> 01:20:19,400
In fact, it was so brave that every time
she'd come on set in her stripper

1040
01:20:19,400 --> 01:20:21,600
outfit, I would get in trouble for
starting slow claps.

1041
01:20:32,750 --> 01:20:36,390
And finally, the reason that we're all
here, the one, the only, my boy Kevin

1042
01:20:36,390 --> 01:20:37,390
Hart, everyone.

1043
01:20:41,070 --> 01:20:43,630
I've known Kevin for 28 years now.

1044
01:20:43,870 --> 01:20:48,470
And it's a strange thing because I only
actually knew him for the first five

1045
01:20:48,470 --> 01:20:50,630
years. So I know pre-famous Kevin.

1046
01:20:50,950 --> 01:20:56,470
I don't know famous Kevin at all. Famous
Kevin is sitting on 67 unanswered texts

1047
01:20:56,470 --> 01:20:57,470
from me.

1048
01:20:58,270 --> 01:21:01,730
Up to and including, hey Kev, super
psyched for the roast, thanks for

1049
01:21:01,730 --> 01:21:02,730
including me.

1050
01:21:05,550 --> 01:21:09,730
I don't know the guy farting out
Fabletics ads or staring down the dick

1051
01:21:09,730 --> 01:21:15,690
hole of general insurance hype man
Shaquille O'Neal or shoving your fucking

1052
01:21:15,690 --> 01:21:20,010
dumb tequila down our throats. I know
the person, Kevin Hart. And I have a

1053
01:21:20,010 --> 01:21:26,470
story I wanted to close on about Kev
that means... This is actually

1054
01:21:26,470 --> 01:21:27,470
emotional, this is good.

1055
01:21:29,280 --> 01:21:35,840
In 2012, Hurricane Sandy

1056
01:21:35,840 --> 01:21:39,640
devastated me. I lived in Long Island,
New York. I lost.

1057
01:21:40,060 --> 01:21:43,080
The place I was living was all fucked
up, and my car.

1058
01:21:45,840 --> 01:21:46,880
I had no money.

1059
01:21:47,500 --> 01:21:51,980
I was broke with my wife and my
daughter. It was just a humiliating

1060
01:21:51,980 --> 01:21:56,140
time. As word started to spread that I
got fucked up by this hurricane so bad,

1061
01:21:56,200 --> 01:21:59,800
I started getting phone calls after
years from Kev.

1062
01:22:00,160 --> 01:22:05,160
And I kept seeing his number, and I
wouldn't answer. I was too full of ego

1063
01:22:05,160 --> 01:22:06,160
and pride.

1064
01:22:06,760 --> 01:22:12,220
I was too embarrassed to take his calls.
I knew he was going to try to come in

1065
01:22:12,220 --> 01:22:15,480
and save the day and give me money or
something, and I didn't want to deal

1066
01:22:15,480 --> 01:22:16,239
with it.

1067
01:22:16,240 --> 01:22:19,920
And then I got a phone call from our
mentor.

1068
01:22:20,510 --> 01:22:25,830
Me and Kev had the same mentor, who is
an amazing guy, the guy who helped so

1069
01:22:25,830 --> 01:22:30,090
many comics come up, and probably the
reason that me and you were even

1070
01:22:30,090 --> 01:22:33,610
standing here today, the guy who taught
us everything, our mentor, the late,

1071
01:22:33,670 --> 01:22:34,670
great Keith Robinson.

1072
01:22:51,990 --> 01:22:57,030
He's still alive? He's still alive, Jay.
Oh, he died to me after you got famous.

1073
01:22:57,250 --> 01:22:58,250
Hey,

1074
01:23:00,350 --> 01:23:01,350
Keith.

1075
01:23:01,590 --> 01:23:02,590
Well,

1076
01:23:04,870 --> 01:23:06,050
anyway, Keith called me.

1077
01:23:10,050 --> 01:23:12,230
And I answered the phone for Keith.

1078
01:23:13,030 --> 01:23:18,270
And Keith and his old 70s pimp voice
said, he goes, hey, answer the phone for

1079
01:23:18,270 --> 01:23:19,630
Kev. He's trying to call you.

1080
01:23:20,160 --> 01:23:22,800
He wants to help you out. And I said,
no,

1081
01:23:23,560 --> 01:23:26,080
I'm not answering the phone. I know he's
trying to give me money. It's going to

1082
01:23:26,080 --> 01:23:27,080
make me feel uncomfortable.

1083
01:23:27,740 --> 01:23:28,659
I'm embarrassed.

1084
01:23:28,660 --> 01:23:29,660
I can't do it.

1085
01:23:30,040 --> 01:23:33,340
And then Keith told me, he goes, come
on, man, stop.

1086
01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:35,740
He's trying to give you $10,000.

1087
01:23:38,280 --> 01:23:42,900
And that, like, at the time, that was a
gazillion dollars to me. It was

1088
01:23:42,900 --> 01:23:46,240
everything. And I said, no, I can't take
it. It's too much. I can't pay it back.

1089
01:23:47,190 --> 01:23:49,890
And he said, he's not trying to get you
to pay it back. He wants to give it to

1090
01:23:49,890 --> 01:23:51,610
you. And I said, no, I can't do it.

1091
01:23:51,890 --> 01:23:53,510
It's insane. It's too much money.

1092
01:23:53,970 --> 01:23:59,430
And then Keith, in his wise words, said
to me, it's insultingly low.

1093
01:24:05,930 --> 01:24:07,530
And in hindsight, he's right.

1094
01:24:07,990 --> 01:24:11,370
$10,000. He'd already done Ride Along.
Five, six movies. Easy already.

1095
01:24:15,080 --> 01:24:19,400
But whether it was low or not, what it
did was, Kev, it got me back on my feet

1096
01:24:19,400 --> 01:24:24,200
enough that I was able to get my wife
and daughter back into our apartment.

1097
01:24:24,580 --> 01:24:27,680
And then I was able to take the rest of
that money and in true Kevin Hart

1098
01:24:27,680 --> 01:24:30,700
fashion, immediately leave my first
family.

1099
01:24:32,300 --> 01:24:36,000
So thank you, Kev, for sending me on my
way, my man. I love you so much.

1100
01:24:37,500 --> 01:24:38,700
Thank you for having me.

1101
01:24:46,190 --> 01:24:48,270
Jay Oakerson, everybody. Keep it going
for Jay.

1102
01:24:53,290 --> 01:24:59,090
We asked Tiana Taylor to be here at the
roast tonight, but she sent a letter

1103
01:24:59,090 --> 01:25:00,870
explaining why she couldn't be here.

1104
01:25:01,210 --> 01:25:04,510
Now, to read that letter, please welcome
Tiana Taylor, everybody.

1105
01:25:44,840 --> 01:25:49,580
Dear Kevin, first of all, what's up,
bitch?

1106
01:25:51,780 --> 01:25:54,460
Two plus two not knowing what the fuck
it is, bitch.

1107
01:25:56,400 --> 01:25:59,460
Built like you asked for one adult
ticket with confidence, bitch.

1108
01:26:00,180 --> 01:26:01,180
How you doing?

1109
01:26:02,320 --> 01:26:06,000
Kevin, I'm writing you this letter from
my kitchen because one of your movies is

1110
01:26:06,000 --> 01:26:08,900
playing in my living room right now and
my five-year-old yelled out that you was

1111
01:26:08,900 --> 01:26:11,340
built like you came with triple-A
batteries in a Barbie car.

1112
01:26:12,300 --> 01:26:16,960
My 10-year-old asked, Mommy, if Uncle
Kev is 5'3 and I'm 4'10, how am I still

1113
01:26:16,960 --> 01:26:17,960
taller than him?

1114
01:26:20,680 --> 01:26:23,220
And honestly, Kev, I couldn't answer
that.

1115
01:26:23,440 --> 01:26:24,460
Just couldn't answer that.

1116
01:26:25,140 --> 01:26:28,300
Anyways, I couldn't make it tonight
because I didn't want to show off the,

1117
01:26:28,360 --> 01:26:31,500
you know, I didn't want to throw off the
balance of the day by adding Oscar

1118
01:26:31,500 --> 01:26:37,040
nominee, Time Woman of the Year, Golden
Globe winner, you know, to the lineup.

1119
01:26:38,080 --> 01:26:39,080
That just...

1120
01:26:39,950 --> 01:26:42,770
That just wouldn't be fair to anybody,
especially you.

1121
01:26:43,790 --> 01:26:48,750
See, I feel like roasting you is kind of
beneath me. You know, I know it's kind

1122
01:26:48,750 --> 01:26:51,650
of like a foreign thing, a foreign
concept, because it's literally nothing

1123
01:26:51,650 --> 01:26:58,610
that is beneath you. But still, I would
never say something so hateful like I

1124
01:26:58,610 --> 01:27:02,390
started one battle after another while
Kevin's career has been one bomb after

1125
01:27:02,390 --> 01:27:03,390
another.

1126
01:27:03,630 --> 01:27:06,490
I mean, that would just be so cruel.

1127
01:27:06,730 --> 01:27:08,930
You know, I would never do that, Kev.

1128
01:27:09,660 --> 01:27:11,100
That's Rotten Tomatoes' job.

1129
01:27:11,580 --> 01:27:18,520
But unlike those very fair and balanced
critics, I actually

1130
01:27:18,520 --> 01:27:19,520
respect you a little bit.

1131
01:27:20,100 --> 01:27:23,860
That's why I asked you to present me
with my award at L Woman in Hollywood.

1132
01:27:24,400 --> 01:27:28,120
But you was fake busy, talking about
something. I tried, I tried. You mind

1133
01:27:28,120 --> 01:27:29,580
you doing reshoots? Shut up!

1134
01:27:30,780 --> 01:27:31,780
The fuck?

1135
01:27:32,140 --> 01:27:34,600
So with that being said, why would I
come to your shit?

1136
01:27:35,340 --> 01:27:38,540
Well, to be the bigger person,
obviously.

1137
01:27:39,610 --> 01:27:41,830
Which, honestly, isn't really hard
around you.

1138
01:27:42,730 --> 01:27:48,770
But, most importantly, Netflix paid me a
lot of fucking money to write this

1139
01:27:48,770 --> 01:27:50,410
letter. Ain't this a bitch?

1140
01:27:52,410 --> 01:27:54,090
Be my fucking friend and be here.

1141
01:27:54,570 --> 01:27:55,570
I'm here.

1142
01:27:55,790 --> 01:27:59,010
I'm here. I'm here in this letter. I'm
here. I'm here. I'm here. Because I damn

1143
01:27:59,010 --> 01:28:01,730
sure wasn't doing this shit for free. I
ain't going to hold you, Kev. But for

1144
01:28:01,730 --> 01:28:04,050
the right price, here I am with this
heartfelt letter.

1145
01:28:05,390 --> 01:28:08,890
Four-page letter. Signed it with a kiss.
Filled it with a kiss. Baby shit.

1146
01:28:10,610 --> 01:28:15,270
You know what's so crazy? I remember
when we first met about 15 years ago at

1147
01:28:15,270 --> 01:28:16,410
a Halloween party.

1148
01:28:16,790 --> 01:28:19,050
I was dressed as white boy Bob from
marketing.

1149
01:28:19,310 --> 01:28:20,830
He was dressed as Eddie Murphy.

1150
01:28:21,050 --> 01:28:22,050
Here's a photo.

1151
01:28:23,690 --> 01:28:24,690
Yeah.

1152
01:28:25,910 --> 01:28:26,910
Good time.

1153
01:28:27,430 --> 01:28:28,650
We had a good time, too.

1154
01:28:29,410 --> 01:28:30,970
We had a good time this night, too.

1155
01:28:32,270 --> 01:28:33,410
I remember this night.

1156
01:28:34,170 --> 01:28:35,510
We had a good fucking time.

1157
01:28:36,430 --> 01:28:38,350
Tell the people that we had a good
fucking time.

1158
01:28:40,050 --> 01:28:43,070
Tell them that we had a good fucking
time, T. I got you. I got you.

1159
01:28:44,190 --> 01:28:46,030
Man, we had a great time.

1160
01:28:46,270 --> 01:28:47,270
You know, look at us.

1161
01:28:47,590 --> 01:28:52,170
Just young and, you know, like, it was
really a time, especially at a time

1162
01:28:52,170 --> 01:28:54,430
where, like, everybody wanted to wear
the sexy costumes.

1163
01:28:54,670 --> 01:28:57,810
Them bitches was kittens and shit. You
know, I didn't hear our dumbasses just

1164
01:28:57,810 --> 01:29:00,750
looking like Thomas Jefferson and one of
his unclaimed black kids.

1165
01:29:04,270 --> 01:29:08,170
Yeah. I ain't going front. We both got
some audacity in that picture. But,

1166
01:29:08,190 --> 01:29:09,190
Kevin, you...

1167
01:29:10,220 --> 01:29:14,540
Dressed up as an iconic, funny comedian.

1168
01:29:15,000 --> 01:29:17,420
It's unbelievable and it's disrespectful
and it's inappropriate.

1169
01:29:17,680 --> 01:29:18,680
Don't ever do that shit again.

1170
01:29:21,140 --> 01:29:24,540
But in all seriousness, bro. No, real
shit. Bro, this is the serious part. I'm

1171
01:29:24,540 --> 01:29:25,478
so serious.

1172
01:29:25,480 --> 01:29:29,400
I really, truly love you. You are a
fucking little icon.

1173
01:29:30,380 --> 01:29:32,620
And, like...

1174
01:29:33,410 --> 01:29:37,350
No, I really do. Like, you're a fucking
legend, and I mean that from the bottom

1175
01:29:37,350 --> 01:29:41,150
of my heart, which thankfully for you is
still above your head.

1176
01:29:43,250 --> 01:29:44,029
I'm sorry.

1177
01:29:44,030 --> 01:29:45,090
I just said you were done.

1178
01:29:45,450 --> 01:29:47,390
I said you were done. Be fucking sweet.

1179
01:29:47,810 --> 01:29:48,810
Come on.

1180
01:29:48,970 --> 01:29:53,210
Be nice to me. Get up. Okay. Come on.
Fucking we're friends. We're real

1181
01:29:53,210 --> 01:29:55,990
friends. Be my fucking friend. My
feelings is hurt.

1182
01:29:56,370 --> 01:29:57,370
My letter is over.

1183
01:29:57,810 --> 01:29:58,810
Okay.

1184
01:29:59,150 --> 01:30:00,150
Sincerely yours, T.

1185
01:30:00,310 --> 01:30:01,310
Y'all know, Tiana.

1186
01:30:01,710 --> 01:30:03,590
No, Tiana, don't storm off.

1187
01:30:04,310 --> 01:30:05,770
Tiana, don't storm off.

1188
01:30:07,290 --> 01:30:08,290
Fuck.

1189
01:30:11,310 --> 01:30:15,130
Make some people do some love. Hey, keep
it going for Tiana, everybody.

1190
01:30:16,490 --> 01:30:17,790
Thank you, sir. Man.

1191
01:30:19,490 --> 01:30:22,850
Thank God she's good looking because,
boy, is that bitch not funny at all.

1192
01:30:25,770 --> 01:30:26,810
Also, Pete.

1193
01:30:27,090 --> 01:30:28,090
Pete.

1194
01:30:31,310 --> 01:30:32,450
the only one that can do it. Do it,
brother.

1195
01:30:34,610 --> 01:30:35,610
Holy shit.

1196
01:30:36,570 --> 01:30:38,290
Just don't let her read a letter again,
ever.

1197
01:30:41,230 --> 01:30:47,470
Hopefully she gets mad at me and talks
to me later.

1198
01:30:51,110 --> 01:30:52,410
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

1199
01:30:52,910 --> 01:30:53,910
Yes.

1200
01:30:56,710 --> 01:30:59,650
Tony reminds me of a prince who studies
gladiators.

1201
01:31:01,040 --> 01:31:02,160
Look at the physique.

1202
01:31:02,560 --> 01:31:03,560
Fuck yeah.

1203
01:31:04,480 --> 01:31:07,220
I'm so fucking entertained right now.
Fuck yeah.

1204
01:31:09,220 --> 01:31:10,940
I thought it was funny, dude.

1205
01:31:11,420 --> 01:31:12,420
All right.

1206
01:31:12,620 --> 01:31:17,100
Get ready to hear some real racist jokes
from a guy who truly believes them and

1207
01:31:17,100 --> 01:31:18,540
hopes J.D. Vance is watching.

1208
01:31:19,840 --> 01:31:22,680
Guys, Tony Hitchcliffe. Make some noise
for Tony.

1209
01:31:31,880 --> 01:31:34,340
For Tiana Taylor, everybody. That was
amazing.

1210
01:31:34,740 --> 01:31:38,860
This roast is so ghetto. I thought I
heard a fire alarm chirp at one point

1211
01:31:38,860 --> 01:31:39,860
during her set.

1212
01:31:40,800 --> 01:31:44,120
Are you still watching? One more time
for Shane Gillis.

1213
01:31:44,680 --> 01:31:48,380
He looks like the type of slave owner
that you can trick into buying Kevin

1214
01:31:48,380 --> 01:31:49,380
Hart.

1215
01:31:50,360 --> 01:31:52,440
So he'll get bigger, right?

1216
01:31:53,920 --> 01:31:59,000
If Kevin was a slave, his song would be,
let my people grow.

1217
01:32:00,910 --> 01:32:05,150
This is a big roast. Kevin Hart is
trying to fill Tom Brady's shoes. A lot

1218
01:32:05,150 --> 01:32:06,150
of extra space.

1219
01:32:06,950 --> 01:32:10,590
That's like Pete Davidson's dick trying
to fill Kim Kardashian's vagina.

1220
01:32:12,250 --> 01:32:16,030
Indeed, the closest Pete has come to
greatness is when his dick rubbed up

1221
01:32:16,030 --> 01:32:17,730
against some of Kanye's old cum.

1222
01:32:19,490 --> 01:32:23,570
Nobody can name a joke or a sketch
you've ever done, Pete. If your father

1223
01:32:23,570 --> 01:32:26,250
could see how you turned out, he'd be
rolling in his rubble.

1224
01:32:28,120 --> 01:32:32,120
Regina Hall is here. She was in a hit
movie, One Battle After Another, which

1225
01:32:32,120 --> 01:32:33,840
is how Lizzo describes stairs.

1226
01:32:35,660 --> 01:32:36,660
Yeah.

1227
01:32:46,160 --> 01:32:51,440
We knew Chelsea Handler would be
available today because it's Mother's

1228
01:32:51,440 --> 01:32:52,440
Day.

1229
01:32:53,820 --> 01:32:56,720
Chelsea is a Jew. That's why she's here.

1230
01:32:57,390 --> 01:32:59,290
That's also the best thing about her.

1231
01:32:59,810 --> 01:33:04,030
She once dated 50 Cent, not the first
time a Jew bent over for 50 Cent.

1232
01:33:06,350 --> 01:33:07,990
Chelsea, why so serious?

1233
01:33:10,370 --> 01:33:12,270
She looks like a fucking joker, people.

1234
01:33:12,590 --> 01:33:15,210
She's aging like a vegetable in Lizzo's
fridge.

1235
01:33:16,990 --> 01:33:21,630
And she fucking sucks, and always has,
by the way. Her whole act is just

1236
01:33:21,630 --> 01:33:23,350
talking about how it's stupid-ass kids.

1237
01:33:23,570 --> 01:33:25,670
We get it, your ovaries are busted.

1238
01:33:26,440 --> 01:33:29,740
That's like if Kevin's whole act was
about how roller coasters aren't that

1239
01:33:29,740 --> 01:33:30,740
cool anyway.

1240
01:33:33,660 --> 01:33:38,100
But seriously, Chelsea actually had her
eggs frozen, not on purpose. They're

1241
01:33:38,100 --> 01:33:40,240
just inside of a cold, frigid bitch.

1242
01:33:42,700 --> 01:33:46,060
Yeah. I call her Sterile Underwood.

1243
01:33:48,800 --> 01:33:51,920
Cheryl Underwood. More like Under a
Rock. Who even is this bitch?

1244
01:33:52,380 --> 01:33:55,440
You look like a grape Laffy Taffy that
went through the dryer.

1245
01:33:56,520 --> 01:34:00,300
How have you been sitting next to me and
playing drums the whole night?

1246
01:34:02,160 --> 01:34:03,180
That hair.

1247
01:34:04,500 --> 01:34:05,500
The purple.

1248
01:34:05,780 --> 01:34:07,840
You look like your own pussy.

1249
01:34:09,380 --> 01:34:13,720
She was on a show called The Talk for 13
years. If you never saw it, here's what

1250
01:34:13,720 --> 01:34:14,499
you missed.

1251
01:34:14,500 --> 01:34:15,600
No, no, no.

1252
01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:17,900
Hold up. Let me. No, no.

1253
01:34:18,360 --> 01:34:20,140
No, no. Let me talk.

1254
01:34:20,600 --> 01:34:23,880
Her husband committed suicide three
years into their marriage. I've been

1255
01:34:23,880 --> 01:34:27,440
sitting next to her for two hours and I
have to ask. How did he last that long?

1256
01:34:30,660 --> 01:34:35,600
Draymond Green is a naughty guy. He has
paid $4 million in fines.

1257
01:34:35,860 --> 01:34:39,580
Did you name your daughter Cash because
you plan on losing her anyway?

1258
01:34:42,200 --> 01:34:43,520
Cash, amazing.

1259
01:34:44,040 --> 01:34:47,500
She won't even have to change her name
when she gets hired at the strip club.

1260
01:34:50,740 --> 01:34:53,940
Jeff Ross is here looking like the ghost
of strawberry cheesecake.

1261
01:35:02,510 --> 01:35:07,570
Jeff Ross beat cancer this year. My good
friend beat cancer.

1262
01:35:08,090 --> 01:35:10,350
But you know cancer is out there.

1263
01:35:10,630 --> 01:35:13,710
Cancer's out there somewhere talking to
its friends like, you gotta see the

1264
01:35:13,710 --> 01:35:14,710
other guy.

1265
01:35:16,050 --> 01:35:20,450
Jeff is so Jewish that when the hospital
gave him his bill, he's like, uh, can

1266
01:35:20,450 --> 01:35:21,810
you put some of the cancer back in?

1267
01:35:24,770 --> 01:35:29,030
Kevin Hart, ladies and gentlemen. He was
born nine months after his father spit a

1268
01:35:29,030 --> 01:35:30,850
watermelon seed into his mother's
vagina.

1269
01:35:35,630 --> 01:35:36,630
I did that.

1270
01:35:38,850 --> 01:35:43,430
And then he was born. Nine pounds, seven
ounces, and he remains the same today.

1271
01:35:45,110 --> 01:35:48,670
Kevin is so small, people call him the
lowercase n-word.

1272
01:35:51,130 --> 01:35:54,250
He was raised by a single mother and a
stepladder.

1273
01:35:55,930 --> 01:35:59,830
Because of Kevin's awful childhood and
feelings of inadequacy, he became a

1274
01:35:59,830 --> 01:36:03,630
workaholic to distract himself from the
grief of who he is on the inside. And to

1275
01:36:03,630 --> 01:36:06,600
make matters worse, his inner child, is
taller than him.

1276
01:36:08,420 --> 01:36:09,420
But look at him now.

1277
01:36:09,660 --> 01:36:12,480
Oh, you're not wearing a chain. I was
going to say nice chain, Kevin. It would

1278
01:36:12,480 --> 01:36:14,520
make a great bracelet for a normal-sized
black man.

1279
01:36:14,840 --> 01:36:18,000
But you didn't wear the normal chain
that you wear to overcompensate for how

1280
01:36:18,000 --> 01:36:19,000
small you are.

1281
01:36:19,240 --> 01:36:22,680
Kevin has so few black friends that he
started a vegan fast food chain and

1282
01:36:22,680 --> 01:36:23,680
nobody stopped him.

1283
01:36:27,280 --> 01:36:31,740
His vegan restaurant is like his movies
because you don't have to go to know it

1284
01:36:31,740 --> 01:36:32,740
fucking sucks.

1285
01:36:34,160 --> 01:36:38,320
Kevin, in a town full of successful
pedophiles, it's great to know that you

1286
01:36:38,320 --> 01:36:42,640
are not one. But in fairness, if you
ever tried, any fuckable 10-year-old

1287
01:36:42,640 --> 01:36:44,440
would beat the living shit out of you.

1288
01:36:45,900 --> 01:36:50,020
His audience is so ghetto that his merch
table has more gunfire than Charlie

1289
01:36:50,020 --> 01:36:54,820
Kirk's. Kevin, if you're here, who's
holding P. Diddy's pocket in jail?

1290
01:36:55,400 --> 01:36:59,000
Kevin has been so far up the rock's ass
that he can actually smell what he's

1291
01:36:59,000 --> 01:37:00,000
been cooking.

1292
01:37:02,020 --> 01:37:03,020
Kevin.

1293
01:37:03,800 --> 01:37:07,100
The Rock played Black Adam. Kevin is the
size of a black atom.

1294
01:37:07,460 --> 01:37:11,360
He's won two Grammys. At least that's
what the scale says when he stands on

1295
01:37:11,360 --> 01:37:12,360
it.

1296
01:37:12,500 --> 01:37:17,460
Two Grammys. Lizzo has ate everything
that's ever been put in front of her.

1297
01:37:20,540 --> 01:37:25,360
But Lizzo, you look great. You really
do. People describing you no longer have

1298
01:37:25,360 --> 01:37:27,840
to say the word really before saying the
word fat.

1299
01:37:29,460 --> 01:37:32,460
She loves gluten as much as she loves
gluten.

1300
01:37:34,670 --> 01:37:38,350
You know, Kevin, they told me not to
mention your kids on this roast, but I

1301
01:37:38,350 --> 01:37:40,070
must say, you did good.

1302
01:37:40,630 --> 01:37:43,650
They've gotten so big, they now buckle
Kevin up in the car seat.

1303
01:37:45,230 --> 01:37:48,570
It's true, he lost his gig hosting the
Academy Awards because of some

1304
01:37:48,570 --> 01:37:51,610
homophobic tweets, but you'd be
homophobic too if you were eye-level

1305
01:37:51,610 --> 01:37:52,610
with everyone's cock.

1306
01:37:54,390 --> 01:37:58,590
He got into a fist fight on a private
plane, proof that no matter how much

1307
01:37:58,590 --> 01:38:03,110
money black people have, they're still
just going to act like ninjas.

1308
01:38:04,270 --> 01:38:05,270
is fighting.

1309
01:38:07,150 --> 01:38:10,630
Like Bill Cosby, Hart is a black
comedian from Philadelphia, and like

1310
01:38:10,630 --> 01:38:13,450
Bill Cosby, women don't know when Kevin
is inside of them.

1311
01:38:14,530 --> 01:38:18,170
You've done good, though, Kevin. The
black community is so proud of you right

1312
01:38:18,170 --> 01:38:22,410
now. George Floyd is looking up at us
all, laughing so hard that he can't

1313
01:38:22,410 --> 01:38:23,410
breathe.

1314
01:38:25,210 --> 01:38:26,650
God bless you, Kevin.

1315
01:38:27,330 --> 01:38:32,270
God bless this room, and God bless the
United States of America. Thank you so

1316
01:38:32,270 --> 01:38:33,270
much.

1317
01:38:43,560 --> 01:38:44,700
Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1318
01:38:48,760 --> 01:38:49,760
Hey.

1319
01:38:50,620 --> 01:38:53,880
A lot of people wanted him to fail, and
he just fucking killed. Tony

1320
01:38:53,880 --> 01:38:54,880
Hinchcliffe, everybody.

1321
01:39:00,620 --> 01:39:01,980
Cheryl Underwood is here.

1322
01:39:02,460 --> 01:39:03,520
Yeah, Cheryl.

1323
01:39:04,900 --> 01:39:09,600
Cheryl got a standing ovation once on
Def Jam. Now she's deaf, eats jam, and

1324
01:39:09,600 --> 01:39:10,600
has trouble standing.

1325
01:39:12,880 --> 01:39:15,260
Cheryl was in the Air Force, but she
couldn't fly.

1326
01:39:17,020 --> 01:39:20,560
And neither could her husband, who
jumped off a

1327
01:39:20,560 --> 01:39:25,380
building and he died from that.

1328
01:39:27,380 --> 01:39:31,180
I swear to God I called her before this
to ask if that was okay. I would have

1329
01:39:31,180 --> 01:39:32,180
never done that.

1330
01:39:32,820 --> 01:39:35,800
But now she's a Christian comic, so this
should fucking suck.

1331
01:39:37,180 --> 01:39:40,160
No, she's the best. Make some noise.
Cheryl Underwood, everybody.

1332
01:39:53,290 --> 01:39:59,990
First of all, Tony, you think you hurt
my feelings by talking about my dead

1333
01:39:59,990 --> 01:40:03,130
husband? My husband only died once.

1334
01:40:03,350 --> 01:40:06,430
You die every night with them whack-ass
jokes you be telling.

1335
01:40:09,370 --> 01:40:14,130
I love the fact that you white boy
comics want to say all the words that

1336
01:40:14,130 --> 01:40:16,010
black comics get canceled for saying.

1337
01:40:16,480 --> 01:40:19,780
And I'm glad that y'all brought back
words like midget and retard.

1338
01:40:20,080 --> 01:40:23,020
No, Kevin, I'm not talking about you
when I say midget.

1339
01:40:24,040 --> 01:40:27,660
But yes, Shane, I'm talking about you
when I say retard.

1340
01:40:32,840 --> 01:40:38,100
Now, I know it's some shit in that
motherfucking teleprompter, but I'm glad

1341
01:40:38,100 --> 01:40:40,820
that Shane, your motherfucking ass,
stopped that wigger.

1342
01:40:41,520 --> 01:40:45,140
Because had you said anything that
sounded bigger, trigger,

1343
01:40:47,020 --> 01:40:50,120
nigga, you wouldn't have made it out of
motherfucking Englewood alive.

1344
01:41:29,450 --> 01:41:30,450
each other.

1345
01:41:30,670 --> 01:41:33,570
And hold on, hold on. I got to say this.

1346
01:41:34,350 --> 01:41:39,130
My ex-foo, John Stamos, is in the house.

1347
01:41:39,670 --> 01:41:41,970
And yeah, y'all brought up when I was on
the talk.

1348
01:41:45,990 --> 01:41:51,370
And when I was on the talk, I got to
tongue kiss John Stamos.

1349
01:42:01,809 --> 01:42:04,210
I can't say what he said after that.

1350
01:42:05,090 --> 01:42:08,170
All I can say, he married a young bitch
and took her to Disneyland.

1351
01:42:15,090 --> 01:42:19,290
Shane, you may talk some shit about me,
but I know your kind.

1352
01:42:19,750 --> 01:42:23,970
You want to hit this black pussy harder
than you hit the windows of the Capitol

1353
01:42:23,970 --> 01:42:25,410
on January 6th.

1354
01:42:32,680 --> 01:42:34,260
You know who the fuck you talking to?

1355
01:42:38,200 --> 01:42:40,680
I know you want to fuck me.

1356
01:42:42,360 --> 01:42:44,420
Because you're tired of fucking your
sister.

1357
01:42:46,540 --> 01:42:48,560
So you want to fuck a real sister.

1358
01:42:51,660 --> 01:42:56,920
All this black pussy in here saying
they're getting harder and harder.

1359
01:42:58,340 --> 01:43:00,780
I bet you fight me to fuck Lizzo.

1360
01:43:02,860 --> 01:43:03,860
And lose.

1361
01:43:05,440 --> 01:43:08,660
But none of us are going to fuck your
pasty white boy ass.

1362
01:43:10,060 --> 01:43:11,880
Well, maybe, maybe I will.

1363
01:43:13,780 --> 01:43:17,460
I'm on a tour called I Need a Job Tour,
so come on, motherfucker, let's go.

1364
01:43:18,980 --> 01:43:19,980
Big J.

1365
01:43:20,280 --> 01:43:24,100
Now, you cute. Big J, listen to me. You
sexy. You get that pussy.

1366
01:43:25,900 --> 01:43:27,580
Over there looking like Godfiery.

1367
01:43:31,600 --> 01:43:34,940
You know we like diners, drive-ins, and
dicks, so let's go, motherfucker.

1368
01:43:36,100 --> 01:43:39,020
You're not just a snack, you're a whole
Thanksgiving dinner.

1369
01:43:40,500 --> 01:43:42,860
Got that big football player body.

1370
01:43:43,380 --> 01:43:45,120
And I know football players.

1371
01:43:45,380 --> 01:43:47,600
I fucked all the Philadelphia Eagles.

1372
01:43:49,060 --> 01:43:53,340
The offensive line, the defensive line,
the offensive coordinator, defensive

1373
01:43:53,340 --> 01:43:57,620
coordinator, coaching staff, team
doctor, the dude selling the hot dogs,

1374
01:43:57,880 --> 01:44:01,150
the motherfucker. that wrote fly eagle
fly.

1375
01:44:02,310 --> 01:44:03,370
I fucked him too.

1376
01:44:04,750 --> 01:44:06,170
That was one hell of a party.

1377
01:44:09,590 --> 01:44:11,370
So Draymond, I heard you's a bully.

1378
01:44:17,490 --> 01:44:20,190
Well, come on over here and beat this
pussy up then. Come on, let's go.

1379
01:44:22,910 --> 01:44:24,410
Keep rolling your teleprompter.

1380
01:44:25,870 --> 01:44:28,530
I would fuck you, Draymond, but I'm
afraid of heights.

1381
01:44:29,190 --> 01:44:33,130
I'm only 5'2". But I'm still 2 inches
taller than Kevin Hart.

1382
01:44:34,090 --> 01:44:36,630
You mighty mouse motherfucker. They
wrote that. They wrote that. The white

1383
01:44:36,630 --> 01:44:39,510
people wrote it. The white people. The
white people. I didn't... I'm just

1384
01:44:39,510 --> 01:44:41,250
saying it to get this check,
motherfucker. Goddamn.

1385
01:44:42,930 --> 01:44:43,930
P. Davison.

1386
01:44:44,290 --> 01:44:47,970
I just want to know, what is in your
dick that's driving these bitches crazy?

1387
01:44:50,170 --> 01:44:53,370
And whatever it is, can you put it in
Chelsea Handler so she can stop fucking

1388
01:44:53,370 --> 01:44:54,370
black men?

1389
01:44:55,750 --> 01:44:58,310
I'm sorry, Chelsea. I had to say that
one. They paid me. They paid me.

1390
01:44:59,240 --> 01:45:03,580
Question for the day is, who has had
more black dick in this town?

1391
01:45:03,880 --> 01:45:06,040
Me or Chelsea Handler?

1392
01:45:08,740 --> 01:45:11,760
The answer is Tony Hitchcliff.

1393
01:45:27,660 --> 01:45:32,400
it for the chat Ted told me Ted at the
luncheon said bitch say this shit or

1394
01:45:32,400 --> 01:45:38,000
you're not getting paid I gotta do what
Ted said I gotta do what I gotta say

1395
01:45:38,000 --> 01:45:43,740
okay I wasn't gonna say this shit but
Kevin and I hooked up once before he got

1396
01:45:43,740 --> 01:45:50,120
married before he got married he got
stuck in my pussy I tied a rope around

1397
01:45:50,120 --> 01:45:54,940
his neck and pulled him out like a
tampon hold on that's not in the

1398
01:45:54,940 --> 01:45:55,940
prompter I'm sorry

1399
01:46:01,580 --> 01:46:02,580
It's packing.

1400
01:46:03,000 --> 01:46:04,300
Kevin Hart is packing.

1401
01:46:04,560 --> 01:46:06,680
He's packing 10 inches in his pants.

1402
01:46:07,240 --> 01:46:09,560
There is legs, but it's still 10 inches.

1403
01:46:16,380 --> 01:46:19,080
Fucking Kevin was a lot like watching
his movies.

1404
01:46:19,460 --> 01:46:21,300
The first five minutes are okay.

1405
01:46:23,900 --> 01:46:25,780
Then you're just waiting for it to be
over.

1406
01:46:28,120 --> 01:46:30,480
I don't know. He broke.

1407
01:46:36,300 --> 01:46:41,100
right here you gotta say it you think
he's loud in his movies when we were

1408
01:46:41,100 --> 01:46:48,060
fucking he was hollering and screaming
shaking i said will

1409
01:46:48,060 --> 01:46:52,760
you shut the fuck up before somebody
think i'm watching one of your movies

1410
01:47:13,770 --> 01:47:15,590
So I want to say this with all the love.

1411
01:47:16,550 --> 01:47:19,050
You have done what we asked you to do in
the culture.

1412
01:47:19,570 --> 01:47:20,890
You've represented us well.

1413
01:47:21,490 --> 01:47:23,890
You've been a great businessman and a
great performer.

1414
01:47:24,310 --> 01:47:28,590
Today we are proud to stand here to
roast because we only roast who we love.

1415
01:47:28,990 --> 01:47:30,990
And we truly love you. Good night.

1416
01:47:55,310 --> 01:47:56,330
Can I still get that pussy though?

1417
01:48:02,590 --> 01:48:04,050
Keep it going for Bernice Mack.

1418
01:48:08,070 --> 01:48:09,410
Saw that one. Let's go.

1419
01:48:11,990 --> 01:48:16,450
But yeah, that was honestly, that was
incredible.

1420
01:48:16,870 --> 01:48:20,910
Now, yeah, feels good now. Now, earlier
I was like, this is not as good as the

1421
01:48:20,910 --> 01:48:22,390
Tom Brady roast. Now it feels pretty
good.

1422
01:48:25,020 --> 01:48:26,980
Regina Hall is here, everybody. Make
some noise.

1423
01:48:31,840 --> 01:48:36,600
They added her last minute, so I don't
really have anything for her, but here's

1424
01:48:36,600 --> 01:48:37,860
a joke we couldn't do for Cheryl.

1425
01:48:38,060 --> 01:48:39,920
It's something about Aunt Jemima.

1426
01:48:40,160 --> 01:48:41,340
I don't know. It got cut.

1427
01:48:41,940 --> 01:48:43,560
It was clever. You would have loved it.

1428
01:48:44,640 --> 01:48:46,800
Give it up for Regina Hall, everybody.
Make some noise.

1429
01:49:08,230 --> 01:49:09,750
Wow. Thank

1430
01:49:09,750 --> 01:49:17,150
you,

1431
01:49:17,190 --> 01:49:18,190
Kevin.

1432
01:49:19,170 --> 01:49:21,350
It's very nice to be here.

1433
01:49:22,120 --> 01:49:26,180
been tough, you know, I mean, having to
sit here and watch you and you haven't

1434
01:49:26,180 --> 01:49:27,180
been able to talk back.

1435
01:49:28,340 --> 01:49:32,780
Anyone who knows me knows I've known
Kevin for 20 years. I've been to all of

1436
01:49:32,780 --> 01:49:33,780
his shows.

1437
01:49:34,080 --> 01:49:36,740
I've seen, well, not all of them. I've
seen his movies.

1438
01:49:37,140 --> 01:49:39,840
And despite that, I am still here
tonight.

1439
01:49:42,420 --> 01:49:47,300
No, seriously, Kevin, I've been
listening to all of these people and I

1440
01:49:47,300 --> 01:49:49,620
don't think you deserved any of those
insults.

1441
01:49:51,210 --> 01:49:53,230
I'm here actually as a true friend.

1442
01:49:54,630 --> 01:50:00,510
So I thought I would share something,
this is honest, sacred, that only you

1443
01:50:00,510 --> 01:50:01,510
and I know, Kevin.

1444
01:50:01,730 --> 01:50:07,330
Now, Kevin and I go, we go back, as I
said, and there's one special thing that

1445
01:50:07,330 --> 01:50:08,750
only Kevin and I know about.

1446
01:50:10,050 --> 01:50:15,950
Kevin's mom, Miss Nancy, God rest her
soul, she communicates with me

1447
01:50:15,950 --> 01:50:16,950
sometimes.

1448
01:50:18,030 --> 01:50:20,610
No, this is actually the truth.

1449
01:50:25,690 --> 01:50:32,350
Many, many, many, many years ago, do you
remember when I

1450
01:50:32,350 --> 01:50:35,710
called and I told you that she said,
don't go to Vegas?

1451
01:50:40,090 --> 01:50:46,850
She said, Kevin, don't go in there and
accidentally fuck that girl. She said,

1452
01:50:48,490 --> 01:50:55,230
She said, no, she said, Kevin, go to
1515, but I wrote it down wrong.

1453
01:50:55,370 --> 01:50:57,870
Do you remember? Because I had been
drinking that night.

1454
01:50:58,190 --> 01:51:02,190
She knew there was a camera in that
room, Kevin, and she tried.

1455
01:51:03,450 --> 01:51:06,490
So I want to say I'm sorry, Kevin,
because that was on me.

1456
01:51:07,390 --> 01:51:12,970
That was my bad. But tonight, Kevin, I
got it. I'm not going to mess up.

1457
01:51:13,790 --> 01:51:14,790
I'm sober.

1458
01:51:16,460 --> 01:51:22,040
Okay, so I wrote down some other things
that your mother, that she's expressed,

1459
01:51:22,140 --> 01:51:23,540
and I'd like to read them tonight.

1460
01:51:24,420 --> 01:51:25,660
These I got right.

1461
01:51:27,020 --> 01:51:31,120
Kevin, I love you, and I'm so proud of
you.

1462
01:51:31,920 --> 01:51:36,200
You won best picture of the year. Oh,
wait, no, no, that's for me. Because

1463
01:51:36,200 --> 01:51:40,040
you didn't win,

1464
01:51:40,960 --> 01:51:42,380
Kevin, but thank you, Miss Nancy.

1465
01:51:42,760 --> 01:51:44,660
Now, here we go. Here we go for real.

1466
01:51:45,210 --> 01:51:49,030
Kevin. All right. She misses your
movies.

1467
01:51:49,430 --> 01:51:53,050
She says they don't go up there in
heaven because it's heaven.

1468
01:51:55,870 --> 01:52:01,210
Oh, oh, but she said your dad is
enjoying them all down where he is.

1469
01:52:02,790 --> 01:52:04,310
That was very sweet.

1470
01:52:05,470 --> 01:52:09,270
She says she regrets not being there for
you when your father passed.

1471
01:52:09,830 --> 01:52:13,570
Oh, so she could watch that motherfucker
die.

1472
01:52:13,890 --> 01:52:14,890
Okay.

1473
01:52:16,360 --> 01:52:18,280
Tell Kevin that's a quote.

1474
01:52:18,760 --> 01:52:19,760
Okay.

1475
01:52:20,220 --> 01:52:25,000
She says that she's sorry that she
always treated your brother better.

1476
01:52:25,440 --> 01:52:28,620
But that's only because she loved him
more.

1477
01:52:30,860 --> 01:52:33,080
That's enough, Regina. Oh, wait, wait.

1478
01:52:34,080 --> 01:52:36,860
And now she's saying I told you not to
do that.

1479
01:52:37,180 --> 01:52:42,120
Oh, no, that's about your failed vegan
fast food chain. Okay.

1480
01:52:42,880 --> 01:52:49,380
No. She just said, uh, nigga, you grew
up on Philly cheesesteaks. Why you ain't

1481
01:52:49,380 --> 01:52:51,960
start a chain of that shit? I'm sorry,
Kevin.

1482
01:52:53,240 --> 01:52:57,740
No, no, wait. Hold on, hold on. More
stuff is coming through. It's like I'm

1483
01:52:57,740 --> 01:52:59,520
Otome Brown out here. Hold on.

1484
01:53:01,220 --> 01:53:02,220
Pete!

1485
01:53:04,780 --> 01:53:11,200
No, this is Pete. I'm only here with
love tonight. No one has to worry.

1486
01:53:11,700 --> 01:53:13,580
She says that your dad...

1487
01:53:14,440 --> 01:53:17,700
He misses you, and he sees your success.

1488
01:53:18,460 --> 01:53:25,160
He wants to know what it was like to
fuck Kate Beckinsale, Emily Ratatouille,

1489
01:53:25,360 --> 01:53:29,900
Ariana Grande. I can't name them all.
Ariana Grande.

1490
01:53:31,560 --> 01:53:33,140
We'll get to it later, Pete.

1491
01:53:34,180 --> 01:53:39,220
He also says you inherited your dick
size from him, and you're welcome.

1492
01:53:42,060 --> 01:53:46,960
She says, tell Big Jay I'll see him in
about three weeks.

1493
01:53:47,220 --> 01:53:48,220
Oh, shit.

1494
01:53:49,040 --> 01:53:50,100
Oh, shit.

1495
01:53:51,920 --> 01:53:54,000
Regina, that's enough. Sorry.

1496
01:53:55,360 --> 01:54:02,040
She says, oh, Chelsea, your kids are all
up there and they want to say thank

1497
01:54:02,040 --> 01:54:03,780
you.

1498
01:54:05,120 --> 01:54:06,840
You made the right decision.

1499
01:54:13,520 --> 01:54:17,340
She also said, I told you Tiana might
bomb.

1500
01:54:18,080 --> 01:54:23,680
I'm sorry.

1501
01:54:25,280 --> 01:54:27,620
I'm just downloading, guys.

1502
01:54:29,020 --> 01:54:34,280
Last thing, finally, Miss Nancy says,
thank you all for being here to

1503
01:54:34,280 --> 01:54:35,280
celebrate my son.

1504
01:54:35,560 --> 01:54:37,440
I love you, Kevin Hart.

1505
01:54:45,930 --> 01:54:46,930
big night.

1506
01:54:46,990 --> 01:54:53,910
And now, oh, I have to get back to
Michael Clark Duncan, who's been a

1507
01:54:53,910 --> 01:54:57,630
deep green mile in this pussy for the
past three months.

1508
01:54:58,090 --> 01:54:59,090
Regina!

1509
01:54:59,570 --> 01:55:00,570
Regina!

1510
01:55:01,730 --> 01:55:03,150
What the fuck is that?

1511
01:55:04,390 --> 01:55:05,650
It's Mother's Day.

1512
01:55:06,530 --> 01:55:07,530
Sorry.

1513
01:55:09,150 --> 01:55:11,730
She said they run trains in heaven.

1514
01:55:29,580 --> 01:55:30,398
What the fuck?

1515
01:55:30,400 --> 01:55:31,400
Regina,

1516
01:55:31,600 --> 01:55:33,980
look at me. I'm sorry. I didn't say it.

1517
01:55:34,500 --> 01:55:37,500
There's hope for us in the afterlife,
ladies. They're fucking up there.

1518
01:55:37,720 --> 01:55:38,720
All right.

1519
01:55:40,320 --> 01:55:46,260
In closing, I just want to share a
heartfelt memory that I have.

1520
01:55:46,560 --> 01:55:48,120
And Kevin, I want you to hear this.

1521
01:55:49,220 --> 01:55:54,200
I was doing a movie and I walked on set,
everyone, not knowing what I was in for.

1522
01:55:54,720 --> 01:55:56,480
The director told me that.

1523
01:55:56,760 --> 01:56:00,860
I needed to do an improv scene with the
funniest motherfucker that he had ever

1524
01:56:00,860 --> 01:56:03,720
worked with. He called action and it was
magic.

1525
01:56:04,040 --> 01:56:07,220
I was in awe watching this man work.

1526
01:56:08,820 --> 01:56:11,500
So quick, so funny.

1527
01:56:12,120 --> 01:56:16,200
His large stature was beyond his
physical height.

1528
01:56:20,120 --> 01:56:25,560
I will never forget how it felt
performing with him. He was so great.

1529
01:56:26,280 --> 01:56:27,760
And he still is.

1530
01:56:30,060 --> 01:56:33,100
I'm the last person they want in this
motherfucker.

1531
01:56:36,100 --> 01:56:38,180
Yes. Yes, Kevin.

1532
01:56:38,980 --> 01:56:41,200
My special gift to you.

1533
01:56:43,380 --> 01:56:47,380
It's the other capital motherfucking K.

1534
01:56:47,840 --> 01:56:50,140
Everyone. Cash Williams.

1535
01:57:26,059 --> 01:57:28,540
Thank you so much. I appreciate you.

1536
01:57:33,680 --> 01:57:34,680
Hello, Kevin.

1537
01:57:36,800 --> 01:57:37,800
Hello, Kat.

1538
01:57:39,100 --> 01:57:41,340
I'm surprised they invited me.

1539
01:57:43,900 --> 01:57:48,560
That's how little star power you have.
They had to start inviting your enemies.

1540
01:57:50,180 --> 01:57:52,820
I said, I hate him. They said, come
anyway.

1541
01:57:56,080 --> 01:58:00,260
Very humble of me to be at your goat
roast tonight, Kevin.

1542
01:58:01,180 --> 01:58:06,800
I've won an Emmy Award, but this is
going to be my best acting tonight as I

1543
01:58:06,800 --> 01:58:08,340
pretend like you are a goat.

1544
01:58:10,340 --> 01:58:14,420
For the people at home, you're
wondering, why is the cat man doing

1545
01:58:14,420 --> 01:58:15,420
this?

1546
01:58:16,000 --> 01:58:17,080
For the money, bitch.

1547
01:58:18,600 --> 01:58:20,980
This is my Riyadh Comedy Festival.

1548
01:58:23,200 --> 01:58:24,560
Only one with a soul.

1549
01:58:27,160 --> 01:58:30,420
Kevin, you're going to hear some things
tonight that you're not familiar with.

1550
01:58:31,210 --> 01:58:32,990
Those things are called punchlines.

1551
01:58:37,050 --> 01:58:42,270
Is this dance the best that the industry
could put together for dear old kids?

1552
01:58:44,090 --> 01:58:48,510
I'm not sure if the Illuminati is real
or if this is a junior varsity version,

1553
01:58:48,770 --> 01:58:55,590
but... For those

1554
01:58:55,590 --> 01:58:59,970
of you just joining us, Kevin and I had
beef.

1555
01:59:00,970 --> 01:59:02,170
And I'll tell you why.

1556
01:59:03,370 --> 01:59:06,890
Because privately, this motherfucker
stole everything from me.

1557
01:59:07,610 --> 01:59:11,310
Before he saw my act, he was a 6'3 white
man.

1558
01:59:20,290 --> 01:59:23,590
I tried to tell y'all that Kevin Hart
was a plant.

1559
01:59:25,950 --> 01:59:29,530
Because I keep burying him, he keeps
springing back the fuck up.

1560
01:59:30,540 --> 01:59:31,620
Just like a plant.

1561
01:59:33,820 --> 01:59:37,000
Yes, I said some things I'd like to take
back.

1562
01:59:38,180 --> 01:59:42,240
Some things I said were misunderstood. I
did say that Kevin was a Hollywood

1563
01:59:42,240 --> 01:59:43,240
puppet.

1564
01:59:43,480 --> 01:59:45,360
And I want to explain that.

1565
01:59:46,620 --> 01:59:51,540
Because it might not be what you think.
I meant that the head of Netflix

1566
01:59:51,540 --> 01:59:57,840
literally has his whole hand up Kevin's
ass and can make him do anything.

1567
02:00:03,020 --> 02:00:05,220
Kevin only has one rule in his movies.

1568
02:00:06,160 --> 02:00:07,300
No N-word.

1569
02:00:08,520 --> 02:00:10,240
And that N-word is no.

1570
02:00:12,120 --> 02:00:14,360
Never fucking said it. Never, ever.

1571
02:00:15,520 --> 02:00:17,300
Scary movie three right along.

1572
02:00:17,860 --> 02:00:18,860
Night school.

1573
02:00:20,060 --> 02:00:21,060
Get hard.

1574
02:00:21,160 --> 02:00:22,880
I turned down all of them.

1575
02:00:23,460 --> 02:00:25,980
Because I was not comfortable being a
coon.

1576
02:00:30,270 --> 02:00:32,650
Went right behind me for the same price.

1577
02:00:35,350 --> 02:00:38,850
If you're going to see a Kevin Hart
movie, do yourself a favor, see it in a

1578
02:00:38,850 --> 02:00:42,650
black theater so you can hear words
like, I want my motherfucking money

1579
02:00:42,650 --> 02:00:43,650
back.

1580
02:00:44,030 --> 02:00:45,670
And I want my money back too.

1581
02:00:46,990 --> 02:00:49,230
Or this is some bullshit, I want my
money back.

1582
02:00:52,750 --> 02:00:54,910
Even The Rock can't save your ass.

1583
02:00:56,990 --> 02:00:59,650
Kevin and The Rock have what you call a
bromance.

1584
02:01:00,590 --> 02:01:04,350
That's when two actors secretly fuck the
shit out of each other.

1585
02:01:10,110 --> 02:01:14,430
But seriously, how can you not love
Kevin?

1586
02:01:15,390 --> 02:01:17,030
Only two people have done that.

1587
02:01:17,530 --> 02:01:18,950
Me and his father.

1588
02:01:21,910 --> 02:01:25,850
Kevin once said if his son was gay, he
would take a dollhouse and...

1589
02:01:26,080 --> 02:01:30,480
hit him over the head with it, which is
arguably the gayest way to abuse a

1590
02:01:30,480 --> 02:01:31,480
child.

1591
02:01:39,840 --> 02:01:42,200
But you cannot cancel Kevin Hart.

1592
02:01:43,200 --> 02:01:44,320
You just can't do it.

1593
02:01:45,020 --> 02:01:46,180
He's made a tough line.

1594
02:01:47,560 --> 02:01:51,760
They tried to cancel him for being
homophobic, and I don't get it.

1595
02:01:52,030 --> 02:01:55,990
I'm saying the guy who's obsessed with
shopping sprees and fitness, always

1596
02:01:55,990 --> 02:02:01,470
surrounded by 10 dudes and Chelsea
Handler and oiled up half Samoan

1597
02:02:01,470 --> 02:02:05,070
bodybuilders and a vegan restaurant and
bought yoga pants.

1598
02:02:05,630 --> 02:02:10,590
You think that guy is homophobic? That
guy is a fairy, bitch. He is not.

1599
02:02:11,850 --> 02:02:14,510
That's the gayest man I ever met. You
play, queen.

1600
02:02:14,790 --> 02:02:15,790
You do that.

1601
02:02:21,520 --> 02:02:23,980
They tried to cancel Kevin for the ditty
party.

1602
02:02:25,440 --> 02:02:27,660
They hurled allegations at him.

1603
02:02:28,440 --> 02:02:34,300
But thanks to all the baby oil, the
charges didn't stick.

1604
02:02:38,560 --> 02:02:42,500
Kevin famously was at a brunch of... a
brunch.

1605
02:02:46,480 --> 02:02:48,520
Kevin was at a bunch of ditty parties.

1606
02:02:49,360 --> 02:02:52,480
But in his defense, it was only because
Diddy thought he was 10.

1607
02:02:58,160 --> 02:03:03,560
Kevin even hosted a record release party
for P. Diddy. There was a record number

1608
02:03:03,560 --> 02:03:04,459
of releases.

1609
02:03:04,460 --> 02:03:09,540
On the bed, in the pool, on the floor,
everywhere but the hoes.

1610
02:03:11,940 --> 02:03:13,220
But I want to be clear.

1611
02:03:14,120 --> 02:03:20,070
Just because Kevin went to Diddy parties
does not mean He did something wrong.

1612
02:03:21,290 --> 02:03:23,990
The fact that he gets all quiet when you
bring it up.

1613
02:03:27,010 --> 02:03:28,990
That means he did something wrong.

1614
02:03:36,730 --> 02:03:38,150
Yet people give him awards.

1615
02:03:41,910 --> 02:03:44,890
Kevin, I have an idea for a movie where
you travel back in time.

1616
02:03:45,710 --> 02:03:50,390
And Mark Twain takes his motherfucking
award back and calls you the N-word.

1617
02:03:51,370 --> 02:03:52,750
Now that's a good movie.

1618
02:03:53,430 --> 02:03:55,350
So I know you'll pass on it.

1619
02:03:58,370 --> 02:03:59,370
All right, listen.

1620
02:03:59,910 --> 02:04:03,650
I could go on all night hating on Kevin
Hart. I have perfected it.

1621
02:04:07,290 --> 02:04:13,450
But at some point, you've got to look
yourself in the mirror and say,

1622
02:04:14,160 --> 02:04:19,820
Do I really want to have beef with the
rabbit snowball from the Secret Life of

1623
02:04:19,820 --> 02:04:20,820
Pets 2?

1624
02:04:25,520 --> 02:04:26,720
Yes, I do, Kevin.

1625
02:04:28,160 --> 02:04:29,160
Yes, I do.

1626
02:04:30,940 --> 02:04:34,540
Motherfucker wouldn't even play a black
rabbit. Can you imagine the culinary?

1627
02:04:36,920 --> 02:04:39,400
I'm out. Good night, Inglewood. Thank
y'all so much.

1628
02:04:46,280 --> 02:04:48,880
Just give me one fucking minute.

1629
02:04:49,860 --> 02:04:55,040
Me and this man have been at odds for
years on years. You coming out here,

1630
02:04:55,200 --> 02:04:59,180
quite the fucking surprise. But, Kat, I
can sit and I can watch you. I can laugh

1631
02:04:59,180 --> 02:05:01,040
because I'm a fucking fan first.

1632
02:05:01,340 --> 02:05:02,740
Okay? I'm a fan first.

1633
02:05:04,580 --> 02:05:10,560
Kat, we have an opportunity in real
time. This is live television to put our

1634
02:05:10,560 --> 02:05:14,040
fucking beef behind us. I am offering
you.

1635
02:05:14,650 --> 02:05:16,730
An olive branch of peace.

1636
02:05:16,970 --> 02:05:19,550
I want to be a brother. I want to be a
friend.

1637
02:05:19,790 --> 02:05:22,890
Cat, I want to move on. Can we move on,
man?

1638
02:05:23,330 --> 02:05:24,330
Can we move on?

1639
02:05:28,170 --> 02:05:31,050
Cat Williams one time, man. I'm a cat
fucking Williams.

1640
02:05:35,350 --> 02:05:40,830
All right. How about that?

1641
02:05:42,510 --> 02:05:44,230
Those little tiny guys being friends.

1642
02:05:46,070 --> 02:05:49,150
So funny, like they're going to do
something. What are you going to do?

1643
02:05:49,390 --> 02:05:50,390
Shut up.

1644
02:05:50,970 --> 02:05:54,770
Fucking 220 pound man being like, you
want to squash some beef or what?

1645
02:05:56,050 --> 02:05:57,050
Shut up.

1646
02:05:58,910 --> 02:06:00,630
So little. Who cares?

1647
02:06:05,260 --> 02:06:10,100
And now to present Kevin with a very
special gift from Compton, California,

1648
02:06:10,340 --> 02:06:12,420
American icons Venus and Serena
Williams.

1649
02:06:37,360 --> 02:06:39,240
and owns eight Olympic gold medals.

1650
02:06:40,360 --> 02:06:44,460
We have been called the GOATs in our own
right. We have also been called to do

1651
02:06:44,460 --> 02:06:47,500
this tonight, and we did say no three
times.

1652
02:06:49,000 --> 02:06:51,660
But Kevin is a friend, so we're here.

1653
02:06:51,980 --> 02:06:54,660
But our question remains, what are you
the GOAT of?

1654
02:06:55,080 --> 02:06:57,360
So what awards does Kevin have? Isn't it
Oscar?

1655
02:06:57,780 --> 02:07:00,040
No, no, no. Okay, Emmy, right?

1656
02:07:00,700 --> 02:07:02,060
No. Grammy.

1657
02:07:02,680 --> 02:07:04,320
No, actually, that's our girl Lizzo.

1658
02:07:04,580 --> 02:07:05,580
Lizzo!

1659
02:07:07,950 --> 02:07:09,410
I thought he said he had the E-God.

1660
02:07:09,750 --> 02:07:12,990
He did, but as in, he ain't got no
awards.

1661
02:07:15,050 --> 02:07:16,050
Okay, okay.

1662
02:07:16,110 --> 02:07:21,430
But you don't need to have an award to
be a GOAT. You can be a GOAT of so many

1663
02:07:21,430 --> 02:07:24,830
things. Well, maybe he's the GOAT of
freestyle rapping.

1664
02:07:25,450 --> 02:07:27,130
No, I think that's Black Thought.

1665
02:07:29,690 --> 02:07:31,550
Okay, so maybe he's the GOAT of
football?

1666
02:07:32,070 --> 02:07:34,110
No, it's Tom Brady. I heard he already
left.

1667
02:07:34,530 --> 02:07:35,870
Honestly, I don't blame him.

1668
02:07:36,410 --> 02:07:40,470
I guess a G does have to stand for
great, or it doesn't have to stand for

1669
02:07:40,470 --> 02:07:44,170
great. Oh, maybe it stands for grating?

1670
02:07:44,410 --> 02:07:45,670
Yeah, maybe it stands for grating.

1671
02:07:46,350 --> 02:07:48,050
You know, you don't have to be great.

1672
02:07:48,550 --> 02:07:49,850
You don't have to be great.

1673
02:07:50,110 --> 02:07:52,850
Maybe he's good. Maybe he's the goodest
of all time.

1674
02:07:54,230 --> 02:07:55,290
He's a good time.

1675
02:07:55,610 --> 02:07:56,930
He's definitely a good time.

1676
02:07:57,650 --> 02:07:58,650
Maybe a little.

1677
02:07:58,870 --> 02:07:59,870
But seriously,

1678
02:08:00,710 --> 02:08:02,710
seriously, Kevin.

1679
02:08:03,450 --> 02:08:07,610
We got nothing but love. We love you. We
love you so much. And as you know, in

1680
02:08:07,610 --> 02:08:09,670
tennis, love means nothing.

1681
02:08:14,090 --> 02:08:19,210
But since we didn't want to leave you
with nothing again, we brought you the

1682
02:08:19,210 --> 02:08:23,430
most coveted goat ring, which we give to
the most honorable guest. Here you go.

1683
02:08:25,670 --> 02:08:28,290
It's a ring for you. Come on up. Come up
here.

1684
02:08:29,530 --> 02:08:31,430
Oh, my God.

1685
02:08:31,650 --> 02:08:32,910
And if you don't want it, you can.

1686
02:08:33,280 --> 02:08:35,020
pawn it two blocks from here, you know.

1687
02:08:36,180 --> 02:08:40,360
No, I want it. Oh, and one more thing.
Can you sit down? Yes. This is our

1688
02:08:40,360 --> 02:08:41,360
moment.

1689
02:08:42,160 --> 02:08:46,860
Kevin Hart production wouldn't be
complete without this one man.

1690
02:09:35,640 --> 02:09:42,380
We're gonna put some kerosene on this
bit we're gonna burn this motherfucker

1691
02:09:42,380 --> 02:09:43,380
down

1692
02:10:03,150 --> 02:10:06,090
This is what you're doing in retirement
that's fucked up. You owe me a workout.

1693
02:10:50,760 --> 02:10:52,120
I know what J-Lo is thinking.

1694
02:10:52,340 --> 02:10:54,320
Thank fuck the Rock has arrived.

1695
02:10:55,440 --> 02:10:56,720
Yes, I'm here.

1696
02:10:59,180 --> 02:11:04,700
Finally, I've been waiting my entire
life for this, where I can come to a

1697
02:11:04,700 --> 02:11:11,180
Kevin Hart roast, I can have fun, woo,
thank you, and I can just talk

1698
02:11:11,180 --> 02:11:12,180
shit.

1699
02:11:18,440 --> 02:11:21,600
The franchise Viagra is in the house.

1700
02:11:23,080 --> 02:11:26,800
Now this roast can go hard all night
long.

1701
02:11:29,400 --> 02:11:30,520
Buckle up, Netflix.

1702
02:11:31,320 --> 02:11:33,340
To doom, motherfuckers.

1703
02:11:35,360 --> 02:11:40,280
Now, I know what you're all assuming is
that I'm here to carry another shitty

1704
02:11:40,280 --> 02:11:42,180
heart, shitty Kevin Hart vehicle.

1705
02:11:42,900 --> 02:11:45,120
But for once, that's not the case.

1706
02:11:45,850 --> 02:11:49,230
I'm actually here tonight because
someone needs to chew up Kevin's food

1707
02:11:49,230 --> 02:11:50,410
and spit it in his mouth.

1708
02:11:52,210 --> 02:11:54,570
Isn't that right, my little chocolate
baby bird?

1709
02:11:57,230 --> 02:11:59,110
You laugh because it's true.

1710
02:12:01,230 --> 02:12:02,230
Hello, Kevin.

1711
02:12:02,850 --> 02:12:03,850
Shut up.

1712
02:12:05,890 --> 02:12:07,830
Hello, anonymous non-movie stars.

1713
02:12:16,680 --> 02:12:21,960
None of you dudes, you sons of bitches,
none of you have the right to talk shit

1714
02:12:21,960 --> 02:12:23,080
about Kevin and put him down.

1715
02:12:23,560 --> 02:12:27,480
None of you have the right to talk shit
about my little burnt Oompa Loompa.

1716
02:12:29,300 --> 02:12:30,300
Only me.

1717
02:12:30,600 --> 02:12:34,860
I know every single guy on this dais
would piss themselves if I took a punch.

1718
02:12:35,700 --> 02:12:38,360
I know one guy who would cum if I choked
him out.

1719
02:12:41,020 --> 02:12:42,160
Stop smiling, Jeff.

1720
02:12:47,480 --> 02:12:49,400
Jeff Ross, my friend. Good to see you.

1721
02:12:50,620 --> 02:12:52,340
Good to see you. I love you too.

1722
02:12:53,000 --> 02:12:57,040
You know where I come from? We have a
word for guys like you.

1723
02:12:57,860 --> 02:12:58,860
Fat.

1724
02:13:03,960 --> 02:13:06,520
How fucking gross is Jeff Ross right
now?

1725
02:13:07,020 --> 02:13:08,680
In this fucking red outfit.

1726
02:13:09,960 --> 02:13:14,060
Jeff is so gross. He's a 60-year-old
bachelor who's never been married.

1727
02:13:14,510 --> 02:13:18,270
and no one has ever even suggested that
he might be gay.

1728
02:13:25,510 --> 02:13:26,550
You would fuck me?

1729
02:13:26,890 --> 02:13:29,350
God, well, I wouldn't fuck you, so sit
down and shut up.

1730
02:13:31,910 --> 02:13:33,650
And what the fuck are you laughing at,
Shane?

1731
02:13:36,970 --> 02:13:38,010
I'm gonna get him.

1732
02:13:39,410 --> 02:13:40,410
Why?

1733
02:13:44,310 --> 02:13:46,350
Because I'm drunk and you're going to
get it. That's it.

1734
02:13:47,170 --> 02:13:51,730
Shane, if you're here tonight, then
who's out in the woods ass-raping

1735
02:13:51,730 --> 02:13:53,710
canoers until they squeal like a pig?

1736
02:14:00,350 --> 02:14:01,490
Oh, shut up, The Roots.

1737
02:14:04,070 --> 02:14:06,970
You're going to play the fucking song,
Play It Right, from Deliverance.

1738
02:14:07,930 --> 02:14:11,410
I don't know what the fuck you just
played.

1739
02:14:17,820 --> 02:14:20,600
He's like, no money. All right, well,
fuck. That ain't my problem.

1740
02:14:24,720 --> 02:14:29,920
You know, Shane Gillis and I actually
worked out together once.

1741
02:14:30,600 --> 02:14:31,600
True story.

1742
02:14:32,060 --> 02:14:33,560
You're smiling because it's true.

1743
02:14:34,240 --> 02:14:35,240
It happened.

1744
02:14:35,580 --> 02:14:38,520
And he was throwing some weights around,
and I was impressed.

1745
02:14:38,900 --> 02:14:40,300
You know, he was a fit guy.

1746
02:14:41,460 --> 02:14:44,280
But not as fit, not as nearly fit as his
mom.

1747
02:14:46,080 --> 02:14:47,080
No, true story.

1748
02:14:47,290 --> 02:14:51,890
that had a six-pack every night she was
pregnant with shane

1749
02:14:51,890 --> 02:14:58,890
you drink

1750
02:14:58,890 --> 02:15:04,990
because it's true and one of my
favorites hello chelsea

1751
02:15:04,990 --> 02:15:09,690
you look beautiful

1752
02:15:09,690 --> 02:15:14,530
everybody yes yeah chelsea by the way

1753
02:15:19,810 --> 02:15:20,810
Don't fuck with Chelsea.

1754
02:15:22,730 --> 02:15:25,470
Everyone's been here. They come up
talking shit about you. That ain't easy

1755
02:15:25,470 --> 02:15:28,110
to do. You hold your own. You're just a
boss lady up here.

1756
02:15:28,310 --> 02:15:31,030
I want to come out here and I want to
give Chelsea her flowers.

1757
02:15:32,070 --> 02:15:35,110
I just want to take a minute. Yes, I
want to take a minute to congratulate

1758
02:15:35,110 --> 02:15:39,450
Chelsea because BET just gave her
poontang a lifetime achievement award.

1759
02:15:41,650 --> 02:15:42,650
It's true, right, Kevin?

1760
02:15:43,370 --> 02:15:45,530
Yes. Yes, my favorite award.

1761
02:15:46,800 --> 02:15:49,200
Chelsea recently said marriage is
outdated.

1762
02:15:49,700 --> 02:15:53,300
But remember, Chelsea, also outdated is
dying alone.

1763
02:16:00,900 --> 02:16:04,780
Chelsea also said she can't be racist
because she fucks a lot of black guys.

1764
02:16:07,000 --> 02:16:11,360
Which is like Tony saying he can't be
homophobic because he fucks a lot of

1765
02:16:11,360 --> 02:16:12,360
black guys.

1766
02:16:16,179 --> 02:16:19,940
Tony, look at you, you little sassy
bigot.

1767
02:16:24,640 --> 02:16:30,420
You look like I'm going to cook. You
look like a plantation owner who makes

1768
02:16:30,420 --> 02:16:32,080
his slaves perform musicals.

1769
02:16:45,680 --> 02:16:47,580
And Draymond is in the house, my guy.

1770
02:16:51,000 --> 02:16:52,000
Oh.

1771
02:16:53,080 --> 02:16:57,920
Wait a second. Hey, Draymond, that's
your name, right? That's my boy? I was

1772
02:16:57,920 --> 02:16:58,920
thinking about this, you know.

1773
02:16:59,980 --> 02:17:04,400
Of all the cool-ass black names you
could have, that is the laziest fucking

1774
02:17:04,400 --> 02:17:05,700
black name I've ever heard.

1775
02:17:06,660 --> 02:17:09,660
Because all you did was put a D in front
of Raymond.

1776
02:17:11,980 --> 02:17:12,980
Yeah.

1777
02:17:13,160 --> 02:17:14,480
This fucking's retarded.

1778
02:17:23,950 --> 02:17:27,490
And on top of all that, your retarded
name, your team got bounced from the

1779
02:17:27,490 --> 02:17:28,490
playoffs.

1780
02:17:30,950 --> 02:17:35,450
So, so, I'm just saying, because you're
my boy and I love you, maybe it's time

1781
02:17:35,450 --> 02:17:36,530
to retire.

1782
02:17:38,430 --> 02:17:39,730
I'm sorry, to retire.

1783
02:17:43,730 --> 02:17:47,889
And Pete Davidson, my boy, you freaky
little motherfucker.

1784
02:17:49,930 --> 02:17:51,230
We go way back, Pete.

1785
02:17:51,690 --> 02:17:52,690
Yes, we do.

1786
02:17:53,049 --> 02:17:56,370
You look like a white guy doing
blackface doing whiteface. What the

1787
02:17:56,370 --> 02:17:57,370
fuck?

1788
02:17:59,250 --> 02:18:00,870
Hell the fuck, I love you too.

1789
02:18:05,270 --> 02:18:09,170
And somehow you're still the best
looking guy in this dais until I showed

1790
02:18:09,170 --> 02:18:10,170
up. It's just me and you.

1791
02:18:12,070 --> 02:18:13,070
Shut up, Kevin.

1792
02:18:15,090 --> 02:18:18,510
And I want to just take a moment just to
give a shout out, give flowers to all

1793
02:18:18,510 --> 02:18:20,370
the ladies up here on this dais.

1794
02:18:23,559 --> 02:18:27,219
You all look beautiful, magnificent,
sexy.

1795
02:18:31,180 --> 02:18:33,100
You know who else looks sexy?

1796
02:18:35,020 --> 02:18:36,020
Kevin's wife, Anika.

1797
02:18:37,320 --> 02:18:40,440
What do you mean, what the fuck? Just
sit down. I'm just giving her

1798
02:18:40,440 --> 02:18:41,440
compliments.

1799
02:18:41,600 --> 02:18:42,660
Okay, now, listen.

1800
02:18:42,980 --> 02:18:45,139
No, no, fucking listen. What the fuck
are you doing?

1801
02:18:46,889 --> 02:18:50,309
fucking wife. I know. I'm just giving
her compliments. She looks beautiful and

1802
02:18:50,309 --> 02:18:53,950
sexy. That's not how you said it. You
didn't say it like that. How did I say

1803
02:18:53,950 --> 02:18:56,809
it? What do you mean? You said it
different the first time. I said she's

1804
02:18:56,809 --> 02:18:58,709
sexy. Don't fucking say it like that.

1805
02:18:59,730 --> 02:19:00,730
Don't do that.

1806
02:19:01,030 --> 02:19:02,809
Don't fucking do that. Hold on. Chelsea.

1807
02:19:03,309 --> 02:19:04,309
What?

1808
02:19:10,730 --> 02:19:14,469
Don't you think it's time for Nico to be
with somebody that is bigger than her?

1809
02:19:14,590 --> 02:19:15,590
Yes.

1810
02:19:16,820 --> 02:19:19,320
Yes. I think my wife is real happy.

1811
02:19:19,580 --> 02:19:22,700
Let's ask her. Let's ask her. See if
she's happy. She doesn't look happy. I

1812
02:19:22,700 --> 02:19:25,860
know my wife is fucking happy. I don't
know if she's happy. I don't know if

1813
02:19:25,860 --> 02:19:26,860
she's happy.

1814
02:19:27,000 --> 02:19:30,379
Kevin's a little humper. That's a genre.
Honey, honey, are you happy with me?

1815
02:19:31,680 --> 02:19:34,040
Do you know what she just said? Would
you be happier with The Rock?

1816
02:19:35,200 --> 02:19:36,219
Or any rock?

1817
02:19:36,520 --> 02:19:37,639
Did you hear what she just said?

1818
02:19:39,100 --> 02:19:41,940
She just said, fuck him. That's what she
just said. She didn't say that. She

1819
02:19:41,940 --> 02:19:44,320
said, fuck him. Okay, well, listen. I'm
going to tell you what.

1820
02:19:44,639 --> 02:19:47,660
Of all the awards tonight, Chelsea's
getting an award for her poontang,

1821
02:19:47,760 --> 02:19:52,060
Lifetime Achievement Award. Your wife,
her poontang and awards. She deserves an

1822
02:19:52,060 --> 02:19:55,720
award, an Academy Award, for pretending
she likes to fuck you. That's the thing.

1823
02:19:55,720 --> 02:19:56,780
Who the fuck was that? Yes.

1824
02:19:57,060 --> 02:20:00,220
You son of a bitch. And the award goes
to... Oh.

1825
02:20:00,980 --> 02:20:02,480
Oh, you fuckstick.

1826
02:20:03,640 --> 02:20:05,220
You fuckstick. Okay.

1827
02:20:06,500 --> 02:20:08,760
Listen. All right. I'm not going to do
that. I won't do that.

1828
02:20:10,700 --> 02:20:11,700
Hey, Nico.

1829
02:20:16,240 --> 02:20:19,660
I'm just going to say, how about later
on tonight, you and I, together, we'll

1830
02:20:19,660 --> 02:20:25,660
open up a bottle of tequila and, you
know, we... Stop squirming, Kevin. Don't

1831
02:20:25,660 --> 02:20:29,480
look at me like that. A bottle of Grand
Cormino tequila. Grand Cormino.

1832
02:20:29,900 --> 02:20:33,440
You and The Rock. You'll throw up with
that, as you usually do. Listen.

1833
02:20:35,100 --> 02:20:38,560
You want Terra Mana. You want the good
shit. You want The Rock, the good shit.

1834
02:20:38,860 --> 02:20:40,020
Listen. They know.

1835
02:20:47,020 --> 02:20:50,160
As you know, we'll let you watch like we
always do. Okay?

1836
02:20:51,520 --> 02:20:56,460
Hey, it's just jokes from the corner of
the room, strapped tight in your cock

1837
02:20:56,460 --> 02:20:57,460
-high chair.

1838
02:20:57,540 --> 02:20:58,540
Listen.

1839
02:21:02,220 --> 02:21:03,420
I'm not a sick fuck.

1840
02:21:03,640 --> 02:21:06,340
All right. Well, you guys can Google
what that means later. Listen.

1841
02:21:07,920 --> 02:21:12,840
Here's the thing. I actually get why
women love Kevin Hart. I totally get it.

1842
02:21:12,940 --> 02:21:14,820
I know. I'll tell you why.

1843
02:21:15,770 --> 02:21:18,350
He's the same size and color as the
favorite dildo.

1844
02:21:21,050 --> 02:21:23,170
And the little motherfucker is twice as
loud.

1845
02:21:27,390 --> 02:21:29,930
You know, ladies and gentlemen, you
laugh because it's true.

1846
02:21:30,410 --> 02:21:35,870
But you know, ladies and gentlemen, you
know, Kevin and I actually have, we have

1847
02:21:35,870 --> 02:21:39,710
many things in common. It's why the
guy's my best friend and something else

1848
02:21:39,710 --> 02:21:43,030
we have in common is, yeah, we do.

1849
02:21:43,850 --> 02:21:49,670
And I love the guy. And we also have
this in common is recently both of our

1850
02:21:49,670 --> 02:21:50,670
dads died.

1851
02:21:51,450 --> 02:21:52,450
It's true.

1852
02:21:52,950 --> 02:21:58,350
And I thought, well, maybe I shouldn't
bring this up because, you know, it's

1853
02:21:58,350 --> 02:22:02,010
heavy. But I thought it is something
that bonds us.

1854
02:22:02,510 --> 02:22:06,230
And I said, yeah, let me talk about it.
As many of you may know.

1855
02:22:06,760 --> 02:22:11,420
My old man, he came here to the forum
back in the 70s. My dad, he was the soul

1856
02:22:11,420 --> 02:22:13,780
man, Rocky Johnson. He was that dude
again.

1857
02:22:14,880 --> 02:22:20,960
Yeah. And he was, I miss my dad. He was
tall and strong and big. And where's he

1858
02:22:20,960 --> 02:22:22,540
at? No, that's not him.

1859
02:22:23,080 --> 02:22:24,080
Where's he at?

1860
02:22:25,500 --> 02:22:26,500
Somewhere.

1861
02:22:28,860 --> 02:22:31,380
He's somewhere. He looked like a
superhero.

1862
02:22:32,660 --> 02:22:33,760
There is my dad.

1863
02:22:34,220 --> 02:22:36,680
They put him out there. Oh, he's out
there. Okay, good.

1864
02:22:36,920 --> 02:22:38,300
Can you guys see my old man?

1865
02:22:39,220 --> 02:22:41,040
Okay, oh, cool. There he is. Yeah.

1866
02:22:42,020 --> 02:22:44,080
He was a fucking tank, you know.

1867
02:22:45,000 --> 02:22:46,380
Now, where is Kevin's dad?

1868
02:22:49,940 --> 02:22:56,600
Oh, you son of a bitch.

1869
02:22:57,760 --> 02:22:59,740
You son of a bitch.

1870
02:23:00,960 --> 02:23:02,760
What the fuck was that, man?

1871
02:23:05,000 --> 02:23:07,060
You piece of, I mean, come on, man.

1872
02:23:07,320 --> 02:23:10,140
There's a better picture of my dad.
Okay, okay. No,

1873
02:23:11,820 --> 02:23:15,460
I just wanted to show like, you know,
both our dads showing their chest and

1874
02:23:15,460 --> 02:23:18,180
what their bodies look like. Okay, look,
you are right.

1875
02:23:18,680 --> 02:23:19,680
Come on, guys.

1876
02:23:25,080 --> 02:23:27,300
There's a better picture of Kevin's dad.

1877
02:23:28,380 --> 02:23:29,380
That's right.

1878
02:23:29,950 --> 02:23:33,250
Whoever released these pictures are
fired. You're fucking fired.

1879
02:23:34,250 --> 02:23:35,710
Son of a bitch.

1880
02:23:36,530 --> 02:23:41,910
There he is. That is a legit mugshot of
Kevin's dad. And as we all know,

1881
02:23:42,110 --> 02:23:45,090
I met Kevin's dad.

1882
02:23:45,330 --> 02:23:51,490
And as we all know, you know, Kevin's
dad, Kevin's dad, he was a crackhead.

1883
02:23:51,970 --> 02:23:56,350
And he loved the crack.

1884
02:23:59,440 --> 02:24:01,240
And that was before he even met Kevin.

1885
02:24:03,260 --> 02:24:07,840
You know, Kevin realized that the only
way to win his dad's love was if he,

1886
02:24:07,840 --> 02:24:10,500
too, fit inside a tiny plastic bag.

1887
02:24:12,720 --> 02:24:17,940
And Kevin, just like your dad, it's wild
how much you need the rock.

1888
02:24:20,200 --> 02:24:21,220
Oh, Kevin.

1889
02:24:29,320 --> 02:24:30,480
little crack baby Kevin.

1890
02:24:31,660 --> 02:24:36,500
My little crack baby Kevin. You know,
your dad, true story, his dad even named

1891
02:24:36,500 --> 02:24:37,840
Kevin after crack.

1892
02:24:38,760 --> 02:24:42,060
Yes. Because he legitimately thought it
was spelled with a K.

1893
02:24:42,880 --> 02:24:43,880
True story.

1894
02:24:43,940 --> 02:24:45,760
And what's the medical term for that?

1895
02:24:46,160 --> 02:24:47,280
Oh, fucking idiot.

1896
02:24:47,500 --> 02:24:48,500
Yes.

1897
02:24:49,000 --> 02:24:50,380
Now, I know.

1898
02:24:51,040 --> 02:24:53,360
You're sweating and crying. I know. I
know you well.

1899
02:24:53,960 --> 02:24:57,900
I know our dads right now are looking
down on us from the clouds and I hope

1900
02:24:57,900 --> 02:24:58,900
they're proud.

1901
02:24:59,690 --> 02:25:00,710
I think they are.

1902
02:25:01,510 --> 02:25:05,050
You know, I know your dad has to look a
little harder because you're a fucking

1903
02:25:05,050 --> 02:25:10,190
dwarf. But, but, I love you, brother.

1904
02:25:11,170 --> 02:25:13,950
I know you love me too. I love you. Yes,
I do.

1905
02:25:14,250 --> 02:25:15,250
I really do.

1906
02:25:19,570 --> 02:25:23,470
And just to prove it, just last week I
got a Kevin Hart tattoo.

1907
02:25:24,950 --> 02:25:26,330
Yeah, woo, on my cock.

1908
02:25:28,160 --> 02:25:29,400
Yeah, life-size too.

1909
02:25:31,320 --> 02:25:32,700
Kevin, I want to show you really
quickly.

1910
02:25:33,500 --> 02:25:37,260
Get the fuck out of here. Okay, okay,
okay. Stop it, man.

1911
02:25:37,500 --> 02:25:38,500
Okay, no problem, no.

1912
02:25:39,320 --> 02:25:41,720
And Nico, I'll show you later. Hey, what
the fuck? I'm sorry.

1913
02:25:42,100 --> 02:25:43,480
What the fuck are you doing, man? I'm
sorry, listen.

1914
02:25:43,940 --> 02:25:46,000
What the fuck is that? Okay, I'm
kidding, I'm kidding.

1915
02:25:46,220 --> 02:25:49,140
It's my fucking wife, man. I'm kidding,
she's already seen it. Listen. Oh, what

1916
02:25:49,140 --> 02:25:50,140
the fuck is happening?

1917
02:25:50,400 --> 02:25:52,520
I'm joking. What the fuck are you doing,
man?

1918
02:25:53,420 --> 02:25:55,140
It's my fucking wife, man.

1919
02:25:56,660 --> 02:25:58,760
He's the best. I'm kidding. Okay.

1920
02:25:59,280 --> 02:26:06,080
But in all seriousness, I would like to
make a toast to you.

1921
02:26:06,580 --> 02:26:09,340
Can I make a toast to Kevin? Yes. My
brother? Yes.

1922
02:26:10,620 --> 02:26:11,620
All right. Yes.

1923
02:26:13,780 --> 02:26:18,340
Let's do it. Let's do it. Here. I'll
pour myself one. You pour yourself one.

1924
02:26:18,460 --> 02:26:21,940
Yeah. You pour the Grand Cormino. Yeah,
I have the Grand Cormino.

1925
02:26:22,900 --> 02:26:24,880
Okay. I'll pour the Jeremiah.

1926
02:26:25,100 --> 02:26:27,040
Why would you say that about my fucking
wife?

1927
02:26:27,760 --> 02:26:28,840
I'm going to talk to you later.

1928
02:26:29,620 --> 02:26:33,960
I'll talk to you fucking later. Oh, but
you're the one who said, hey, listen,

1929
02:26:34,060 --> 02:26:37,060
fucking say anything you want. Have a
good time. What the fuck was that? Okay,

1930
02:26:37,060 --> 02:26:37,859
okay, okay.

1931
02:26:37,860 --> 02:26:38,860
Come on, let's take a toast.

1932
02:26:39,080 --> 02:26:43,940
Okay, let's take a toast. You know what?
Let me sit down. Go, you sit down. Let

1933
02:26:43,940 --> 02:26:45,320
me sit down. No, you sit down.

1934
02:26:46,060 --> 02:26:47,060
Come on. All right.

1935
02:26:55,189 --> 02:26:59,070
Um, hey listen, before the toast comes,
it's only right. Yeah.

1936
02:26:59,850 --> 02:27:01,110
Come sit on my knee.

1937
02:27:03,770 --> 02:27:06,490
Yes. No, what do you mean don't? What
the fuck are you talking about? No, what

1938
02:27:06,490 --> 02:27:08,990
do you mean don't? Shut up, Shane. I'm
not sitting on your fucking knee. Sit on

1939
02:27:08,990 --> 02:27:11,550
my knee. I'm not sitting on your fucking
knee. We're going to show brotherly

1940
02:27:11,550 --> 02:27:13,930
love. No, no, no. I'm live on Netflix.

1941
02:27:14,150 --> 02:27:14,949
Do it, do it.

1942
02:27:14,950 --> 02:27:17,370
Everyone wants you to sit on my knee.
Chelsea. You know you're going to

1943
02:27:17,370 --> 02:27:19,010
fucking do it. Chelsea, shut the fuck
up. Yes, yes.

1944
02:27:19,490 --> 02:27:20,490
No. No.

1945
02:27:20,790 --> 02:27:22,710
Shane. Cat Williams would be right.

1946
02:27:22,950 --> 02:27:25,170
Cat Williams would be right. Shane, no.

1947
02:27:25,450 --> 02:27:28,310
Do you want to see Kevin Hart sit on my
knee?

1948
02:27:30,230 --> 02:27:31,230
There you go.

1949
02:27:31,790 --> 02:27:35,070
Okay. Sit on my knee. I got a better
question.

1950
02:27:35,370 --> 02:27:39,090
Do you guys want to go fuck yourselves
because I'm not fucking doing it?

1951
02:27:40,230 --> 02:27:41,208
No, man.

1952
02:27:41,210 --> 02:27:42,310
Now, fuck you, man.

1953
02:27:42,510 --> 02:27:46,410
I really mean this. No, I mean this,
man. Fuck you. Okay, we'll get close.

1954
02:27:46,650 --> 02:27:48,990
All right, I'll sit right here. All
right, come on.

1955
02:27:49,230 --> 02:27:50,230
Okay. Come on.

1956
02:27:50,590 --> 02:27:51,590
All right.

1957
02:27:53,460 --> 02:27:55,420
To brotherhood, to friendship.

1958
02:27:55,700 --> 02:27:58,320
Absolutely. And I am always in your
corner.

1959
02:27:58,520 --> 02:28:00,860
Fucking love you. And I love you, man. I
love you more, man. I love you, too.

1960
02:28:00,940 --> 02:28:01,940
Love you, man.

1961
02:28:02,700 --> 02:28:03,700
My brother, man.

1962
02:28:04,440 --> 02:28:07,800
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold
on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

1963
02:28:08,380 --> 02:28:09,380
That's not for you.

1964
02:28:09,420 --> 02:28:10,660
That's good shit. Let me try this.

1965
02:28:12,000 --> 02:28:13,000
That's good shit, too.

1966
02:28:13,480 --> 02:28:14,480
This is for daddy.

1967
02:28:15,080 --> 02:28:16,080
This is for you.

1968
02:28:16,520 --> 02:28:17,700
The fuck are you talking about?

1969
02:28:17,980 --> 02:28:18,980
Get a good latch.

1970
02:28:20,150 --> 02:28:23,470
What? My titties ain't sucking
themselves. Now you get down here and

1971
02:28:23,470 --> 02:28:24,470
you suck on this tit.

1972
02:28:25,330 --> 02:28:26,630
Come on. Get up.

1973
02:28:26,830 --> 02:28:27,870
Get down.

1974
02:28:28,110 --> 02:28:31,050
Get the fuck off me. What is your
fucking issue? Do you want to see Kevin

1975
02:28:31,050 --> 02:28:33,990
latch onto this nipple? Okay. All right.
All right.

1976
02:28:34,490 --> 02:28:35,490
That's it. They do.

1977
02:28:35,610 --> 02:28:38,370
Sit down. That's it. Get the fuck out of
here. What do you mean get the fuck out

1978
02:28:38,370 --> 02:28:41,970
of here? They ain't sucking themselves.
Fuck you, man. Get down. Fuck you. No,

1979
02:28:42,070 --> 02:28:44,830
I'm not doing shit. Oh, now you don't
want to do it because it's a live crowd?

1980
02:28:45,090 --> 02:28:47,670
I don't want to do it. Oh, now you don't
want to do it.

1981
02:28:48,090 --> 02:28:50,590
never sucked your fucking titties. You
have. What do you mean?

1982
02:28:50,810 --> 02:28:53,790
Fuck you, DJ. Oh, now you've never
cradled my balls either. You know what?

1983
02:28:53,850 --> 02:28:57,330
Okay. All right. That's it. All right.
That's it. That's it. You're done.

1984
02:28:57,630 --> 02:28:58,630
You're fucking done.

1985
02:28:58,750 --> 02:29:02,650
Wrap it up. Sit down. Wrap it up. Sit
the fuck down. Well, fuck you. Wrap it

1986
02:29:02,650 --> 02:29:04,350
up. Now you don't want to suck it. Okay,
fine.

1987
02:29:04,670 --> 02:29:07,570
Fucking ball. That's all right. Fucking
piece of shit. Wrap it up. That's all

1988
02:29:07,570 --> 02:29:09,290
right. That's all right. Jesus Christ.

1989
02:29:09,630 --> 02:29:12,830
And Nico, you know what's coming
tonight. Okay. Okay. All right.

1990
02:29:14,740 --> 02:29:18,240
Just a little this, this, this, this,
this, this all night.

1991
02:29:18,660 --> 02:29:19,660
Listen, all right.

1992
02:29:22,840 --> 02:29:23,840
Jesus.

1993
02:29:26,200 --> 02:29:32,740
You know, this is why my jaws always
hurt from hanging out with you. What the

1994
02:29:32,740 --> 02:29:33,740
fuck does that mean?

1995
02:29:33,800 --> 02:29:38,100
What the fuck are you saying, man?

1996
02:29:38,830 --> 02:29:43,270
You know what I meant. I meant because I
laughed so fucking hard with this guy.

1997
02:29:43,410 --> 02:29:44,410
That's what I meant.

1998
02:29:44,650 --> 02:29:45,670
Okay, well say that first.

1999
02:29:48,050 --> 02:29:49,050
Jesus.

2000
02:29:51,170 --> 02:29:52,170
All right.

2001
02:29:52,690 --> 02:29:55,090
The time has finally arrived.

2002
02:29:56,090 --> 02:29:58,730
Just one more thing for him to suck at.

2003
02:29:59,250 --> 02:30:05,950
Clearly won't be my areola tonight, but
ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor

2004
02:30:05,950 --> 02:30:07,490
to introduce

2005
02:30:08,330 --> 02:30:13,570
My friend, my brother, the one we are
all here to celebrate here tonight and

2006
02:30:13,570 --> 02:30:16,610
everywhere around the world watching
live on Netflix.

2007
02:30:17,930 --> 02:30:22,730
I love you. I'm fucking proud of you.
And I will always have your back. Ladies

2008
02:30:22,730 --> 02:30:25,170
and gentlemen, the GOAT, Kevin Hart.

2009
02:30:43,360 --> 02:30:50,360
You know, the rebuttal I have in store,
I don't think, is podium friendly. So

2010
02:30:50,360 --> 02:30:54,720
y'all can get the podium the fuck out
the way. Let's lower the fucking podium.

2011
02:30:56,580 --> 02:30:57,900
We heard a lot of shit tonight.

2012
02:30:58,700 --> 02:31:02,180
We heard a lot of shit tonight. And like
I told everybody on this day, I said, I

2013
02:31:02,180 --> 02:31:03,460
want you to go as hard as you want.

2014
02:31:04,110 --> 02:31:09,370
because i get the mic last and unlike
other roasts what they've never had is a

2015
02:31:09,370 --> 02:31:15,870
polished fucking comedian as such go
last so what i want to do i want to i

2016
02:31:15,870 --> 02:31:19,270
want to make you guys understand like
you basically have told me you want a

2017
02:31:19,270 --> 02:31:24,290
real nigga tonight you want a real nigga
here so you're going to get a real nigga

2018
02:31:24,290 --> 02:31:30,010
a real nigga is what you want then a
real nigga is what you will get okay

2019
02:31:30,860 --> 02:31:32,340
You want a real nigga response?

2020
02:31:32,820 --> 02:31:36,960
Then I'm going to give you a real nigga
response. At this point, I want to take

2021
02:31:36,960 --> 02:31:40,220
the moment just to talk to my sponsors,
my business partners, my brand

2022
02:31:40,220 --> 02:31:44,200
partnerships. And I'll tell you, for the
next 15 minutes, put a pause on our

2023
02:31:44,200 --> 02:31:47,980
relationships. Because what I'm about to
do is not business friendly.

2024
02:31:48,540 --> 02:31:54,920
I'm going to be raw. And when I say raw,
I really mean raw. I'm talking raw like

2025
02:31:54,920 --> 02:31:56,300
the inside of Lizzo's thighs.

2026
02:31:58,730 --> 02:32:00,930
There's no skin there. There's no skin
at all.

2027
02:32:01,730 --> 02:32:06,030
Raw, like the dick that Chelsea Handler
takes. We're going to go raw tonight.

2028
02:32:07,050 --> 02:32:10,650
Raw like Tony Hinchcliffe's asshole when
Joe Rogan finishes. We're going to go

2029
02:32:10,650 --> 02:32:11,650
raw.

2030
02:32:12,290 --> 02:32:16,390
In order to be raw, I need my bitch.
Give me my bitch, please.

2031
02:32:17,470 --> 02:32:18,470
Yeah.

2032
02:32:18,670 --> 02:32:20,970
Do me a favor, cock it again. Let me
make sure it's loaded.

2033
02:32:21,850 --> 02:32:22,850
One more time.

2034
02:32:23,290 --> 02:32:25,330
Yeah, because I'm about to take shots,
okay?

2035
02:32:26,490 --> 02:32:27,490
Boy, oh boy.

2036
02:32:28,110 --> 02:32:29,310
We're going to start with Dwayne.

2037
02:32:30,050 --> 02:32:31,770
My friend The Rock. Fuck, man.

2038
02:32:32,310 --> 02:32:33,310
He shocked me.

2039
02:32:33,610 --> 02:32:35,930
He fucking shocked me. I didn't know he
was going to be here and he came.

2040
02:32:36,570 --> 02:32:39,230
And it's crazy because that's my friend.
Like, we're really close. And you know,

2041
02:32:39,270 --> 02:32:42,470
a lot of people have said bad things
about Dwayne and I've taken up for them.

2042
02:32:42,550 --> 02:32:46,750
A lot of people have said that Dwayne is
on Ozempic. They thought he was on

2043
02:32:46,750 --> 02:32:47,870
fucking Ozempic.

2044
02:32:48,730 --> 02:32:52,490
I'm the one that said he's not on
Ozempic. That's not Ozempic.

2045
02:32:53,210 --> 02:32:55,730
I'm here to tell you guys tonight that
what you're looking at...

2046
02:32:56,300 --> 02:32:58,460
It's full-blown AIDS, okay?

2047
02:33:00,220 --> 02:33:02,200
That's AIDS. Hit him in the head one
time.

2048
02:33:02,840 --> 02:33:05,380
Yeah, we gonna shoot these bitches
tonight.

2049
02:33:07,060 --> 02:33:10,340
I'm not talking about the good stuff,
not the Magic Johnson AIDS. What you're

2050
02:33:10,340 --> 02:33:14,360
looking at is Tom Hanks in the movie
Philadelphia AIDS.

2051
02:33:15,160 --> 02:33:16,780
Yeah, the AIDS.

2052
02:33:18,200 --> 02:33:21,600
The AIDS that takes your body weight
like that, that gives you a drastic

2053
02:33:21,600 --> 02:33:23,100
change over fucking night.

2054
02:33:23,520 --> 02:33:26,240
Fuck him. Do me a favor. Hit him in the
head one more time.

2055
02:33:26,900 --> 02:33:27,900
Yeah.

2056
02:33:28,560 --> 02:33:30,940
I'm going to fucking shoot the fuck out
of you all night, DJ.

2057
02:33:31,800 --> 02:33:32,800
No, it's not enough.

2058
02:33:33,160 --> 02:33:34,740
No, it's not because you're starting to
look weird.

2059
02:33:36,560 --> 02:33:40,220
You're starting to look bad. You look
like a ninja turtle with no shell.

2060
02:33:40,440 --> 02:33:43,360
You look like a fucking... Yeah.

2061
02:33:44,560 --> 02:33:45,560
Shoot him again.

2062
02:33:46,220 --> 02:33:47,220
Yeah.

2063
02:33:47,880 --> 02:33:48,880
Fuck him.

2064
02:33:51,320 --> 02:33:52,800
You know, I've been talking to Sony.

2065
02:33:53,370 --> 02:33:56,810
I told Sony that we better shoot Jumanji
4 now because I don't know if we have

2066
02:33:56,810 --> 02:33:57,970
much time left with DJ.

2067
02:33:59,710 --> 02:34:00,950
He could die soon.

2068
02:34:03,670 --> 02:34:05,010
I'm not going to lie, I miss the old
rock.

2069
02:34:06,070 --> 02:34:08,710
Close friends we are, man. We used to
teach each other a lot of things.

2070
02:34:09,630 --> 02:34:12,870
Like, honestly, DJ told me how to do
movie stunts. I know how to do movie

2071
02:34:12,870 --> 02:34:13,870
stunts because of him.

2072
02:34:14,470 --> 02:34:16,950
Right? I told him things in return.

2073
02:34:17,170 --> 02:34:18,990
I told him how to sound out words.

2074
02:34:19,510 --> 02:34:20,510
Sound it out.

2075
02:34:21,290 --> 02:34:22,290
Sound it out.

2076
02:34:22,640 --> 02:34:26,260
I taught him how to point at images of
fruit so we could know what he wanted to

2077
02:34:26,260 --> 02:34:27,260
eat on set.

2078
02:34:29,860 --> 02:34:30,940
Papaya. Got it.

2079
02:34:31,720 --> 02:34:33,060
Papaya. Yes.

2080
02:34:34,100 --> 02:34:35,220
That's a caveman joke.

2081
02:34:36,200 --> 02:34:39,860
Shane, I bet you thought it was a monkey
joke. You racist fuck. I know you did.

2082
02:34:43,380 --> 02:34:46,960
You know, listen to this, man. You know,
most people don't know the things that I

2083
02:34:46,960 --> 02:34:49,720
know about DJ, man. The Rock is half
black. I know it was mentioned tonight.

2084
02:34:50,440 --> 02:34:51,440
He is.

2085
02:34:51,470 --> 02:34:53,310
He's half black. And a lot of people
don't really know that.

2086
02:34:54,130 --> 02:34:55,490
Nobody else knows that.

2087
02:34:55,970 --> 02:34:57,330
You know who else doesn't know that?

2088
02:34:58,290 --> 02:34:59,990
Him. He doesn't fucking know it.

2089
02:35:01,570 --> 02:35:03,870
He's half black and half Samoan.

2090
02:35:04,770 --> 02:35:05,850
You know what I wish?

2091
02:35:06,450 --> 02:35:10,950
I wish he would do some more black shit.
That's what I do.

2092
02:35:13,110 --> 02:35:14,830
I'm sick of all this Hawaiian shit.

2093
02:35:15,370 --> 02:35:17,710
All this barefoot hula hoop shit.

2094
02:35:19,760 --> 02:35:23,220
All this hookah-lay, hookah-lay,
hookah-lay, hookah-lay shit.

2095
02:35:24,060 --> 02:35:27,880
Don't nobody want to see your big ass
with no fucking, fucking grass dressed

2096
02:35:27,880 --> 02:35:29,620
on hookah-laying all fucking day.

2097
02:35:30,420 --> 02:35:32,880
Put on some Air Force Ones, nigga. I'm
sick of seeing it.

2098
02:35:35,840 --> 02:35:38,440
I'm going to take you down one by one.

2099
02:35:39,620 --> 02:35:43,100
Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis tonight, man,
as a host. Show him some love.

2100
02:35:45,000 --> 02:35:46,000
Seriously.

2101
02:35:46,160 --> 02:35:47,160
What a good set.

2102
02:35:47,939 --> 02:35:49,140
What a good set.

2103
02:35:49,960 --> 02:35:52,860
I'll be honest with you guys. Shane
Gillis was one butt light away from

2104
02:35:52,860 --> 02:35:54,300
calling me a nigga on this stage
tonight.

2105
02:35:59,080 --> 02:36:00,360
One butt light.

2106
02:36:01,760 --> 02:36:03,140
Nigga, he wanted to say it.

2107
02:36:04,980 --> 02:36:07,120
Shane is on my Mount Rushmore of racism.

2108
02:36:09,240 --> 02:36:10,240
He is.

2109
02:36:10,300 --> 02:36:13,840
My Mount Rushmore of racism. Like when
it comes to hating black people. Shane

2110
02:36:13,840 --> 02:36:14,840
Gillis.

2111
02:36:15,600 --> 02:36:16,600
Kid Rock.

2112
02:36:18,130 --> 02:36:19,130
Hawk Hogan.

2113
02:36:20,890 --> 02:36:26,790
Stephen A. Smith. Those are my four
people when it comes to hating black

2114
02:36:26,790 --> 02:36:27,790
people.

2115
02:36:30,310 --> 02:36:34,550
Shane Gillis is what happens when you
let those people on Love on a Spectrum

2116
02:36:34,550 --> 02:36:35,690
fuck. That's what happens.

2117
02:36:37,730 --> 02:36:38,930
They make one of those.

2118
02:36:40,830 --> 02:36:43,870
Don't let them people fuck. You gonna
get another Shane Gillis.

2119
02:36:46,310 --> 02:36:47,430
Shane is what happens.

2120
02:36:47,820 --> 02:36:50,880
When you give a Down syndrome baby human
growth hormone.

2121
02:36:51,200 --> 02:36:52,200
That's what happens.

2122
02:36:52,720 --> 02:36:54,020
Don't rush the process.

2123
02:36:55,740 --> 02:36:56,740
Shane is autistic.

2124
02:36:59,020 --> 02:37:01,780
Shane is autistic and Chelsea is a
whore.

2125
02:37:04,100 --> 02:37:07,100
They both love trains but for different
reasons.

2126
02:37:16,160 --> 02:37:19,080
This is a good time for me to talk to
one of my sponsors, Chase Bank.

2127
02:37:19,300 --> 02:37:21,480
Cash back with every purchase you get
with us.

2128
02:37:26,860 --> 02:37:29,320
Everybody's been getting on my girl
Chelsea all night for being a whore.

2129
02:37:29,820 --> 02:37:30,820
Everybody, stop.

2130
02:37:31,800 --> 02:37:33,180
Chelsea isn't just a whore.

2131
02:37:34,640 --> 02:37:35,640
She's also old.

2132
02:37:36,020 --> 02:37:37,020
Chelsea's old.

2133
02:37:38,240 --> 02:37:42,020
You know what you need? You need lube to
slide into Chelsea's DS.

2134
02:37:44,520 --> 02:37:45,720
You're right, Rock. You're right.

2135
02:37:46,030 --> 02:37:49,150
Her pussy was recognized. She did get
that BET award.

2136
02:37:50,150 --> 02:37:53,190
You only get that award, though. You
only get that award if you fuck 56.

2137
02:37:53,410 --> 02:37:54,410
And that's a fact.

2138
02:37:55,350 --> 02:37:56,850
I'm sorry. I read the prompt wrong.

2139
02:37:57,650 --> 02:38:01,950
Nope. It's if you fuck 50 niggas. You
get that award if you fuck 50 niggas.

2140
02:38:01,950 --> 02:38:02,950
Sorry, Chelsea.

2141
02:38:03,030 --> 02:38:04,030
That's my bad.

2142
02:38:04,730 --> 02:38:05,730
Draymond Green's here.

2143
02:38:06,030 --> 02:38:07,030
Hey, Draymond.

2144
02:38:07,890 --> 02:38:08,910
Yeah. Yeah.

2145
02:38:10,470 --> 02:38:12,810
Well, Draymond's only here because he's
not in the playoffs.

2146
02:38:13,050 --> 02:38:14,090
That's the only reason why he's here.

2147
02:38:14,430 --> 02:38:15,430
It is!

2148
02:38:16,010 --> 02:38:18,030
You're a head shot. Fuck you, Draymond.

2149
02:38:21,550 --> 02:38:23,590
Everybody attacked my fucking sisters
tonight.

2150
02:38:24,350 --> 02:38:25,990
A lot of black women on this stage.

2151
02:38:26,810 --> 02:38:31,030
Churro, Lizzo, Regina, Tiana came out
here.

2152
02:38:31,710 --> 02:38:35,370
What I'm not going to do is be a black
man and talk about my fucking sisters on

2153
02:38:35,370 --> 02:38:39,030
this stage live on Netflix in front of
millions of fucking people. Not me.

2154
02:38:39,370 --> 02:38:42,290
I'm not going to give you that. I'm not
going to give these crackers that

2155
02:38:42,290 --> 02:38:43,290
luxury.

2156
02:38:44,910 --> 02:38:46,570
Y'all don't know what these women have
been through.

2157
02:38:47,110 --> 02:38:50,730
None of these women have a fucking man.
None of them. None of them.

2158
02:38:51,530 --> 02:38:52,530
None of them.

2159
02:38:53,910 --> 02:38:59,070
They're home alone at night in their
giant mansions eating fucking

2160
02:38:59,070 --> 02:39:01,510
microwavable hot pockets watching TV.

2161
02:39:02,750 --> 02:39:06,810
I'm not going to stand here in front of
all these fucking white people and

2162
02:39:06,810 --> 02:39:09,330
disrespect these lonely bitches.

2163
02:39:13,840 --> 02:39:16,000
I want to thank my sisters for coming. I
love you, Gene.

2164
02:39:16,340 --> 02:39:17,340
I love you.

2165
02:39:17,620 --> 02:39:19,440
I love you, Lizzo. I love you, Cheryl.

2166
02:39:20,660 --> 02:39:22,520
We got a spade game every Tuesday.

2167
02:39:26,520 --> 02:39:28,960
Boy, oh boy, y'all got Cat Williams to
come out here, huh?

2168
02:39:29,720 --> 02:39:30,720
Cat Williams.

2169
02:39:33,120 --> 02:39:34,820
Cat Williams came out here.

2170
02:39:35,680 --> 02:39:38,320
You know, this is a time to, like,
really make everybody realize. Everybody

2171
02:39:38,320 --> 02:39:39,940
has said tonight that I can't act.

2172
02:39:40,600 --> 02:39:41,940
Kevin cannot act.

2173
02:39:42,620 --> 02:39:46,140
What I want you to do is go back and
look at that moment where I shook Cat's

2174
02:39:46,140 --> 02:39:48,560
hand and I looked him in the eye and I
said, I just want us to be friends.

2175
02:39:50,480 --> 02:39:53,180
Some of the best fucking acting that
I've ever did in my career.

2176
02:39:54,340 --> 02:39:58,140
I did not mean one word of what I said.
Fuck Cat Williams.

2177
02:39:58,360 --> 02:39:59,700
Fuck Cat Williams.

2178
02:40:00,740 --> 02:40:03,320
Cat Williams is a motherfucking liar.
He's a liar.

2179
02:40:04,820 --> 02:40:07,620
Y'all been believing that little nigga's
shit for years.

2180
02:40:08,620 --> 02:40:09,980
Cat has lied on me.

2181
02:40:10,360 --> 02:40:13,760
about so much shit. It's ridiculous,
man. Y'all only believe it because it

2182
02:40:13,760 --> 02:40:15,960
uses words that you haven't heard in a
long time.

2183
02:40:17,720 --> 02:40:21,860
Words like restaurant or amenities and
shit like that.

2184
02:40:23,260 --> 02:40:24,760
Can't say that I went to ditty parties.

2185
02:40:25,400 --> 02:40:26,500
Can't have been to ditty parties.

2186
02:40:26,740 --> 02:40:29,160
Can't have always gone to ditty parties.
I haven't been to no fucking ditty

2187
02:40:29,160 --> 02:40:30,160
parties.

2188
02:40:30,420 --> 02:40:33,140
I went to one party and this is the
truth. I went to one fucking party.

2189
02:40:33,660 --> 02:40:36,780
I went to one fucking party, okay? And
the only reason why that little nigga

2190
02:40:36,780 --> 02:40:39,600
know I was there is because he was
there. Cat was at the same fucking

2191
02:40:39,600 --> 02:40:40,600
party.

2192
02:40:41,120 --> 02:40:44,920
I saw him. He saw me. He said, shh, fuck
you, nigga. Tell the truth.

2193
02:40:46,240 --> 02:40:47,580
Tell the fucking truth, nigga.

2194
02:40:48,140 --> 02:40:49,660
We was at the same fucking party.

2195
02:40:52,200 --> 02:40:55,600
I ain't no snitch. I ain't no snitch,
but a lot of people was there. Shaq was

2196
02:40:55,600 --> 02:40:56,740
there. Usher was there.

2197
02:40:57,680 --> 02:41:00,400
Fucking Shannon Sharp was there. He was
DJing.

2198
02:41:00,760 --> 02:41:03,460
The roots were there. Y'all didn't do
nothing, but I saw y'all too.

2199
02:41:07,100 --> 02:41:08,160
He's a fucking liar.

2200
02:41:09,360 --> 02:41:10,600
Stop believing this nigga lies.

2201
02:41:12,300 --> 02:41:14,800
Cat told y'all he read 3,000 books a
year.

2202
02:41:15,320 --> 02:41:19,280
He said that. He said, I read 3,000
books a year.

2203
02:41:19,920 --> 02:41:22,520
All right, well, let's unpack it. Let's
talk about the books that you didn't

2204
02:41:22,520 --> 02:41:23,520
fucking read.

2205
02:41:23,880 --> 02:41:26,840
That's what I want to talk about. What
are the books that you didn't read? I'll

2206
02:41:26,840 --> 02:41:30,200
tell you what it was. He obviously
didn't read his probation paperwork i'll

2207
02:41:30,200 --> 02:41:36,960
tell you that that nigga didn't read
that he didn't read he didn't he didn't

2208
02:41:36,960 --> 02:41:40,260
read he didn't read the room when that
little 12 year old choked him the fuck

2209
02:41:40,260 --> 02:41:46,740
out i'll tell you that i don't give a
fuck how bad things get in my life i

2210
02:41:46,740 --> 02:41:52,080
ain't never been choked out by no
fucking kid you know it's bad when you

2211
02:41:52,080 --> 02:41:54,760
start asking people where his parents at
whose kid is this

2212
02:41:56,840 --> 02:41:58,820
I don't know, nigga. You lost. You
fucking lost.

2213
02:42:00,620 --> 02:42:01,620
Why was he there?

2214
02:42:05,060 --> 02:42:07,120
Cat William came out here in a goddamn
cape.

2215
02:42:09,340 --> 02:42:11,540
I've never seen Cat in a regular suit.
Not one time.

2216
02:42:12,440 --> 02:42:13,500
I've never seen him.

2217
02:42:14,160 --> 02:42:15,860
Only time I've seen him in a suit was a
lawsuit.

2218
02:42:16,120 --> 02:42:18,160
That's the only time I've seen Cat in a
fucking suit.

2219
02:42:18,500 --> 02:42:19,800
A double-breasted lawsuit.

2220
02:42:20,020 --> 02:42:21,020
That nigga got a bunch of cases.

2221
02:42:21,640 --> 02:42:25,240
Cat said tonight that I took all his
movies that he turned down.

2222
02:42:25,700 --> 02:42:27,380
He said that. He fucking said that.

2223
02:42:27,780 --> 02:42:29,700
You sat there and laughed at it. Ha, ha,
ha.

2224
02:42:29,940 --> 02:42:30,940
Ha, ha, ha.

2225
02:42:31,520 --> 02:42:34,180
This must be the fucking truth. All
right, well, let's unpack it. Let's

2226
02:42:34,180 --> 02:42:35,180
unpack it.

2227
02:42:36,040 --> 02:42:38,760
Kat said I turned down all the rules.
Okay, well, let's talk about it, Kat.

2228
02:42:38,800 --> 02:42:41,960
You're telling me, you're telling me
that you turned down Jumanji 1, 2, 3,

2229
02:42:42,000 --> 02:42:45,460
right along, 1, 2, central intelligence,
think like a man, 1, 2, the upside,

2230
02:42:45,680 --> 02:42:48,980
about last night, 40-year-old virgin,
high school, night school, me time,

2231
02:42:49,280 --> 02:42:50,540
borderlands, man from Toronto.

2232
02:42:50,820 --> 02:42:51,820
Oh!

2233
02:42:52,650 --> 02:42:56,450
So you could do a cameo in Norbit? Is
that what the fuck you're telling me,

2234
02:42:56,490 --> 02:42:57,490
Kat?

2235
02:42:58,910 --> 02:43:00,850
Kat, you can't be in my fucking movies.

2236
02:43:01,490 --> 02:43:05,150
You think they want to fucking pimp in
Jumanji? Is that what the fuck you think

2237
02:43:05,150 --> 02:43:06,150
we need?

2238
02:43:06,670 --> 02:43:11,730
Ain't no hoes in Jumanji. What the fuck
is Kat doing in Jumanji? Hey, bitch, get

2239
02:43:11,730 --> 02:43:12,589
out the tree.

2240
02:43:12,590 --> 02:43:14,210
What the fuck? We don't need that.

2241
02:43:15,550 --> 02:43:16,670
The fuck are you doing?

2242
02:43:18,010 --> 02:43:19,430
It's the big leagues up here.

2243
02:43:22,890 --> 02:43:24,230
I gotta stop. I gotta stop.

2244
02:43:24,710 --> 02:43:27,710
I gotta stop on Kat because it's not
good for all these white people to see

2245
02:43:27,710 --> 02:43:28,710
two black people fighting.

2246
02:43:29,510 --> 02:43:30,990
Two little niggas fighting.

2247
02:43:33,650 --> 02:43:36,390
We're too small to have the beef that we
have. So Kat, it's over.

2248
02:43:36,990 --> 02:43:40,850
The beef is over between me and Kat. And
on a serious note, I love the fact that

2249
02:43:40,850 --> 02:43:43,890
that man showed up tonight and he showed
out. Kat showed the fuck out.

2250
02:43:47,250 --> 02:43:50,950
I love that. I love that he's shy, man.
I love that we're able to look each

2251
02:43:50,950 --> 02:43:51,950
other in the eyes.

2252
02:43:52,060 --> 02:43:53,100
Shake each other's hands.

2253
02:43:53,420 --> 02:43:57,140
And I meant what I said. I did. I really
did. I meant what the fuck I said, man.

2254
02:43:57,920 --> 02:44:01,880
That beef is over. Me and Kat are
friends from today moving forward, okay?

2255
02:44:02,240 --> 02:44:03,820
We're friends from today moving forward.

2256
02:44:06,160 --> 02:44:07,320
I'm going to do a quick check.

2257
02:44:08,080 --> 02:44:10,040
Lizzo, blood sugar check. You okay?

2258
02:44:12,480 --> 02:44:13,680
Are your feet swelled up?

2259
02:44:13,900 --> 02:44:14,900
You okay?

2260
02:44:14,980 --> 02:44:16,620
You want a Snickers? All right.

2261
02:44:19,880 --> 02:44:22,380
Pete Davidson is here, ladies and
gentlemen. Pete Davidson is here.

2262
02:44:25,100 --> 02:44:27,700
Pete, the fucking thing about roasting
you is bad because I like you. Me and

2263
02:44:27,700 --> 02:44:29,400
you actually get along, so it's tough to
roast you.

2264
02:44:29,640 --> 02:44:31,180
I don't really have a roast. I just have
a question.

2265
02:44:33,640 --> 02:44:36,180
It's not even a question. It's like, oh,
I'm happy to see Pete outside.

2266
02:44:37,060 --> 02:44:38,420
You never see Pete during the daytime.

2267
02:44:38,700 --> 02:44:39,700
Pete is weird.

2268
02:44:41,360 --> 02:44:42,360
Scared of the sunlight.

2269
02:44:48,300 --> 02:44:50,480
I feel like Pete wants to be black, but
he don't want to say it.

2270
02:44:52,580 --> 02:44:53,580
He does.

2271
02:44:53,620 --> 02:44:54,740
He's done a lot of black shit.

2272
02:44:54,940 --> 02:44:57,940
Pete, let's see. Let's bring it down.
He's got a child out of wedlock.

2273
02:44:59,220 --> 02:45:00,320
He dated Kim Kardashian.

2274
02:45:00,620 --> 02:45:02,620
He grew up without knowing his father.

2275
02:45:04,060 --> 02:45:07,740
I mean, Pete, if you want to be black so
bad, just fuck Chelsea Hitler and don't

2276
02:45:07,740 --> 02:45:08,740
call her in the morning.

2277
02:45:10,780 --> 02:45:13,140
You can get away with it, Pete.

2278
02:45:15,930 --> 02:45:18,490
Jesus, Pete fucks. I mean, Pete fucks.

2279
02:45:20,110 --> 02:45:21,250
You fuck, Pete.

2280
02:45:22,010 --> 02:45:23,690
No, fuck you. That's it. That's enough.

2281
02:45:25,050 --> 02:45:26,530
Edit that out, what Pete just said.

2282
02:45:27,830 --> 02:45:29,070
I want to go to Jeff Ross.

2283
02:45:30,250 --> 02:45:33,850
Jeff Ross is here. Jeff Ross actually,
he went to the bathroom.

2284
02:45:34,070 --> 02:45:35,070
Shocker.

2285
02:45:37,630 --> 02:45:39,610
Shocker, Jeff Ross has a bladder
problem.

2286
02:45:39,870 --> 02:45:41,290
It couldn't sit through the show.

2287
02:45:42,810 --> 02:45:45,290
Jeff Ross, actually, he beat cancer.

2288
02:45:46,610 --> 02:45:47,610
Yeah.

2289
02:45:48,130 --> 02:45:49,130
Yeah.

2290
02:45:49,770 --> 02:45:53,290
I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

2291
02:45:54,450 --> 02:45:58,530
I don't believe that Jeff beat cancer. I
think the cancer just left. I do.

2292
02:46:01,170 --> 02:46:07,250
I also think Jeff looked better with
cancer. I think he looks worse without

2293
02:46:07,250 --> 02:46:10,430
the cancer. This is the one time where I
would ask somebody, can you get the

2294
02:46:10,430 --> 02:46:11,430
cancer back?

2295
02:46:12,490 --> 02:46:13,950
Can we put it back, Jeff?

2296
02:46:15,890 --> 02:46:16,990
Tony Hinchcliffe is here.

2297
02:46:17,450 --> 02:46:18,490
Tony, what is that tonight?

2298
02:46:20,310 --> 02:46:21,650
Tony, you fucking crushed tonight.

2299
02:46:22,490 --> 02:46:24,170
Everybody thinks Tony is gay, too.

2300
02:46:24,370 --> 02:46:25,370
Stop it.

2301
02:46:25,530 --> 02:46:27,630
Stop the gay stuff with Tony. Tony is
not gay.

2302
02:46:28,710 --> 02:46:30,430
Tony is not gay.

2303
02:46:32,450 --> 02:46:33,890
Tony just likes sucking dick.

2304
02:46:35,350 --> 02:46:36,350
It's a big difference.

2305
02:46:36,930 --> 02:46:38,510
I mean, look at that smile on Tony.

2306
02:46:39,260 --> 02:46:42,440
That's proof that Joe Rogan likes a
snack-a-tooth blowjob.

2307
02:46:45,260 --> 02:46:49,340
Tony's really not gay, though, man. He
just fucked... Oh, Jesus, Jeff. Goddamn.

2308
02:46:50,100 --> 02:46:53,380
Out the corner of my eye, it looked like
the Kool-Aid man just came out to set.

2309
02:46:53,500 --> 02:46:54,500
Jesus Christ.

2310
02:46:55,500 --> 02:46:57,260
I mean, what the fuck was that?

2311
02:46:57,480 --> 02:46:58,419
I love you.

2312
02:46:58,420 --> 02:47:01,140
The fact that you thought you were
sneaking just now, Jeff.

2313
02:47:02,420 --> 02:47:06,480
I've never heard leather pants make more
noise in my life.

2314
02:47:09,450 --> 02:47:10,450
Fuck.

2315
02:47:13,230 --> 02:47:16,530
I just don't know where Jeff is getting
the money to fucking do the things he

2316
02:47:16,530 --> 02:47:17,530
does. Jeff,

2317
02:47:18,170 --> 02:47:21,030
zip the jacket up. Your fucking nipples
out is nasty.

2318
02:47:24,250 --> 02:47:28,510
Jeff looks like an insect that you study
in biology.

2319
02:47:28,810 --> 02:47:30,330
So what did you say? I got a what?

2320
02:47:31,310 --> 02:47:32,510
The heart is where?

2321
02:47:34,210 --> 02:47:37,410
And this time I just want to say, I'm
sorry, Walmart, you're doing amazing

2322
02:47:37,410 --> 02:47:38,810
things, rolling back prices.

2323
02:47:39,030 --> 02:47:40,030
Keep it going.

2324
02:47:43,570 --> 02:47:50,570
You know, guys, in this night, I want to
say some people have

2325
02:47:50,570 --> 02:47:51,570
shined.

2326
02:47:51,810 --> 02:47:52,810
Honestly.

2327
02:47:53,190 --> 02:47:55,410
Naeem, I'm so proud of you, brother.

2328
02:47:55,910 --> 02:47:58,070
You came here, you did what the fuck you
were supposed to do.

2329
02:47:58,570 --> 02:48:01,910
And I just want to say that I'm
extremely, I'm extremely richer.

2330
02:48:02,670 --> 02:48:04,390
than everybody that you see on this
stage.

2331
02:48:05,570 --> 02:48:09,830
And my biggest fear is waking up one day
with any of these bitches' bank

2332
02:48:09,830 --> 02:48:11,390
accounts. I don't know how I would live.

2333
02:48:12,470 --> 02:48:15,030
I don't know how I would survive. My
kids, what would we do?

2334
02:48:15,950 --> 02:48:20,390
I mean, DJ, you got money, but after you
have to spend it on the AIDS medicine, I

2335
02:48:20,390 --> 02:48:21,530
just don't know how much you'll have
left.

2336
02:48:23,330 --> 02:48:26,130
You guys wanted a real nigga up here
tonight, and that's exactly what you

2337
02:48:26,130 --> 02:48:27,130
got.

2338
02:48:27,290 --> 02:48:30,990
So I'm going to leave this stage in true
real nigga fashion.

2339
02:48:31,920 --> 02:48:33,100
That's my showing off

2340
02:48:33,820 --> 02:48:37,400
I want to give a shout out to all my
partners, all of my ecosystem, the

2341
02:48:37,400 --> 02:48:39,200
people that make the world of Kevin Hart
go around.

2342
02:48:39,660 --> 02:48:41,380
Authentic Brands Group, I love you.

2343
02:48:41,640 --> 02:48:46,560
Burn Boot Camp, I love you. C4 Energy, I
love you. Drag Kings, Tabletics, Grand

2344
02:48:46,560 --> 02:48:52,440
Cormino Tequila, Heartbeat, JPMorgan
Chase, Michelob, NBC Universal, Qatar

2345
02:48:52,440 --> 02:48:58,760
Airways, Shark Ninja, Sirius XM, Sony,
Swag Golf, Taco Bell, Verizon, Vita

2346
02:48:58,760 --> 02:49:01,440
Hustle, and of course, my partners here
at Netflix.

2347
02:49:02,220 --> 02:49:04,740
These are words that you would never say
because you guys are losers.

2348
02:49:06,580 --> 02:49:10,680
See, guys, I'm just a little kid from
Philadelphia, and I pray for nights like

2349
02:49:10,680 --> 02:49:13,740
this. And what I want you guys to know
is this. If I don't celebrate myself,

2350
02:49:13,920 --> 02:49:14,920
then who else will?

2351
02:49:15,480 --> 02:49:17,300
At the end of the day, I'm proud of
myself.

2352
02:49:18,140 --> 02:49:20,940
And what you've been smelling all night
is me because I'm the shit. And at the

2353
02:49:20,940 --> 02:49:24,840
end of the day, I'm him, and he is me,
and together we make we.

2354
02:49:26,220 --> 02:49:27,820
Philadelphia, you should stand up.

2355
02:49:28,340 --> 02:49:29,400
Happy Mother's Day.

2356
02:49:30,060 --> 02:49:31,220
Inigo, I love you.

2357
02:49:31,690 --> 02:49:33,310
And motherfucker, I'm off.

2358
02:49:33,690 --> 02:49:34,690
Let's go.